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Some may disagree with me, but I think it is really important to keep the rehearsal dinner small. And easy way to figure out who should be invited is right in the name... only invite those required to be at the rehearsal :) I think it is important to spend special time with the wedding party, which is what the RD is for.
Lots of the guests at my wedding will be from out of town, and we are not having an OOT dinner or anything. We will probably head out to a bar or something after the RD where everyone pays their own way and we'll let everyone know we will be there so we can hang out that night, but they wont be invited to anything formal.
I really think it all depends on what your FILs are comfortable with, since they will be paying for it.
So I don't know the answer but I'll just say what I've seen.
It seems that people either make it a wedding party only or a dinner for out of town people. We did for all OOT peeps and had about 75 and it was fun but it was a bit awk not inviting the local people and we did invite some of them, well kind of did it by word of mouth too so it would seem more informal and people couldn't get too offended if they didn't end up coming. So I liked having a lot of people there but we just did a backyard bbq. I've also been to weddings where we were somewhat involved in the wedding, not a bridesmaid or groomsman, but not invited to the rehersal dinner. I haven't really seen people get offended either way.
With your cousins parents that could be tricky. I agree with you but I did see it cause major drama at my friends wedding. She only wanted her cousins who were in the wedding to come and didn't see a need to invite their parents, they were 17 and 18 at the time. Their parents refused to let them stay after the rehersal and made it clear to my friend, the day before her wedding and at her wedding how dramatically offended they were. My friend is still mad at their parents to this day because they still hold it against her. So if your aunts/uncles aren't crazy it would probably be fine but if they are crazy then watch out.
I think you can get away with just inviting the wedding party and immediate family. But I do think that if you invite cousins under 18, you should invite their parents. Especially if they are not of driving age. I think the driving age in NJ is 17 or 18 now, so that might not apply to your situation.
@bvig: That's what I'm worried about with cousins' parents. My mom is already flipping out saying they MUST come. But then I feel like that opens a can of worms that we have to invite FI's aunts and uncles too.
The rehearsal dinner would be a pretty formal thing, definitely not a backyard BBQ (although I would love that!) So we'll definitely need to have invites and such and people are going to be left out somehow.
My mom is already going crazy about this (7 months away!) and threatening to "throw her own party" for her family. Stress :o(
I think a lot of these wedding "events" get out of hand!
Personally I think it should be immediate family and WP only!
Can you arrange to pick up the younger cousins that don't drive to go to the party! I agree that they are old enough to go to the party alone without their parents! If you stress the rehearsal and not so much of the dinner I think people will understand!
Stand your ground on this one - your mom isn't paying for the RD so she shouldn't be dictating who gets invites!
Good Luck!
Thank you Mrs. Martin!!
Keep the advice coming ladies :o)
We decided to invite wedding party and all family (extended family is all OOT). This brings us to 70 people being invited to the rehearsal dinner (wedding will be about 120 people). I would rather have something smaller but there is no way for us to get around it without family being seriously upset.
There are many other OOT guests that we anticipate coming for the wedding but we don't plan to invite them to the rehearsal dinner. While I think it is important to show appreciation for those that travel in, depending on the type of rehearsal dinner that you want, the dinner may not be the place for all of them.
If we were doing a true destination wedding I would probably consider a welcome dinner for all of the guests that came in.
As for your aunts and uncles dilema, I would probably invite all or none if you are equally close to them. I wouldn't want to make anyone think they were being excluded.
This whole thing threw me for a loop! Since we each only had one attendant and we only had one musician, I was expecting a small rehearsal dinner.
Then.... I was confronted with the out of town issue. The challenge for us was that he had family members coming from the other side of the country the day before the wedding. We were leaving immediately after the wedding for our honeymoon. This meant that if we didn't invite out of town family (which was all of my hubby's fam) that we wouldn't get to spend any time with them. Since they put all of the money and time into travelling to our wedding, I felt it only right to invite them to the rehearsal dinner. However, we didn't extend it to all out of town guests - just family. Even though I wanted our rehearsal dinner to be small - I felt that the relationships with our family members were more important and relationships are for a lifetime so I kept that in mind.
However, sounds like you may be dealing with larger numbers of family members than I did (we had 31 at our rehearsal). Some ideas for you...
1. Can you have another event where out of town family can see you? i.e. pre-wedding picnic or post wedding brunch. Ur mom could pay for this and invite as many people as she wanted to.
2. Could your mom contribute to the rehearsal dinner? Maybe you could say, I only feel comfortable asking FIL to pay for XXX amount of people. Anyone of that number, I need you to help pay for.
3. Is there a way (that you're comfortable with) to do your rehearsal dinner affordably so you can include everyone? i.e. backyard barbeque or something of the sort?
hotchildinthecity, my mom and I are fighting over the rehearsal dinner too! I know how stressful it can be, because you want to do right by your FILs and not be over controlling of the one thing that is theirs! My mom has told me she thinks our family will be hurt and disappointed to not be invited to the rehearsal dinner, which is hard for me to hear, but in the end, FI's family really wants it to be small and intimate, and I want to honor their wishes.
Have you thought about having a "welcome party" that is more informal for all the guests that you and your FI (and your mom!) can make an appearance at? I'm thinking about doing this so our family (all OOT) will have someplace to go.
I like daniellemybelle's idea of a welcome party for those that aren't involved in the rehersal. Perhaps you could all plan to meet up for drinks somewhere after dinner?
My mom also gave me a really hard time about inviting more people to the rehearsal dinner that my in-laws were hosting. On my side of the family, it's customary, if not the expectation, to have all of the out-of-town guests attend the rehearsal dinner, if not the ENTIRE guest list.
I had to put my foot down and keep telling my mom--"FILs are hosting, so the guest list is really not our decision and out of respect to them, we need to let them do what they want."
We had this conversation several times over the course of a few months--and my mom ended up backing down.
Our rehearsal dinner was just wedding party and immediate family and it was PERFECT. Wouldn't have had it any other way. We met up with out-of-town folks afterwards, too--and my husband and I paid for a few rounds of drinks (was less than a couple of hundred dollars, so worth it to us.)
Hang in there! This was my major source of wedding stress for a long time, and it ended up being just fine!
FI and I are paying for the rehearsal dinner and I am adament about keeping the number LOW. 70 people sounds a little high for a rehearsal dinner to me but that's my opinion.
We're only having WP, readers, our officiant and 3 cousins attend the rehearsal dinner. And we're providing transportation so we're looking at 35-40 people and anywhere between $800-$1000.
I think traditionally the rehearsal dinner used to be only wedding party and immediate family (but I'm no etiquette expert : ) And it seems only recently that it's turned into a way to also greet OOT guests. I was actually quite surprised when I attended a wedding last year and was invited to the rehearsal dinner. The only reason I decided to invite everyone to my rehearsal dinner is because I'm having a destination wedding, so everyone is coming from OOT and there are only 30 people total coming to the wedding. If I was having a larger wedding, I wouldn't have planned it that way.
I agree with some other people who have said that maybe you could just have people meet up for drinks somewhere after a rehearsal dinner.
Honestly, as a guest who is not in the wedding party, I never expect to be invited to a rehearsal dinner. Will your aunts/uncles, etc. really care? As long as you don't set up the expectation, I think it should be fine.
1. I was always under the impression that a rehearsal dinner was for WP and immediate family. Is this not the case?
That is usually the case
2. What is the deal with the out of town dinner? Do we have to invite everyone that's coming from OOT?
It would be a nice gesture but if it's not economical to do that, maybe you guys can meet up after the dinner for drinks or something.
3. I have aunts and uncles coming from out of town...does this mean I have to invite local aunts and uncles too in order to be "fair"?
That is the issue with opening up the rehearsal dinner to people other than the WP and immediate family. It's almost negates the purpose of the wedding reception if you are going to see all of your guests the night before.
4. I have several cousins in my wedding party from different parents/families. They'll be anywhere from 15-20 at the time of the wedding. My mom is convinced that we have to invite their parents. I figure if they're old enough to be BMs/GMs, they don't need babysitters.
If the children were younger then I would agree with your mom that the parents needed to be there. Since they are older, they should be able to attend without their parents. After all, they are family.
That's the issue with opening up the rehearsal dinner to people other than wedding party and immediate family. It almost negates the purpose of the wedding reception if you're going to see all of the guests the night before.
Yes! This is what bothers me about it too. Like why have I spent all this time planning a wedding and everything and then we'll just have a mini-wedding (by the way my mother is planning it) the night before!
Thank you everyone for your advice so far. This has been really helpful. I'm also glad to see that others have gone through this/are going through this. Guess I don't have the only Momzilla! ;o)
These numbers are too high; it will turn into a mini reception. Here are a few suggestions:
I hope this helps you ladies.
For my bro's wedding they invited all OOT guests to the RD plus the WP. Which came out to 100 guests! We were doing the dinner in my parents backyard which meant we had to get a larger tent and more of everything. The night was a blurr for me because there was soo much that had to be done since we were the caterer/servers etc. I think it would have been better to just have the WP and parents/grandparents. We invited my mom's two sisters because they helped with the wedding which then opened it up to inviting all the aunts/uncles on both sides of the family. I think for our wedding we will be doing a welcome cocktail hour after the RD, so that we can include all OOT guests.
@Vintage2010: That's what I'm afraid of. Momzilla is saying we MUST invite her brothers and sisters. Which then in turn means we must invite my dad's brothers and sisters, FIL's brothers and sisters, etc. etc. It just doesn't make any sense. This is turning into a gigantic thing that we don't want.
OH yeah and the brides step-mom's brother brought some of the other OOT guests so we had to pull out an extra table and such. IF it is just the WP then I think you avoid most of that type stuff from happening because they are in the loop on who is expected to be there and who isn't.
We have a fairly similar issue - about 80-90% of our guests will be OOT. I think the current plan is to have a small rehearsal dinner with immediate family and the bridal party. Then, we are planning to have a non-hosted get-together at a nearby pub. I think we're going to write something on our wedding website to the effect of -
"Getting into town on Friday night? We'll be headed to Tyler's Taproom for an informal get-together and a few drinks and would love to see you there. If you want to join us, meet us there at 9pm!"
this is what we are planning on doing -- have a rehearsal dinner for us, bridal party, parents, gparents. But we plan to have it at a restaurant with a decent bar space to invite any out of town guests for a "welcome" event sorta thing after...
Prestige Occasions: Good ideas! We have officially decided to have a separate, non-hosted welcome dinner for any OOT guests that would like a place to go and catch up with family. My grandma suggested having at a buffet restaurant where everyone can pick what they want, but I am liking Prestige's suggestions of something more like an activity, like bowling or a game night, so I may try to figure out how to work that in. Though we are having a morning wedding so its not like people will be wanting to stay up late!
Traditionally, only the immediate families of the bride and groom and the wedding party (plus their dates) are invited to the rehersal dinner.
Since your FI is paying for the rehersal dinner, it would be pretty rude to invite that many additional people. If your parents are paying for the wedding, imagine how you would feel if his family increased their guest list by 150 people.
The girl who had the idea of having a separate get together for all out of town guests would be a really nice compromise.
Oh, this thread has just made me so so thankful that rehearsal dinners are not a tradition and not necessary here!
We will be having a WP dinner the night before -- parents, siblings+partners, bridesmaids and best man + partners. But no one has any expectations of it, because not many people do them here. So it's just dinner at a restaurant near our house. There will be 17 of us, but that is at least manageable!
Thank you everyone for your advice! There's no reasoning with my mom right now (she's really p*ssed off) but I talked to FI last night and we are taking a lot of these ideas into consideration. I think the idea of having a designated meet up spot later is great. I just don't see the reasoning for inviting this many people to the rehearsal dinner when 24 hours later, we'll all be at the reception!
Thanks, bees ;o)
If your mom is dead set on including everyone, what about letting her host a day after brunch, like one of the other posters mentioned (if that works logistically)? Then, she can invite whoever she wants. If you go that route, you can try to explain to your mom the pre- and post- wedding distinction (e.g., "The day after, we can thank everyone for coming all the way in and celebrating with us, etc. The RD is like the intimate, "planning committee" party - it's still about the behind the scenes aspects of the wedding, and thanking just the people who were involved in that part of the process.")
I believe you're right. The rehearsal dinner is supposed to be WP and immeadiate family. That's what I've always seen, anyway. If you're not comfortable with that, let your Mom know!
i have a similar issue, though it's mostly resolved...what i originally wanted was something like what my brother had-- a rehearsal dinner for just the bridal party and immediate family to really show our appreciation for them, and then a dessert reception that was a more casual welcome event for all out of towners, which was everyone, i think, since their wedding was semi-destination...
my fmil and ffil are really offended though by the idea of having a separate event, and so they want to have a dinner for all OOT and WP. they were actually really sweet about it--most of the OOT are my extended family, and they said they want to get to know my family since they will be becoming their family as well. so, we're going to have some kind of buffet dinner, and it's going to be huge--like at least 100 people--but that's what they want to do, and we'll just be really careful to keep it informal and different from the actual wedding...
Wow. 70 people? That's a LOT, imo. Wouldn't that be like holding 2 receptions? I was also under the impression that rehearsal dinners are WP and immediate family.
Ours will probably end up being parents, siblings, g-parents and WP. That's it. Maybe like, 15 people.
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FI and I are working on the rehearsal dinner. His parents are hosting it, but they're older and not very tech savvy, so we're helping.
Background: We're getting married in my hometown, which is about 45 minutes from FI's hometown. Most of his family lives in his hometown and most of my mom's family lives in my hometown. My dad's family is scattered all over the country, and FI has some family in PA and FL. We'll have about 30 OOT guests (not counting WP). We're having a Saturday night wedding with a Friday night rehearsal. We're expecting about 140 at the wedding.
My mom is saying that we have to invite all kinds of people, and the list has gotten up to 70. I feel this is a little ridiculous, and a lot to ask of my FILs.
These are my questions:
1. I was always under the impression that a rehearsal dinner was for WP and immediate family. Is this not the case?
2. What is the deal with the out of town dinner? Do we have to invite everyone that's coming from OOT?
3. I have aunts and uncles coming from out of town...does this mean I have to invite local aunts and uncles too in order to be "fair"?
4. I have several cousins in my wedding party from different parents/families. They'll be anywhere from 15-20 at the time of the wedding. My mom is convinced that we have to invite their parents. I figure if they're old enough to be BMs/GMs, they don't need babysitters.
5. Just general etiquette/tips on this thing would be great. I feel like this is turning into a mini-wedding.
Thanks!