(Closed) Rehearsal Dinner Guest Dilemma

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I would say that if your mother would like to embarras herself and cause such a scene, let her have at it.

I think that 40 people is more than large enough for a rehearsal dinner if you would like for it to be intimate.  Express that the room will only hold so many people, and that unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change that. 

Post # 4
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think you need to remember that it is YOUR WEDDING and if you want 38 people then that is all that need to be invited. If your mother wants to be so unreasonable, there is not much you can do. You and your FH need to do what feels right to you. If you don’t take a stand now, you will be giving your mom carte blanche on decisions.

Tell her how much you appreciate that shw wants to share your day with their friends but gently remind her that it is indeed your day and you have a say in who does and doesnt attend. If mom and dad are paying however that stand may have repercussions. 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

Wow. That’s tough. But unfortunately, the RD isn’t her deal. The RD is the opportunity for your FI’s parents to put on the party. I would try to explain to her first the size constraints, second, your desire to have an intimate dinner, and third, it’s not her party – AT ALL! But that third one is only a last ditch effort – you don’t want her blaming your FI’s family. 🙂 Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

<span class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-family: tahoma, verdana; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic”>Hi gammacate (and everyone else!)

 

I really feel for you. I am having a similar problem with my parents surrounding my upcoming (Fall 2010) wedding. I am an only child, and my parents also see this as an opportunity to "celebrate with their friends" at some large party they are throwing that just happens to also be my wedding.

 We’ve struggled with them over everything from location of the event (it is going to occur 2000 miles from my home, 400 miles from my FI and his family, and 183 miles from my parents and their friends) to the rehearsal dinner (my mother insists that people who may choose to drive up to the location on Friday night deserve a dinner that night, even if they are not directly related to the wedding in any way). 

 I’m pretty much at my wits end with this. I wish I could do a better job understanding my parents feelings about this, but i am just having a hard time synpathizing. Party of my feels as though they had their chance at their own wedding! This is actually MY wedding, at least thats how I had previously looked at it. Though now it seems more like a crazy weekend of obligations, meals, food, and accommodating other people where duting some part of it i actually marry the man of my dreams. 

If anyone has any good way to deal with this sort of stuff, I’d love to hear it. Saying things like "this is really OUR wedding" just doesnt work. My parents have been gracious enough to contribute significantly in the finances department, and i dont feel i can just ask for their money but tell them to butt out. I’m stuck.

 Best, 

Lynnie 

Post # 7
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I’m with <font size=”2″ color=”#81a026″>pvaulter718</font> , even though I don’t know if you want to put it in quite those words. 🙂

40 seems like a pretty big RD already to me (I had 60 and that felt HUGE!). I’m not sure why your mom thinks it’s okay to add ten people to a party she is not throwing? Would she think agree with your FMIL inviting her friends just because she wanted to see them? I’m just not sure what your mom’s rationale is for adding people.

Really, she can get as mad as she wants about this, but until she gets up the courage to suggest this plan to your future in laws and have her tell them "thanks, but no thanks!".

Post # 8
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

i don’t know what you can do.  i assume from above that they are paying for your wedding, thus is it hard to tell then that you make the final decisions.  i think she is being totally unreasonable.  i wish i had better advice, but all you can do is tell her what you want.  good luck!

Post # 9
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t have anything helpful to say but I am so glad my parents have few friends!

Post # 10
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Yeah, your parents are not in charge of the guest list here, and I’d just tell her firmly, “NO.” Her suggestion to sit those guests at another table is pretty cuckoo. Could you imagine being invited to someone’s RD and then finding yourself sitting at a table outside of where the party is? I’d be pretty insulted.

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