Post # 1
My fiancé is an introvert and doesn’t have many close friends other than his best friend who he typically hangs out with on a bi-weekly basis. I am slightly less of an introvert and have a couple good friends that I talk to frequently. Now, here is where the problem starts. He has confronted me about feeling jealous that I have more “people to talk to” than he does, and he gets jealous when he sees me talking to (texting) my friends. To solve this “problem”, he has taken it upon himself to reconnect with people from his past that he has been sexually involved with. He has always had trouble making good platonic friends, though he’s never had trouble finding sexual partners. So because of this, most of his “good friends” happen to have some sexual history in his life. (He is bisexual)
Now this is where my insecurities and feelings of hypocrisy step in. In the past, he had asked me to remove everyone from my past that I have a sexual history with. I was fine with this because he had done the same at the time. But now I feel like he is just being hypocritical that he is now inviting all of these people back into his life just so he has people to talk to via text or Facebook. I am also beginning to feel upset anytime I see him texting because I know he is talking to one of these people — one woman in particular I am quite worried about because she had been “obsessed” with him (according to what he told me). He insists that he ensures everyone he talks to respect boundaries, and I do trust him as he has never given me reason not to, but I don’t trust all of the women he talks to.
I personally don’t understand why he can’t just try to make new friends and I feel like inviting these people back into his life is just asking for problems. I don’t think it’s fair to me and this isn’t something I should have to deal with.
What do you guys think of the situation? I want to ask him to cut these people out of his life but I also don’t want to feel as if I’m trying to control him or make him feel friendless. I struggle to understand what is and isn’t okay and what I should be able to have a say in because my prior relationship was very unhealthy and he was extremely controlling, so I am really having to re-learn what I’m able to have a say in regarding my fiancé.
Post # 3
. I am friendly and have different people and circles I talk to and move around in. However that being said my Fi is a huge people person. His guestlist of friends is way larger then mine.
To be honest your Fi seems to be manipulative and controlling. I have red flagging people, but I find that to be something you guys need to have major discussions over.
My Fi has a few friends who are exes whom he kept in touch with before I ever entered in the pictures. I think if I asked him to get rid of these friends it would be controlling and disrespectful. I would have a fit and most likly would breakup with him if he decided he wanted to “rekindle” with any exes who is no longer friends with.
It’s hard making new friends as an adult f your Fi wants new friends there are plenty of things she do like join a recreational sports team, or an activity that he enjoys and can meet new people at. Look online like at Meetup.com to meet other people.
I feel like this is not ok, and you aren’t being controlling.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
Have you talked to him about this? I totally agree with you that this is hypocritical of him as you have already cut out similar people in your life, and it will only open up problems, not to mention it is already making you feel resentful. Have you told him these points??
Post # 5
@AnchorSails: Honestly he sounds extremely immature to me. And it must be hard to worry about both men AND women having a sexual history with him. Yikes. I would hate that.
I agree he is being a hypocrite, but when it comes down to it, do you trust him? Why does this make you feel insecure? Is he just texting/Facebooking them, or is he meeting up with them?
It sounds like he isn’t trying to hide this from you so maybe you’re just uncomfortable because of the past. If the past is in the past then maybe it’ll stay buried?
I am not trying to trivialize your feelings or anything… I think this would make me uncomfortable too, but if you don’t think that there’s anything going on (and it’s unlikely he’s secretly hooking up with all these people) then maybe it’s best not to fight this battle. At least he isn’t complaining that he’s jealous you have more friends or something (weird).
Post # 6
The double standard is not ok. Either you are both freely allowed to communicate and associate with whomever you please, exes included, or you both can’t. If he will not be ok with you reconnecting with exes, then you should speak up and not at all feel guilty about it.
Making new friends gets more difficult as life goes on, but he needs to respect your agreed upon boundaries. This seems likea very passive aggressive move on his part, he knows exes are out of bounds and he wants you to associate with your friends less so he doesn’t feel so alone.
Post # 7
Not ok. I agree this sounds really immature. I am friends with exes and my DH would be if they weren’t all a bit nuts, but I think friending exes he wasn’t previously maintaining a friendship with is just weird. Just so he can have people to text with as much as you? At the very least you should point out the hypocrisy and be able to veto the one girl who was “obsessed with” him.
Post # 8
“He has always had trouble making good platonic friends, though he’s never had trouble finding sexual partners. So because of this, most of his “good friends” happen to have some sexual history in his life.”
Anyone other than me having a little trouble with this sentence? I mean while I’m nobody to judge a man for his sexuality (I actively support gay/lesbian rights) I’m finding it a little too odd that a well-adjusted adult cannot connect to other people in an asexual manner. You can say that the OP hasn’t asked any opinion on this so maybe it is not my place to comment, but I couldn’t help but wonder whether her SO has a disorder of some kind or maybe he is making things look that way in order to make the her feel insecure and jealous?
OP, while I usually recommend women to take their men at face value, I think your SO is subtly manipulating you. This is because, in my humble opinion, you are portraying the women as some kind of hormone charged predators and your man as a prized possession. Is he really so desirable or is he giving you this idea so that you remain in a state of perpetual anxiety/insecurity over him? I don’t know, your post really disturbed me for some reason and I found this situation to be a little unhealthy. I hope to God that I’m wrong and being overly paranoid.
Post # 9
He does sound very immature. too immature for marriage. My FH has a TON of people he regards as friends that he talks and sends texts to. I have relatively few people that I can do the same with. Doesn’t bother me in the least. It’s not a freaking contest!
Post # 10
i don’t agree with the double standard, a bit too controlling for me.
he does seem a bit insecure overall. not only being jealous of the number of friends you have over him but having to now include past sexual partners as friends (probably just for the support). he can’t make new friends???
can he not join a club or gym where he can meet more people? join groups as a couple so that the two of you can meet other couples. maybe that will be easier for him.
Post # 11
@AnchorSails: I do trust him as he has never given me reason not to, but I don’t trust all of the women he talks to.
Truthfully, I didn’t read the rest of your post because of this one line. “I trust X but I don’t trust the people they talk to” is essentially saying you don’t trust him to put somebody in their place if they attempted anything. That is not trusting him, and that is making me see anything you said previously in a different light.
Post # 12
Because he previously asked you to cut ties with anyone you’ve had sex with in the past, you have the grounds or right to ask him to do the same, regardless of his “lacking friends” situation.
I would definitely ask him to stop contacting them. Make it clear you don’t aim to control him or dictate his social life. Let him know that even if he’s introverted there are ways to make new friends. Wanting as many friends as you is no reason or excuse for being a hypocrite.
Has he met your girlfriends significant others? Can you take him to a social event and go around and introduce him to people? You could even take up a hobby together that encourages the both of you to make new friends at the same time, mutual or otherwise.
Post # 13
Thank you all for your responses. It’s nice to get input from an outsiders perspective and it’s given me some stuff to think about.
I don’t think he is doing this to purposely hurt me, I think he just genuinely has trouble with making friends and sees reconnecting with these people as a quick way to get a few people to talk to so he doesn’t feel lonely when I’m spending time with my friends.
@canarydiamond: It can be challenging. I trust him, but it is hard to find out such things as him having flings with two of the groomsmen he’s chosen. It never made me insecure before, but now that he has been attempting to bring back all of these people into his life, it’s just made me a bit resentful.
@drummerbride: “This seems likea very passive aggressive move on his part, he knows exes are out of bounds and he wants you to associate with your friends less so he doesn’t feel so alone.”
I don’t know if this is his main reason for doing what he’s doing, but I sure hope not. It’s quite plausable though. He really never seemed interested in talking to these people until my best friend came back into my life and I began spending time with her. Perhaps this is his way of dealing with the jealousy of me having another best friend besides him?
@trueblue14: Thank you! I agree. It’s not a contest. I would rather spend time with him any day and he knows it.
@Aquababes: Thank you for your comments. Definitely some things to think about. It is just so strange because I have never known him to act this way. He is 26 and I am 24, we dated all throughout college and got engaged a couple months ago. He seems to have become more insecure after the engagement; I had never known him to be insecure prior to it.
I am trying to give him and these people the benefit of the doubt. If anything fishy comes up I will most definitely ask him to cut ties. I just feel like he could be setting himself up for a bad situation, maybe not intentionally but hey, **** happens.
Thank you all for your comments. It helped me to see what other people thought about the situation before I decide how to approach him about it.
Post # 14
I think he needs to get out more. Join a club or a sports team. Play a mmo and make friends on there. Anything. That’s just….said….
Post # 15
Glad to help and really hope the two of you will work things out!