(Closed) Rehearsal Dinner + In-laws = Drama

posted 8 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

So they’re inviting everyone who’s invited to the wedding to the rehersal dinner? That’s craziness. I can see inviting a few close friends that are from OOT along with the bridal party and family but not every single person coming to the wedding.

I don’t think you’re being too stubborn. I see the rehersal dinner as a time to visit with your close family and friends and thank them for all their help. I’m not really sure what you can do about it if they’re paying for it. I don’t see why extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) would expect to be invited to the rehersal dinner anyway. The only extended families RD that I’ve been to is my aunt and uncle’s but only because my dad was officiating and my mom was doing all the photos. Maybe you can convince her to have something the day after the wedding.

Post # 4
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I dont think you are selfish at all, it is your wedding and if going to such a large RD is going to cause you physical or mental discomfort your inlaws should be able to suck it up and deal with accomidating your needs. The fact that they are unwilling to do that, in my opinion, makes them selfish. Try not to worry too much about what they think about you. I am in the same boat with my FI’s family, they think i’m selfish too. But I suspect that for you, like me, their feelings come more from insecurity of losing their son than from my actions. Best of luck.

Post # 5
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

If you’re not getting anything you want, why not stop and say this is what’s happening for the wedding? No input needed. Since they’re paying for the RD, they have more say, but maybe you can explain why or have your FI do it.

Post # 6
Member
2532 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

So I wish you had been on the boards a few months back because I literally posted almost the exact same thing. Except that my Dad and his wife are paying for the RD so I figured i should have total input. Well FMIL wanted to invite all OOT guests which is all of our guests since pretty much everyone has to fly or drive a few hours to get there!! At first I fought and fought to the death for this, tears, screaming, even almost calling off the damn wedding because of all the drama. Then I decided to just let it go. I also have social anxiety and did NOT want to have a huge party the night before. Well, the Evite went out to our guests last week and so far 50 people are attending. I assume that it will probably be closer to the actual number of the wedding. But I am finally okay with this. I have just realized that this is an extra opportunity to spend time with all of our guest and this way if I dont talk to some people at the wedding I wont feel as bad because I will have already talked to them at the rehearsal dinner. Also, my family, a few of my friends and FIs family will already be down at the lake for a few days so I will have extra time with them. In the end, it is better to just let this go. You are going to have an amazing time no matter who is there or how many people! Just take it all in and try to enjoy every moment of it! Honestly, this is not a battle that is worth fighting!! Please PM me if you would like to ask anything more or need any more suggestions about this.

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Sorry, I’m going to be devil’s advocate here and say I can see your FIL’s point of view. My FMIL is insistent on inviting all the out of town guests (as this is considered etiquette) to our RD. I’m thinking that your FIL’s feel the same way. While this is not my ideal scenerio they are paying for it and they are spending quite a bit of money on it at that, to try and put my foot down and say no I don’t want this but I want you to spend a couple hundred dollars on what I want is IMHO a little, for lack of a better, word insulting. I obviously don’t think its right of them to resort to name calling or treating you badly but I can understand where they are coming from on wanting the larger RD. Thats really all the grooms family gets to traditionally do! If your going the traditional route I don’t think they should have had so much input in the actual wedding day plans, but by this point it can’t be changed and I think it would be best to allow them to have the larger RD, but again that’s just MY opinion, not necessarily the right one.

EDIT: I misread your wedding date and totally take back what I said about you not being able to change your wedding around. Why can’t you just do a really small intimate wedding? Let FIL’s now your family is paying and this is what’s happening! You can always offer to let them throw you there own little reception party. It seems like thats what they want to do anyway with the RD.

Post # 8
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

First, I’m honestly a little more upset at your FI for the way he handled the situation.  He could have come across to them that you BOTH wanted the RD a certain way.  (It sounds like he basically said you didn’t want…or you feel uncomfortable with….)  And maybe I’m getting the wrong impression, but coming back and telling you how she was crying, makes me feel like he was at least feeling you out to get you to back down.  (Again, maybe I’m wrong.)

I agree it’s proper etiquette to invite OOT guests to the RD.  But this gets out of hand when the whole guest list is OOT.  If she is so concerned about this etiquette, she can always host a dinner for them, seperate from the RD.  Perhaps she can make it for an hour later than the RD, so she can join them after the RD is over.  (Or your suggestions were great too.)

Post # 9
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I just re-read a few of your other posts and I would seriously take a stand on having the small wedding. It seems like that is where your heart is, and honestly how in the world are you going to get through your wedding day where EVERY pair of eyes will be on you if you have so much anxiety? You can always have a small 30 person ceremony and then hold a “reception” back in each of your hometowns. Ultimately your wedding day should be about what YOU want. What does your FH think about all this?

Post # 10
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Disagree re: proper etiquette to invite all OOT guests to the RD. The rehearsal dinner is for people involved in the wedding who need to be at the rehearsal, hence the name REHEARSAL dinner. If you invite all OOT guests, it is a welcome dinner, not a rehearsal dinner.

Regardless, unfortunatley whoever is paying gets the final say in what happens. It’s not cool of them to call you selfish especially considering your social anxiety issues (I have them too to some extent so I hear you on that) but they do have the final say when it comes to the guest list of the party they are hosting.

Post # 12
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@kittyachi – maybe its a geography thing on this one but I can guarantee where my FH is from it is etiquette to invite all OOT guests to the dinner and I believe that’s where OP’s FIL’s are coming from on this one. They do not go to the rehearsal though.

@leprechaun – does your FH realize the stress this is causing you? It seems like he’s more concerned with making his family happy than you. I can totally understand where your coming from (I wanted a tiny wedding too) I was presuaded to have a larger wedding but I didn’t care THAT much about it. It seems that this is something thats really affecting you in a not so good way 🙁

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