Post # 1
So my wedding is 6 months away. The planning has gone fairly smoothly until last week.
My Mother has kindly offered to host our rehearsal dinner, which we agreed to. Nothing fancy, but will be hosted in her home along with my Step-Father. I really didn’t forsee any issues with this, despite some family drama that I knew would rear it’s ugly head at some point.
Quick background; my parents divorced when I was 7, my Mother left us in the care of my Father and didn’t make an appearance in my life again until I was 12. My Mother and Father are sworn enemies. Hate is a strong word, but is the best word to describe the feelings they have towards each other. Obviously I had a VERY strained relationship with my Mother all my life until about 2 years ago. She apologized for everything she put me through, and I’ve decided to move past my troublesome childhood and try working on a better relationship with her. My Father is my rock, and the most important person to me.
When I told my Father about the Rehearsal dinner, he said he would not attend. That he didn’t want to hurt me, but to be in her home for this special occasion was too much for him to bear. I was upset at first. All I could think about was the fact that they could not put their differences aside for a special time in my life. To this day my Father holds alot of hurt feelings over my Mother because she abandoned us. When she came back into my life, all she did was spit hurtful things about him which has created his hatred towards her.
I feel a strong loyalty to my Father and would never want to upset him or put him into a position he did not want to be in. But I also understand that my Mother is trying to make a mence and is hosting this dinner as a kind gesture.
I would like to ask my Mother if we can have it in a restaurant instead, but I know this will cost more money. I don’t want to make my Father uncomfortable, but I also don’t want to upset my Mother and refuse her offer of hosting it in her home.
Am I thinking too much about this? What would you bees do? Sorry for the long post.
Post # 3
Honestly? I think asking your mother to host the rehearsal in a neutral location would be best. It is kind of her to try and make amends for her past wrong doings but if your father can’t attend because of it, then I dont think thats fair. I guess I might be biased as my mother also abandoned my sister and I when I was born and my father raised us. I would be very upset if he didnt attend my rehearsal and I would want to make sure he felt comfortable if he did.
Its sad that they cant put their differences aside for your special day but it is what it is I guess. Your father had an important role in raising you to be the woman you are today and you have every right to be upset that he wont attend because of this. Talk to your mother.
Post # 4
I think your Mom is being insensitive and your Dad is just plain wrong.
I would ask your Mom to move the RD to a neutral location. It doesn’t necessarily have to be more expensive. People would be happy with pizza and beer.
You Dad really just needs to get over it. If she left when you were 7 and you are old enough to get married, your Dad is harboring ancient anger. I would ask him if he would consider helping to cover the extra costs incurred by moving the dinner to a restaurant.
I am divorced and me ex hurt me terribly. We do however, behave graciously when in each other’s company, no matter what the occasion. I would not burden our children with bearing the responsibility or consequences of our actions.
Post # 5
@Future_Ms.Bostonceltics: I agree with misschikapea…. perhaps hosting the rehearsal dinner in a restaurant would be better? If your mother is truly trying to make amends…then she should understand your good intentions and support you.
I’m sorry there’s family stress treading on your special day.. Don’t let anything ruin your happiness. Don’t let anyone else pull you in a direction that you feel hesitant or unhappy about.
Best of luck! XO
Post # 6
@julies1949: Yea we are probably doing pizza and beer lol. I think she should move it as well. Neutral locations are best for these things.
Post # 7
I agree with your father. Your mother is wrong having it at her house and should have seen that it would be insensitive. To be honest, you should have foreseen that too.
I disagree that your father needs to get over it. My parents separated 20 years ago and are over it in the sense that they no longer dwell on it, but I know it would be madness to re-open old hurts by inviting either one to the other person’s house.