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Our rehearsal dinner is about 30 people - we are doing an appetizer buffet and cash bar at a local brewery in the same town as the wedding. We are invitnig the following people:
* parents and grandparents (total of 8)
*siblings and their significant others (total of 6)
* BMs and GMs including their significant others ( some don't have significant others though) - roughly 14 people
* My aunt and her GF
Technically etiquette says you should invite all out of town guests BUT I went to a wedding in Chicago where 50% of the wedding guests were out of town so obviously only the bridal party was invited.
I also went to a rehearsal dinner (FI was a GM) were everyone was invited - and this is because a lot of people stayed overnight at the little inn attached to the reception site. They kept it low key w/ mexican food and margaritas -- only a few hundred was spent.
Where are you having yours? atmosphere? budget? Etiqutte also says that the FILs pay fpr the rehearsal dinner so I think by your dad paying it is very generous of huim and she needs to respect that.
(sorry for the super long post)
we're keeping our to just the people involved with the ceremony, parents, and grandparents. we're have a catholic wedding so we have a lot of people involved with the ceremony portion. my entire family is from out of town and FI family is super super close so it would be awkward to invite just the few out of town family members and not his entire side. and that's just too many people for a rehearsal dinner in my opinion because it starts to resemble the reception.
since your dad is the one paying for it i would stick to your plan with the welcome reception. maybe have your FI try and explain to her (again) why you want the smaller rehearsal dinner. let her know that as much as you would like to have all OOT guests present, it seems a bit redundant to have too receptions since that is what it would turn into.
or maybe tell her if she's that hard over about, she can pay for it. but i'm guessing that's not really an option.
Tell her you can't afford to throw two weddings. Seriously, unless she is paying, she doesn't get a say in who is invited. I would have your FI deal with this, not you. Have him tell her that the two of you want a small, relaxing event so you can de-stress the night before the wedding. Having all out of town guests is a purely regional thing, most areas of the country don't do this. And lastly, what she is suggesting is essentially a second reception, and it really isn't feasible to throw two events of that size two nights in a row. And last of all, if she still insists, just keep repeating "I'm sorry but that won't be possible." The end. Once she knows your whole case, there is no need to keep going over and over it with her. In the future just tell her is isn't possible and the subject is closed.
For our rehearsal, We're having immediate family plus 2-3 more for each side (Grandmothers, an aunt or two who will happen to be in town the night before) and the people involved in the wedding (plus their spouses/partners) only. The whole thing will be under 25 people. However, that number is also small because we're just having a best man and MoH in the wedding party, so we didn't have a large party and their spouses to invite.
I'm in a similar situation to you. We have 86 people coming to the wedding and over 60 coming to the rehearsal dinner. This is because of my large family and the fact that most of our guests are out of town. I really would have loved to avoid the whole "all out of town guests" thing, but in the end, everyone seemed to think it was the nice thing to do. And it was too much stress to have a dinner and then a reception because it was just more planning for me to do. But we're going very casual--a mix/mingle kind of thing, not sit down, and we're having food like fried chicken and pulled pork and macaroni and cheese. We were going to do a cook-out until I realized it would take forever to grill food for that many people on 1 grill!
I think in your case, it's getting out of hand. Over a 100 people! All but 6 guests? You might as well just have the wedding at the rehearsal dinner. I think you need to firmly tell your FMIL that it's too much for you, that you're not comfortable with it, and neither is your dad. She's not paying, so she really doesn't have a ton of say in this. Your dad is, so he has the final call. Good luck!
We're inviting a bunch of in-town, so luckily this isn't as big of an issue for us, but we drew the line at close extended family (if that makes any sense). Bridal party and their families, parents and siblings, close aunts and cousins (one of mine, two of his). That brings us to around 45 (eek!)
We are inviting more of our out-of-town to the next day brunch, but that's super low key. Since it sounds like your RD is rather pricey, this is a place you stick to your guns. greenleaf is right, it's getting towards two weddings.
Explain to her that it is not in your budget to do this and if she can think of a way to accomodate all these guests, let her figure it out. She won't be able to and maybe will figure it out, either paying for it or letting it go. In my opinion that's way too many people. We are having us, our son, our immediate family + dates, our attendants +dates and the officiant and his family. About 20 people. We have around 120 invites.
If she isn't paying, she really doesn't get a say! And in fact, I'd have your fiance tell her that politely. "We realize that you'd like to have certain people there, but it really isn't the vision for our rehearsal dinner and it's just not in the budget." I think you should keep the rehearsal dinner to the people you'd like to have and do something like a welcome reception for OOT guests if it is important to you.
Out of state guests + bridal party + my parents (no other immediate family). :)
Hopefully it won't end up being more than 50 people, because that's what I told my FMIL!
We had a similar situation...Our wedding was out-of-town for all guests. I did not want to have a dinner for everyone so we did what you are thinking about doing....We actually were renting a house for a week so we had a catered meal at the house for bridal party, parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles. We then had an open-house with dessert and drinks for everyone else. It turned out great! If she is adamant on the other guests, perhaps tell you and your FI have gotten your dad to agree to pay for this other option. If she wants the other guests, she will have to front the bill...maybe that would be enough for her to let it go??
Our RD was totally hijacked by the FIL's, so all out of town guests are invited (which comes out to be about 175 people, although thankfully I think the actual number of guests for the RD will be about 100) but in my case, the FIL's are paying for it so I really couldn't say anything.
But I was pretty pissed bc I wanted something much smaller and more intimate to make up for the fact that we will be having at least 200 guests at our wedding...But even tho I tried a few times to gently suggest something small, FMIL was not having it and was absolutely adamant that all OOT guests be invited...
Oh well, it's gonna be a fun party, I guess! So anyways, long story short, I feel your pain. It is a nice thing to do for your guests but if your family is paying for it, ultimately you get to decide what to do...
WE ARE NOT HAVING A REHERSAL, WE ARE HAVING AN EXTREEMLY SMALL CEREMONY WITH ONLY PARENTS BROTHERS AND SISTERS
We have a similar story to Miss Trail Mix - our FILs are paying for it and they are inviting about 65 of their 75 guests. My parents together (two sides - they are divorced) are inviting 45 of their 150 combined and my fiance and I are inviting 2 of our 85. We'll have about 110 probably, down from 300 at the wedding. It's still big, but we're keeping it to mostly extended family and REALLY out of town. We are also having a Friday night dinner that is going to be really small, just our immediate extended families (aunts, uncles, etc.) which will be 30 or so people, to compensate and have the small dinner we were hoping for. Good luck! and how nice of your dad to pay for it
We will have about 30. Parents, siblings, grandparents, wedding party and their dates.
imho, if your parents are paying, your fmil has no business insisting on invites for everyone else. you're already making quite a compromise, and if she thinks subs etc. is inadequate she should chip in to beef up the dinner for your family. i definately understand wanting to keep the rehearsal dinner intimate. i think the idea of the rehearsal luncheon and then a welcome event of some sort that night is a great idea to keep everyone happy, if you can sell your fmil on it!
ours is bigger than we'd like - we're having 50 people at the wedding, and 30 at the rehearsal! almost all of our guests are coming in from out of town, but we managed to convince fmil that the people who live in the same city as us who we see all the time don't need an invite (unless they are immediate fam / bridal party), and that anyone who took a PLANE to get there could come to the dinner.
UPDATE: FMIL was not sold on the cocktail hour after the rehearsal luncheon
FI wrote a very nice, heartfelt email stating how we feel that our opinion has not been taken into consideration at all. She then followed up with an 8 paragraph (!!) email about some BS. She is out of control. We are at the point where my mom, my MOH and several other people have suggested that we elope. We are highly considering it even though this is not what I had wanted for myself. Thank you bees for all of your responses and support!!!! Unfortunately, in the email she was rehashing things and basically told me that my family isnt going to help with anything at all and that we have been purposely disinclusive of people since we got engaged. I can't believe all of this and I'm so hurt and upset I really have no words. I told my fiance last night that I feel dead inside. I cried at work today!!!!! :-\
Wow, your FMIL is out of line if she is not paying for this! I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with this.
My mom really wanted out of town guests and extended family but that honestly would have been 80% of our 200+ guest list. I, like many others on this thread, am looking forward to something more intimate and low-key. Still, it is traditional in my mom's family so she is still having a hard time with it, but this was how my FILs wanted to do it and I backed them. Whoever is hosting it should make the call!
Don't let her ruin your day.
She doesn't get a say in the rd if she is not paying. Normally I would say try to make her happy but she is just being unreasonable.
Do you think there is something wrong with her? Does she usually act like this?
We had a really small ceremony, with only a dozen guests. We rented a big house for everyone to stay in, and ordered in pizza the night before.
The only guest who was local was my former sister-in-law. My ex-husband spent the night at her place, so they didn't come, although they were told they were welcome if they wanted to. So, all guests were invited, and all the OOT ones except my ex-husband came.
We're doing just the bridal party (and our readers) and immediate family. Altogether about 25 peopleish.
Bridesmaids, Guest Book Attendant and Spouses (16)
Groomsmen and Ushers and Spouses (19)
My parents, grandparents, Aunt and Uncle, and my brothers (7)
Fiancé's parents, grandparents, Aunt and Uncle, Brothers and Sisters (Children and ring bearers and flower girls) (12)
Pastor and Wife (2)
Important Family Friends (7)
Bride and Groom!!
TOATAL: 65 !!!
Do what YOU want! She is very obviously not a cool person, and I don't want you to even worry one little bit what she thinks. I thought your compromise of RD lunch, cocktail reception was spot on and it's too bad that she is such a selfish pig.
That's utterly bizarre that your FMIL is making demands about the rehearsal dinner guest list when she isn't even paying. How odd. I think your parents, who are presumably organizing and hosting the thing, should just ignore her.
Most of our guests are OOT. Personally, I love the idea of inviting all the OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner, because I want to extend the joy of the feeling of community and coming together for more than just the wedding night. But that's a very different situation for us, because we'll only have about 60 guests at the wedding, so that's about 40 at the rehearsal dinner. My FILs are hosting the rehearsal dinner so I've been very hands-off as far as any involvement with planning it, except when FMIL asked for my input on venue and menu (can I say, btw, YUM). Though, I will guess that they are going to just ask me who should be invited once they do get to the point of sending invitations.
If we invited all of our OOT guests, it would be 95% of the guest list. Ours is just bridal party and family, about 50 people.
Really, it's up to the hosts to who is invited.
There is absolutely no way I could invite all my OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner. That's well over 100 people! Might as well make it a second wedding while we're at it! Granted, most of the OOT guests wouldn't come anyway because that would mean staying two nights in a hotel, which isn't cheap in August. The rehearsal dinner is for the people who come to the rehearsal, and that's only the people who need to rehearse! I can see inviting the grandparents or some other very close family member, but more than that is just not called for. I think subs for all the OOT guests is more than appropriate in your situation.
Some people (especially mothers of the bride and groom) feel self-entitled to plan their children's wedding for them. That would be fine if they were paying for it, but if they're not they can keep their mouths shut! Take a deep breath, stand up straight, and don't let her run you over!
Agreed that it's totally up to the hosts, though it's nice to let the people paying have input too. People not paying = little input, in my book. Beyond that, I'd do what feels right to you.
We are including all OOT guests at ours---but we 1) have FI's parents offering to pay for that; 2) aren't having a rehearsal to start with and don't have a bridal party; and 3) don't have that many OOT guests---probably around 50 out of 120 wedding guests, and most are family or very close/old friends. And even with that, FI was not happy about it at all---he really just wanted the wedding reception and that's it.
I would just explain that it's not in the budget---although be prepared to either accept or have another option if she then offers to pay for some of it. But if she doesn't, just leave it at that. Good luck!
If your dad is hosting it, your FMIL really shouldn't get a say in who's invited. She can certainly voice her opinion, but I am sure you can nicely tell her you want a more intimate affair. Plus, I think your compromise is perfectly balanced!
My wedding is a ways off, but we've already planned to invite all of our wedding guests to our rehearsal dinner, which we'll call a wedding eve celebration. But all of our guests are OOT, and we want to spend as much time with them as possible. It'll be a catered dinner (casual buffet-style) and beer/wine open bar. We live in Chicago so we are chartering one of the river boats to take us up and down river and out onto Lake Michigan. This was totally my FI's doing and he is paying for it. I wouldn't ask my FILs to pay for this! Our guest list is at about 165, so I estimate we'll have about 100-115 guests total.
I say stick to your guns. Unless she wants to pay for the OOT guests and you are okay having a less intimate rehearsal dinner.
If your dad is hosting it, your FMIL really shouldn't get a say in who's invited. She can certainly voice her opinion, but I am sure you can nicely tell her you want a more intimate affair. Plus, I think your compromise is perfectly balanced!
My wedding is a ways off, but we've already planned to invite all of our wedding guests to our rehearsal dinner, which we'll call a wedding eve celebration. But all of our guests are OOT, and we want to spend as much time with them as possible. It'll be a catered dinner (casual buffet-style) and beer/wine open bar. We live in Chicago so we are chartering one of the river boats to take us up and down river and out onto Lake Michigan. This was totally my FI's doing and he is paying for it. I wouldn't ask my FILs to pay for this! Our guest list is at about 165, so I estimate we'll have about 100-115 guests total.
I say stick to your guns. Unless she wants to pay for the OOT guests and you are okay having a less intimate rehearsal dinner.
We having a little over 30 people. It's just our closest family and the bridal party. Most of my out-of-town guests won't be in yet.
If she's not paying, then she really doesn't get to have such an adamant opinion.
ours is strictly wedding party and their spouses and immediate family only (BM, GM, Groom's parents and Brides parents - and we are inviting the officiant too - dunno about readers although one of the readers is a date for a BM...)
it will be about 32 people total.
Inlaws are paying! so dunno what we are serving or anything. but its sitdown.
honestly its traditionally wedding party only - aka folks who were at teh rehersal. and if your FMIL isnt paying for it she has NO say in how yall do it. sorry.
I agree with spaganya, she doesnt really have a say in this, esecially if she isnt paying for anything. stick to your guns about this because its not fair for your dad to foot the bill for a whole bunch of people he's already paying for them to eat.
We will be having around 35 people (with an 85 person wedding).
We will invite all family (our families are pretty small) plus out of town close family friends.
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This is a MAJOR point of contention between FMIL and Fi and I and my dad. FMIL wants ALL out of town guests to be invited. That is everyone invited to the wedding but 6 people. I thought that was too big and wanted it to be a smaller more intimate event. FI and I came up with a compromise that we would do rehearsal dinner for bridal party and family (including aunts/uncles/cousins) and then we would have a "welcome reception" for the other guests at the hotel with large subs, sides and drinks. Mind you our families together is 100+ people so its already ridiculously large. FMIL said she was fine with this. THen today we got an email saying that she is adamant that all out of town guests be invited. By the way - my dad is hosting and paying for the rehearsal dinner. We also tried to compromise with a rehearsal luncheon and an evening cocktail hour for all guests but she is unwilling to compromise.
How big is your rehearsal dinner? And who is invited?
What should I do about my situation!?