Post # 1
I’m trying to be a good Mother of the Groom for my Son & future Daughter’s casual wedding. My husband & I are paying for the rehearsal dinner and helping as much as we can with everything else. The bride’s parents are only paying for the wedding reception and favors. My son is paying the rest. My problem: the bride’s Mom has changed the reception menu several times already, from a casual sit down menu to meat & cheese trays and now elaborate finger foods. I want to nail down a menu of what my son & future daughter want and move forward. However, wedding etiquette states that I not overshadow the reception….what do I do????? P.S Also having trouble with the outfits, each one she picks is more elaborate than the last, etiquette states she chooses & I co-ordinate with her but not overshadow…I’m not a fancy person and am thinking of a fancy neutral monochromatic beige or silver grey (or co-ordinated wedding color) pant suit or long dress requardless of what she wears. The wedding colors are light blue and lavender with black and silver accents. Thanks in advance for any help you can give me. With gratitude from Tennessee.
Post # 3
Honestly I’d let the kids (obviously they aren’t kids) handle the reception menu issues on their own. It’s their wedding and only they can truly speak to their situation and needs. If you try to jump in then in can turn into a yucky power struggle. If they aren’t happy with th FMIL’s plans then they can pay for the reception they want.
For clothes, I’d maybe give her a timeline of when you have to buy your outfit. Then see what you’re working with. Just putting it out there, if the demands started getting crazy I’d just play dumb, buy what I wanted, and smile.
Jeez, are the “kids” feelin the stress like you are?
Post # 4
Thanks Icetea for the quick response. The “kids” are early mid-twenties, I just didn’t want to offend anyone but, you’re right – let them decide for themselves about the menus. Secondly, yes, both are stressed out because of the FMIL take over attitude – her way or she pitches a fit. I have suggested having a sit down and letting her know kindly that it is their wedding & not hers, but, I don’t look forward to what will obviously happen. And lastly, great idea about the clothing. Thank – you so much.
Post # 5
I think the reception menu can be changed as many times as they want as long as it isn’t listed on the RSVP card (and will be different then what they guests are expecting). As long as the caterer isn’t walking away – I think it is fine.
As for her ‘take over’ attitude – these stories fill our threads of FMIL’s becoming crazy with control issues. It’s nice to hear a MOG step back for once (even though the MOB is still going crazy). I agree with what has been said so far – let the ‘kids’ take care of it. You can offer your advice (that they should confront her nicely) – but otherwise it’s probably best to let it go.
Also, you mentioned the Bride’s parents are paying for ‘only the reception’…is it the whole reception or did you miss a word?
Post # 6
@fayenet13: You sound very caring and that you’d like to be involved. That is very sweet of you to offer to help and also very generous you’re paying for the reception. But, like PPs said, I would let you son and future DIL work with her parents on the reception menu, since they are paying. As annoying as it is, I’m sure the DIL will eventually put her foot down and set what they (her and your son) are comfortable with. Most brides reach that point.
For the outfit, I would just throw your ideas at the DIL/son to see their opinons. Who cares what the MOB wears, you should wear what you feel comfortable and great in! I always think this ettiquette rule is silly, and honestly I think a ton of people don’t follow it. Hopefully your DIL agrees!
Post # 7
I was the (almost step)mother of a groom (my FI’s adult son) and was charged with the rehearsal dinner when he got married. (Apparently I’m the only adult in his life capable of planning a dinner party.) I also ended up planning a rehearsal dinner where the food was significantly better than the reception food. Not one single person noticed (apart from me, because I’m a chef and I get paid to be hypercritical of food), and everyone had a great time at the reception despite the mediocre food and wine, because it was a wedding, not a gourmet dinner. People aren’t making these comparisons in their minds when they attend these events. They’re just celebrating and having fun.
Also – please stop worrying about coordinating outfits. As long as you look appropriately dressed and aren’t overshadowing the bride, no one is going to be standing around judging you and comparing your outfit to the MoB. And if they are, they’re asshats, so who cares what they think?
Post # 8
For the outfit, I’d just wear what you want, something in silver might be nice because it “goes” with the wedding colours without being the colour of the bridesmaid dresses.
My mom and step-mom (no FMIL) are wring completely different styles/colours, and I could care less. My step mom is wearing a weird floral looking dress with big poofy sleeves (think 80’s), and my mom is wearing a gorgeous, one shoulder, floor length gown in a solid colour. Not even close to the same colours. They didn’t ask eachother what the other was wearing, because who cares?
As for the “FMIL is ONLY paying for the reception” I’m cconfused by this? The reception is the biggest cost of a wedding?
Post # 9
To FortiesFlare & suburbian:
According to various websites, the bride’s parents should pay for the following if they are able to (in which they are):
- Engagement party (optional)
- Wedding invitations and other stationery (announcements, thank-you notes, etc.)
- Services of bridal consultant
- Wedding gown and accessories
- Flowers for ceremony and reception sites
- Bouquets for bridesmaids
- Bridal party transportation to ceremony
- Family’s wedding attire
The groom’s family is only responsible to pay for the rehearsal dinner and family’s clothing. A popular option is for each family to pay 1/3 the cost of everything. As I stated her parents are only paying for the reception and favors. Thanks for the advice…completely destressed now.
Post # 10
@fayenet13: let your kids decide/handle this