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"we decided his dad would pay for", "its what we wanted", "we told his dad how many we are inviting", "this is what we wanted so we are inviting whoever we want", 'we are not willing to change our minds", "i refuse to budge"
are you serious???
I must have missed the part that explained why you and FI can't help pay for the dinner...that is a huge rehearsal dinner.
What do you mean you are refusing to budge? If your FFIL is paying, you have to meet his budget unless you are kicking in some money of your own. You can't force him to pay if he thinks it's too much.
It's fine to combine a rehearsal dinner (for people who participated in the rehearsal--i.e., the bridal party and immediate families) with a welcome dinner (for out of town guests), but if he refuses to pay for a full 90-120 people (which is practically another wedding!), I'm not sure there is much you can do about it besides pay the difference yourself. So don't budge, if that's worth it to you.
I agree with eloping. This sounds like an extravegant affair, and totally out of the norm. If you want to have that huge of a rehearsal dinner, you should pay for anything over the normal bridal party + SO's plus immediate family. Just because your FH's father has not "done anything" for him in seven years doesn't entitle you to decide for him how his money is spent.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but your post came off as very selfish.
If its within your means, why don't your FI and you pay for it. It sort of sounds like you're including him but in a spiteful way. In MHO it would be best to just leave him out of it if he doesn't want to take part. It would take away from the fact that its a celebration of your marriage and you shouldn't fake happiness on such a special day. Keep your sanity and just don't include him.
I have to agree with eloping and mskalinin. I don't think you can decide to force FFIL to pay that much for a rehearsal dinner just because you don't think he has been very supportive in the past. You either except someone and love them the way they are, or you distance yourself from that person because you don't approve of their behavior. But you don't just try to "make them pay". Sorry, but this has happened in my family, and I cannot agree with it.
I think you are only entitled to make decisions that definite when you are willing to put up the money. My dad always said the golden rule was that "whoever has the gold makes the rules" and that is how real life works.
I would have to agree. If you discussed paying for the rehearsal dinner, without mentioning the fact that it is 5x the normal size of what most older people would consider being a typical rehearsal dinner, aka, bridal party, then I am not surprised. I personally do not think he is being unreasonable, if he wasn't given a fair heads up. What may have to happen if you are not willing to cut your list, is that he pays for the 20 or so people he assumed would be invited, and you kick in the rest.
Again, I don't mean to sound harsh, but without knowing all of the facts, I don't see his assumption as being premature. $5k is alot of mony.
"What I am so mad about is that his dad has not done anything for him in the entire 7 and a half years we have been together."
If that is true, then clearly he is not a part of your relationship and shouldn't be forced into something he doesn't want to do. If its what you and your FI want then you should pay. There are no rules that says he has to do anything. It may be customary that groom's parents take care of the rehersal dinner but it isn't a rule set in stone. There are no wedding police that is going to fine him for not paying for your demands.
I agree with LorennaL-"My dad always said the golden rule was that "whoever has the gold makes the rules" and that is how real life works. "
Wow, entitlement much?
Just because someone's an absent parent doesn't mean they can afford a 5k pre-wedding party. In fact, that's some people's entire wedding budget.
Honestly, I don't mean to sound mean, but my parents are paying for my wedding and I did and am doing everything I can to save them money. To rack up a bill like that is just kind of spoiled and frankly, a little uncalled for. You shouldn't have relied on a guy whom your FI doesn't like much anyway, and then to expect this from him is just like you're using him.
just my two cents.
Umm. I'm just going to repeat what Eloping wrote:
"we decided his dad would pay for", "its what we wanted", "we told his dad how many we are inviting", "this is what we wanted so we are inviting whoever we want", 'we are not willing to change our minds", "i refuse to budge"
are you serious???
I agree. My parents are paying for our whole wedding as well (except bar) and I was given a certain amount and I'm trying my hardest to stay well UNDER that amount. FI parents are paying for our rehearsal dinner as well and I feel bad asking them to pay 22.00/per person for our 17 people. I can not believe you have the gull to call and tell him he is paying 5k and you aren't budging.
I think you should re-evaluate your point of view. Maybe he doesn't feel thats where 5k of his money should go and he has that right. If someone asked me to pay for thier RD I would assume they were invite well under 50 people, not over 100. I agree with pp that you should foot the bill if this is what you want so much.
Um wow let me get this straight - you are mad that a person not very involved in you and your FI's life is not willing to shell out 5K for a party.
Honey, I don't think you are going to have to turn into bridezilla - you are there.
Did you and your FI talk with his dad about the amount he was willing to pay? $5k is honestly a lot of money to just expect someone to pay. I don't care how much he makes a year, a lot of times people have bills and expenses that they don't just let anyone know. He probably can't really even afford to pay such an extravagant amount for a rehearsal dinner. I agree with mrscingle2be that you should pay for it if this is what you want and you aren't going to budge. There honestly have to be less expensive options for a rehearsal dinner. One more thing....did your parents say they would pay for the rehearsal dinner if your FI's dad doesn't? If they are paying for the whole wedding, that is a lot to just assume they will additionally pay.
TURN INTO a Bridezilla?!?! Honey, you're already way past that.
Wow. I think the cost of your "rehearsal dinner" is my the cost of my entire wedding. Your "rehearsal dinner" guestlist is as long as my entire guest list. Regardless of how "absent" Daddy was during the formative years, it is absurd to expect him to pay for this, especially since you obviously didn't include him in the planning of it AT ALL. YOU want all this, YOU pay for it. NOT your parents. NOT his parents. YOU TWO.
And in case it didn't sink in when Eloping posted it, or when the others reposted it:
"we decided his dad would pay for", "its what we wanted", "we told his dad how many we are inviting", "this is what we wanted so we are inviting whoever we want", 'we are not willing to change our minds", "i refuse to budge"
are you serious???
If you want things done a certain way (and you have the right to want whatever you want), then you have to be willing to pay yourself to have it done that way. It's above and beyond what he's willing to put in. It's not your money. If you can't NICELY convince him otherwise, give up and pay for it yourself or work within what he's contributing. You don't have the right to GET whatever you want, unless you're paying for it.
If all you have to do is chip in $5,000 for an incredibly extravagent weekend of affairs in the most expensive city in this country, consider yourself one of the luckiest people on earth.
I think that your FI should ask his Dad what he is willing to give as a gift. Remember it is just that a gift. So if he says I'll give you 2,000 for the RD then either you have to come up with the other 3,000 or find another venue and/or cut the guest list.
We are also inviting 450 people to our wedding and it is destintation. We just spoke to my FI's parents today about guest list for RD. The FMIL thinks we should invite all guests who are in town to the RD. I disagree. We are inviting all bridal party and their dates, plus Grandparents, sibilings, Aunts/uncles and a few close family friends that have helped with the wedding. Beyond that I think is a little to excessive. After all we are having a golf outing on Sunday. You yourself said you are having a Sunday brunch as well. I think you are asking a lot of your family to have such a large RD on top of the brunch and wedding.
Sorry, can't side with you on this one. Please explain how you can call on an individual who you claim have had no interest in your relationship to pay for such an event.
As many have pointed out, if YOU are not willing to budge then there is no way your FFIL should be on the hook for the dinner. Why should he budge? Really? A boat dinner for 90+ guests? Is that really necessary? If it is then the least you could do is help pay the $5K bill.
I agree with what everyone else has been saying. If your FFIL wasn't aware of the cost beforehand you can't expect him to agree with what you and your FI have planned. If that is what you want for a rehearsal dinner then ask your FFIL what he is comfortable contributing and then pay for the rest yourselves.
May I please remind you all of our comment policy and that we are not here to attack others. I think we can all agree to disagree on this particular topic and I think now it is time to close this post.
This topic has been closed to new replies.
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So far wedding planning has been going great. No real problems with anything. My parents are paying for the entire wedding. FH's parents are divorced, his mom is really nice but his dad is kind of an ass hole. We decided that since his dad never wants to do anything involving his mom, that his dad would pay for the rehersal dinner and his mom would pay for the sunday brunch. He told his dad this a couple months ago and everything was fine. But then a few weeks ago he told his dad how many people we were inviting, about 90-120. We are inviting all out of town friends and family, the actual wedding has a guest list of about 425. We are not willing to change our minds on this. So we decided to do a river boat dinner cruise, its probably going to end up being about 5k. Now FH's dad is not very involved in his life, and is not really a nice guy. FH called him today to let him know how much it was going to be and what we are doing. His dad thinks we need to reconsider the whole thing. He thinks the rehersal dinner should be only bridal party and parents. FH told him this is what we wanted so we are inviting whoever we want. Then he started complaining about the cost of the river boat and said we shouldnt do it because some people wont want to go on a boat. What I am so mad about is that his dad has not done anything for him in the entire 7 and a half years we have been together. His dad never helped out his mom financially with college for my FH and his dad lives alone and has a good job, he can totally afford it. And he was saying that we should invited that many people to the rehersal dinner because it should only be people we care alot about and want to be with. The thing is if his dad cared to be apart of his life he would know how much my family means to us and how much all of my parents friends mean to us. Know he is making my FH feel bad about it... I refuse to budge, I am inviting the people and want and we are doing it on the boat. If his dad refuses to pay then my parents will have to pay for it and that makes my FH feel really bad after all they have done for us and since they are paying for the wedding.
Sorry that was long and rambling. I just know if his dad trys to change his mind this will be my bridezilla moment!
Does anyone else have a FFIL like this?