Post # 1
As I was going over some last minute wedding details with my father, yet another “wedding etiquette” issue popped into the picture. My father is paying for our ceremony and reception with a little added help for extras, my mother is paying for my gown, and FI & I are picking up the rest. I’m very fortunate to have parents who have saved for years for this big day, so thankfully FI & I have much lower costs than the average couple.
Here is where our etiquette problem lies: My father is very traditional and he believes that it is proper etiquette to have the groom’s parents pay for the rehersal dinner if the bride’s parents are paying for the wedding. We’re now only three months away from the big day though and no rehersal dinner has been planned. My father wants to call my FI’s parents to casually ask about the rehersal dinner.
Do you think it would be rude for my father to do this? My parents also split the cost of our engagement party and many other extras. My mother also thinks it would be proper of FI’s parents to offer, but she doesn’t want to ask them. Should I get FI to ask his parent’s if they are planning anything? We have to make some reservations soon or it will be too late with such a big head count.
What do you on the bee think is proper “wedding etiquette?” Do you think my father is right? Who’s paying for your rehersal dinner?
Thanks to all 🙂
Post # 3
No rehearsal dinner for me…
Post # 4
we paid for our own rehearsal dinner (and planned/arranged it), and our own wedding.
Post # 5
I don’t think your father should be the one to reach out to them. I think that would be awkward. I think your FI should go to his parents and say something along the lines of “Traditionally the groom’s parents plan/host the rehearsal dinner and we were just wondering if you were planning on anything”. He needs to make it clear that it’s not expected, but you guys wanted to give them the opportunity to do so if they wanted to. But you and your FI should be prepared to plan and pay for the event if his parents chose not to.
ETA: To answer your other questions my inlaws did pay for the event. My MIL planned it for the most part, I just helped with selecting the venue because our wedding was near where I grew up so she wasn’t as familiar with that part of the state. But they came to me to let me know they wanted to host, we didn’t ask.
Post # 6
My parents and his parents and us all contributed some cash to a “pot” that I am splitting up among the various costs. So nobody is paying for anything specific; rather everyone is paying for everything. ETA: (sorry, didn’t read your question) not sure if reaching out is a good idea. I think if they were planning to host one, they’d have offered by now.. but not sure.
Post # 7
My FI’s dad is paying for the rehearsal dinner, but I am planning it. My parents are paying for the wedding and FI led his dad know that it was his responsibility to host the rehearsal dinner. I don’t think its appropriate for your dad to call you FFIL.
Post # 8
You should have your FI bring it up to them. Are they not doing well financially right now? That could be why they haven’t mentioned anything.
FIs parents are paying for ours, they are also paying for my bouquet because FMIL tells me they are supposed to (OK I’m fine with that ) I helped them pick out a location. I gave them a list of about 7 nearby restaurants and let them choose which one they wanted to use. FMIL keeps trying to ask me questions about what I want, but I really want nothing to do with it. I want them to plan it all. I have enough on my plate planning a wedding!
Post # 9
There is always some tension between parents when there is wedding planning going on. Your FI needs to ASK his parents what they are doing for the rehearsal dinner. If they don’t plan on paying for the dinner, you are going to have to figure out a different way. If you decide to pay for the dinner yourselves, I would keep that between you and the FI. Sharing it with your parents might distrub the peace.
I wouldn’t want my father calling my FFIL but I do understand your father’s frustration. If he is paying for your FI parents and guests to come to your wedding, the least your FILs could do is pay for a rehearsal dinner for their own son.
Post # 10
I will likely plan the rehearsal dinner with the grooms mother if she wants. But she will more than likely be paying for it (will be the only thing she pays for). I dont think your father should be the one to have to deal with this. Have your FI talk to his mom…you dont ask your FI to talk to your dad about what he’s paying for right?
Post # 11
Thanks for all of the comments everyone.
@LRin2011: They are doing just fine financially. Actually, they were bragging over the Christmas holidays about how much extra cash they have now that all of their children are out of the house (FI’s youngest brother is 20) and they are finally done their home renos. They also just bought a brand new pick up truck…
I don’t want to seem rude or pushy, but it would be nice to have SOME help from them. They haven’t paid for or helped out with anything. My father is a little frustrated, but he told me if they don’t want to spring for it he’ll split the costs with FI & I. It would just be nice to see a contribution from them to show their support.
Thanks for all the input. I made this post so that I could get a feel for what the norm is.
Post # 12
Don’t have your dad call – that’ll make for an extremly uncomfortable situation. Everyone is in different financial places, and there is no rule that you have to have a rehearsal dinner. Or that they “have” to pay. That is “tradition” but it’s not that common these days. They might not know. If anything, have your FI bring it up – but NOT your dad.
Post # 13
Our rehearsal falls on the 2nd night of Rosh Hashana which is amazing being that I am Jewish so we are going to have everyone come back to our condo take all the furniture out and have a huge dinner hosted by my parents and by FI and myself
Post # 14
Two things, first I don’t really think anyone HAS to help you with your wedding (I know you didn’t imply they did– but just stating that is my point of view). Second, just because they haven’t offered doesn’t mean they haven’t thought about it.
My parents offered to help us with our wedding and FI’s parents did not. We never brought it up to them because we didn’t think it was required of them to help us. We did plan on a rehearsal dinner and I have made all of the arrangements– we planned to pay for it ourselves. Over a casual conversation just this week (6 weeks from the wedding) my FI’s mom told me she was planning to pay for the rehearsal dinner. I’m still planning all the details (although I am running everything by her so she knows the costs), but she said she plans to just foot the bill on the night of. So, in the end my FI’s parents are paying for it, but we’re planning it (which is why I said “other” on your poll).
Post # 15
@mrs.peters.to.be: In that case tell them to put some of that extra cash to good use and host your rehearsal dinner! Haha maybe not that wording, but your FI should definitely bring it up to them. I started bugging FI everyday to talk to his parents about ours because I didn’t want them waiting until the last minute like they usually do.
Post # 16
Your Fiance should have a conversation with his parents about the rehersal dinner. I think your parents contacting them may complicate the wedding… Anymore I dont think the Groom’s parents have to pay but if your parents are paying for everything else it would nice of them to pick up the cost. Otherwise I would say to keep it to yourself if your FI and you end up paying so it doesnt upset your parents.
As far as ours. My parents have contributed 2/3 of the wedding cost and my FI and I are picking up the rest. All the money is in the wedding pot and we are just paying for things as they come up.