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I think you should let FI talk to his mother. If she won't bring it up in front of him, then he should bring it up with her and get it straightened out.
Personally, I think you are right to have your fiance really jump in and try to handle this. It's his mother, and you shouldn't have to be the bad guy at all in this situation. I am sure he'll be glad to help - and even if she is only bringing it up to you when he is not there, he can still gently make clear to her that he knows about the situation and that he'd prefer if she dealt with him on the reherasal dinner because you are slammed with planning the actual wedding and work, etc. That's what we've done - fiance's mother can be a bit overbearing, and I've just decided (and thankfully he's agreed) that he he should be the one to deal with her on things. That way he and I are presenting a calm, unified front. You don't want to ruffle her feathers, and I am sure he can speak to her in a loving but clear way and handle the situation. (Also maybe have him speak to his father also, so that it is one couple addressing another couple? Sometimes it helps to have two people involved... and also he can thank his parents profousely and say how happy you both are to have them help - but that you want to go with the restaurant idea. He can say how touched he is that his parents are so willing to make his future bride happy, yada, yada, yada.)
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Given that the RD is traditionally the responsibility of the groom and family, I think that the next time she brings it up to you, just let her know that you are letting FI handle that and she should talk with him. And the work call thing is easy - just tell her you are super busy and will have to talk later. Thanks, buh-bye!
I also agree with MollyB that, if somehow having FI talk with his mom doesn't work, the four of you should get together and discuss the issue. Especially since FMIL is using FFIL as some kind of excuse; that clearly gets more difficult when he is right in the room. Interestingly enough we have this type of problem primarily with my mother, and FI and I have had a lot of success with the "all four of us face-to-face" method. She is much less willing to be manipulative and demanding with a bigger audience, and sometimes my dad and FI will just go ahead and come to a compromise between the two of them, which is hilarious.
I am sure that the reason she calls you particularly is because she thinks that is the best strategy for getting her way. So just politely circumvent that strategy, and hope for the best!
Well done, Suzanno. That's great advice.
I say this a lot on the boards...weddings have a tendency to cause people to go cuckoo, especially family members. Sounds like your FMIL would like some attention, too, and to her that means hosting the RD HER way and at their family's home. That way, she gets to be the hostess with the mostess.
She is losing sight that this celebration really is about the union you and her son are about to make. Actually that might be the reason why she is trying to shine some of the light on her, too. She might be having a hard time with the fact that her son is moving on with his life where another woman will be most important to him.
While, yes, his parents are hosting the dinner, I completely feel like you and FI have every right to give input to what type of RD you want.
I know how frustrating this must be, and I hate to play devil's advocate, but I have to point out a few things. You say your FMIL doesn't understand compromise, but I don't see anything that you are willing to give up to come to a compromise either; it makes it seem like you just want it your way (I could be wrong in this, please forgive me if I misunderstood you).Â
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I can actually see the validity of her point--as someone who doesn't like crowds myself, a 30+ person dinner in a crowded restaurant is definitely going to be more hectic than that same party in a private home (or for comparison, more hectic than a 4 person dinner in the same restaurant). Now if the restaurant has a private dining room (not semi-private but a full separate room), this would mitigate the crowds issue. If it doesn't, perhaps you could suggest another restaurant nearby that does.
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A dinner spread out on couches and makeshift chairs isn't really that bad, it's just not very formal. And inexpensive mexican food is rarely formal, so I'm guessing that's not the style you are going for anyway. My parents have parties like this all the time, and in fact we are having our rehearsal dinner (for 50!) at their house in this style. Just avoid a full plated dinner that requires excessive utensils--mexican food might be great for this actually, you could have your mexican restaurant cater a make-your-own taco bar or something.Â
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On the subject of alcohol, of course they wouldn't think to include it in the catering, but that doesn't mean you can't ASK them to include it, or perhaps you could provide wine/beer/etc. yourselves (unless they don't want alcohol even near them, but then you'd have the same issue in a restaurant).
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I can't really address the accessibility of the place, but perhaps someone else local to the area with a more convenient house would be willing to host it in lieu of having it at your FMIL's mom's place. Or perhaps FMIL would be wiling to provide a shuttle bus from the hotel, which would cover both the hard-to-find and parking issues.
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I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but ultimately she's paying for it, so it is her prerogative to have it where she wants (unless she gives you a blank check). I think the best way to get her to compromise is to approach her with things YOU are willing to compromise on, and I'm just trying to give you some options in that regard. And doing this with your FI as a united front is definitely important, but leaving it all to him is not a united front, and may backfire. If your original plan still sounds like the best option to you, then by all means, try for it, just remember to look at it from her point of view too--Good luck!
oh this just stinks. I think it is generally a good idea to have the FI run defense with his mother, but, you have to be careful. That's how we have been handling things, and sometimes I just feel out of the loop AND the FI hides things from me that he knows will piss me off. I'd rather have something out in the air and deal with it rather than stuffing it under the rug, you know? Someone said it before, and its totally true, weddings make people cuckoo. I'm hoping that all goes back to normal later.
i actually kind of agree with blushingaudrey. if they're hosting, they get to make the final decision. i think that you might need to scrap both ideas and start from scratch. since both you and your FMIL have strong ideas, it might be best to have a meeting with everyone so that you can talk about what each person wants and see if you can come up with a solution that meets everyone's expectations.
I hate to say this katie, but my family (and FILs) are actually not more cuckoo than normal, and I would guess that is true for lots of other families. Its just that their normal level of craziness is sort of intensified, because its almost impossible to ignore. In normal life, where I can always just walk away and laugh off anything that goes badly, there is just way less pressure - plus in normal life you interact a lot less. One big advantage is that all this pressure-cooker-craziness has really helped FI and I with our communication skills, although we've really had to work on working as a team. Sounds like maybe you and your FI need to work on that too! Look at it as an opportunity...
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AAAHHH! Wondernart! Do not "Comprimise" on anything! I am so confused about why there are always hurt feelings while planning a wedding. Is FFIL going to go to the wedding? There will most likely be more than 30 attendees, correct? FMIL get's to decide ultimately what happens with her money, however this wedding is yours and FI's alone. Don't stew about this and resent the fact that you did it her way. FI should let FMIL know that the decision has been made to go to the Mexican Restaurant.
If this is ABSOLUTELY not okay with FMIL, have plan "B" and let her know that you would like to rent the table, linen and chairs for your Catered event and have your friends bring their favorite bottle of wine ... maybe?
Whatever you do - make sure you enjoy yourself. She gets to share in your happiness, which means that you must be happy.
GOOD LUCK!
maybe the compromise is to have the dinner at the FIL's house but you and FI can provide/bring alcohol? i think having a casual/at home RD can be fun and relaxed! but yea.. no alchol is kind of a buzzkill. maybe that's the compromise???
First off - thanks for all the advice! You've all definitely helped me see this issue from different angles.
So, FI thanked his mum for her contribution but said we would still like to have the dinner in a restaurant (not necessarily the Mexican one, even though we all love it and it has a generously-sized party room).
Despite his explanation she still said no, which really didn't surprise me at all. She said that any restaurant would "shove us into a tiny back room" and that people shouldn't drink alcohol because this is a "formal event." Despite all that alcohol-free formality, she claimed it would be okay for people to sit on the floor. He asked about bringing our own alcohol and that was not allowed either.
We decided to host the dinner ourselves (with a little help from my parents and grandparents, who have been extremely supportive of us throughout our entire five year relationship).
FMIL says paranoid-dad still won't come, but we've decided that if he doesn't care enough to show, then it's his issue to deal with for the rest of his life, not ours.
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My threatening FMIL, who is opposed to our impending marriage but wants her fingers in every decision we make, has insisted she pay for the rehearsal dinner and asked where we'd like to have it.
My fiance, both our families & I love (LOVE LOVE) Mexican food, and there is a fun, cheap, and tasty Mexican restaurant within reasonable distance of our venue (a private residence). FI and I decided that's the best place to have the dinner, and told her that.
Last week she called me and asked if she could host the rehearsal dinner at her mother's house and have it catered. Oh, no. Not what we wanted at all.
1) this house is hard to find, has no parking, and definitely no place for the 30+ people to sit together for dinner. We'd have guests having dinner on the floor and on couches. Blah.
2) FI's family doesn't drink alcohol, so they wouldn't figure that into the catering. Not acceptable.
She says the reason is that FI's dad is uncomfortable around a lot of people and doesn't want to have it in a restaurant. This throws me for two reasons:
1) He eats in the restaurant we want, I've had several meals with them there.
2) No matter where we have the event, there will be the same amount of people.
I've told FI that it's his responsibility to straighten her out on this issue, but she only brings it up to me when he's not around (and calling me at work, GRR). I want to tell her to forget it and we'll find the money to host it ourselves (a total lie since we can't afford it), but I think that would make her just as upset as trying to reach a compromise.
Basically, how do I deal with a person who doesn't know the meaning of the word "compromise"?
GRR ARG.