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Well, as much as they should at least take your wishes into account, they are right. The FI's family does traditionally handle the rehearsal dinner. And with paying for it, they ultimately get the final say even though it's for your wedding.
Do you have any money in the budget that maybe you could offer to pay for some of the guests, so you wouldn't have to cut anyone?
Well, it is technically the grooms' family's responsibility to host the dinner (and therefore if they say they will take care of the invites, you shouldn't mess with it...I did ours because MIL isn't very creative and I told her they were just too cute to pass up and she was like "ok no problemo").
While I think it's a little presumptuous to tell you who to include at your own rehearsal dinner, i wonder who's on your guest list for it to hit 54 and why they think 24 is a better number. Is 24 ONLY the bridal party and immediate family? Is 54 including OOT guests? While OOT guests are traditionally included, his aunts may want to keep it small, intimate, and nice.If 34 of them is simply parents/grandparents/bridal party...well that doesn't add up unless you have a 12 man bridal party and they all bring dates. Maybe they want the RD to be family/bridal party only?
I kinda felt like this one was out of my hands for my RD. We were keeping it to 35 with family, bridal party, and guests, but aunts and uncles ended up getting invited, too, which I thought was unusual. BUT, she was paying, so ultimately, it was her gift to us and her call. I can't tell her how to spend her money
The rehearsal dinner is the one part of the wedding that will really represent your FI's family. If they want to go to do something fancy instead of pizza and beer, that is their choice. (not that I don't love pizza and beer!)
As for the guest list, the people who MUST be invited are bridal party with dates, officients, and immediate family. Beyond that, it's up to the hosts to decide who else can be invited.
You said that 34 of the people being invited are "yours" and that they are mostly your parents/grandparents/bridal party. I have to ask, how big is your bridal party? That seems like a lot of people.
Yikes. That sounds like a bit of a pickle. Especially since you weren't aksing for the extravagence.
I don't see why they would have such an issue about the invitations. Maybe they feel it's like a shower, where you aren't supposed to be concerned with it. Can you get your FMIL to help? Maybe she can take your invitation idea to them as her own idea. Or maybe your Fi can speak to them again, just asking if it's not a big deal to use the cute invitations you created. But if it doesn't work out, I think the best thing to do would be to drop it. It's disappointing, but in the long run, the invitations for your RD are going to be small beans to you. The only way that will ruin your wedding memories, is if you work hard to harbor those feelings. Besides, aren't there better things to worry about for your wedding day?
As for cutting the list, I don't know how big the bridal party is, or your family, but 34 for a RD doesn't seem unmanageable. Are you sure there aren't some reasonable eliminations from the list? I don't know who's paying for what with this wedding, but can you put up the money to cover the extras? Can you ask your parents? I know that the aunts feel it's their duty. But what would happen if your Fi told them he appreciates the offer but that you don't see any other way to have all the people you need to have there, other than to host a BBQ in the backyard? If they would like to cover some catering costs, great, but if not, you both understand. If they don't cover the RD, can you and your FI foot the bill?
Good luck.
Oh, and about the actual invites. I can't hurt to mention that you worked hard on them and would love to use them. I don't think that's unreasonable.
Is it a control issue for them? Like they want to send out the invites to make sure that only the people they want are invited? If so, maybe you could just give them the ones you made and let them send them out.
Not sure what the deal is with the invites, it's not the end of the world if they don't get used, but I think it's weird, maybe it is a control thing...
As for bridal party - I have six girls, FI has three guys and I'm not even inviting all their dates; the other people coming are people who are doing readings, my friend who is playing the violin (no date), grandma, grandpa, priest, my parents and us; then there are a total of 12 out of town guests - I suppose I can cut them, but it just seems wrong, especially since most of them are related to someone that is part of the ceremony, like doing a reading, bringing up the gifts, etc
We have less than zero in the budget for this, but I guess I'll ask my parents - they're helping with the wedding a little, so I'm sure if they helped with this it would decrease the wedding contribution.
Ug! Thanks for your advice :)
Regines, it's funny hearing your issue and seeing all this advice. I kind of was under the impression that even though the grooms parents were supposed to host the RD the bride had more say over it than she apparently does.
According to all the advice here I'm WRONGO. It's cool though, it happens. lol. Just when I was about to lament about my RD being held in a Mexican restaurant with a bunch of people (some of whom I don't know and never met) instead of the small intimate setting of the grooms parents house I had pictured, I realized I'm lucky at least my whole family is invited and shouldn't complain. (They are all OOT traveling accross the country for the wedding).
I hope you figure out a way to get who you need back on the guest list. I'm going to have to say, though, I do relate to your in laws wanting to have something nice instead of having to worry about accommodating THAT MANY of your guests. We went through this with our wedding bc FI had the majority of guests and my parents were paying. My family and I didn't want to have to have something really informal to include everyone on their list, even though it was okay with the groom if we did. Ultimately we came to some kind of compromise, which is I guess what you will have to do also. Best of luck with it all. HUGS!
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So FI's two aunts are paying for the rehearsal dinner - I gave them a guest list and told them I had designed cute invitations that I would print and get to them (borrowed the poem from Miss Stiletto- http://www.weddingbee.com/2009/08/11/invites-for-the-big-rd/ - so cute)
They told me I have to cut the guest list (from 52 to 34) and that they will take care of the invitation?
Is it silly of me to be upset about the invitation? I have a large family, many of which will be here the night before the wedding, and 34 of the 52 guests are technically "mine" but I can't really take them off - most of them are in the bridal party, and the other ones are my parents and grandparents!
I also told them originally that pizza and beer would be more than sufficient for the rehearsal but they insisted on going to a fancier restaurant with a sit down dinner. They said they wanted it to be nice and that this is what the groom's family is supposed to do, but I'd rather have the people I care about the rehearsal than having a fancy dinner - they'll have a fancy dinner at the wedding!
Advice please!!!