(Closed) Rekindling his past

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

. I am friendly and have different people and circles I talk to and move around in. However that being said my Fi is a huge people person.  His guestlist of friends is way larger then mine.

To be honest your Fi seems to be manipulative and controlling. I have red flagging people, but I find that to be something you guys need to have major discussions over.

My Fi has a few friends who are exes whom he kept in touch with before I ever entered in the pictures. I think if I asked him to get rid of these friends it would be controlling and disrespectful. I would have a fit and most likly would breakup with him if he decided he wanted to “rekindle” with any exes who is no longer friends with. 

It’s hard making new friends as an adult f your Fi wants new friends there are plenty of things she do like join a recreational sports team, or an activity that he enjoys and can meet new people at. Look online like at Meetup.com to meet other people.

I feel like this is not ok, and you aren’t being controlling.

 

Post # 4
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

Have you talked to him about this?  I totally agree with you that this is hypocritical of him as you have already cut out similar people in your life, and it will only open up problems, not to mention it is already making you feel resentful.  Have you told him these points??

Post # 5
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@AnchorSails:  Honestly he sounds extremely immature to me. And it must be hard to worry about both men AND women having a sexual history with him. Yikes. I would hate that.

I agree he is being a hypocrite, but when it comes down to it, do you trust him? Why does this make you feel insecure? Is he just texting/Facebooking them, or is he meeting up with them?

It sounds like he isn’t trying to hide this from you so maybe you’re just uncomfortable because of the past. If the past is in the past then maybe it’ll stay buried?

I am not trying to trivialize your feelings or anything… I think this would make me uncomfortable too, but if you don’t think that there’s anything going on (and it’s unlikely he’s secretly hooking up with all these people) then maybe it’s best not to fight this battle. At least he isn’t complaining that he’s jealous you have more friends or something (weird).

Post # 6
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

The double standard is not ok. Either you are both freely allowed to communicate and associate with whomever you please, exes included, or you both can’t. If he will not be ok with you reconnecting with exes, then you should speak up and not at all feel guilty about it. 

Making new friends gets more difficult as life goes on, but he needs to respect your agreed upon boundaries. This seems likea very passive aggressive move on his part, he knows exes are out of bounds and he wants you to associate with your friends less so he doesn’t feel so alone.

Post # 7
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Not ok. I agree this sounds really immature. I am friends with exes and my DH would be if they weren’t all a bit nuts, but I think friending exes he wasn’t previously maintaining a friendship with is just weird. Just so he can have people to text with as much as you? At the very least you should point out the hypocrisy and be able to veto the one girl who was “obsessed with” him.

Post # 8
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

“He has always had trouble making good platonic friends, though he’s never had trouble finding sexual partners. So because of this, most of his “good friends” happen to have some sexual history in his life.”

Anyone other than me having a little trouble with this sentence? I mean while I’m nobody to judge a man for his sexuality (I actively support gay/lesbian rights) I’m finding it a little too odd that a well-adjusted adult cannot connect to other people in an asexual manner. You can say that the OP hasn’t asked any opinion on this so maybe it is not my place to comment, but I couldn’t help but wonder whether her SO has a disorder of some kind or maybe he is making things look that way in order to make the her feel insecure and jealous?

OP, while I usually recommend women to take their men at face value, I think your SO is subtly manipulating you. This is because, in my humble opinion, you are portraying the women as some kind of hormone charged predators and your man as a prized possession. Is he really so desirable or is he giving you this idea so that you remain in a state of perpetual anxiety/insecurity over him? I don’t know, your post really disturbed me for some reason and I found this situation to be a little unhealthy. I hope to God that I’m wrong and being overly paranoid. 


Post # 9
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

He does sound very immature. too immature for marriage. My FH has a TON of people he regards as friends that he talks and sends texts to. I have relatively few people that I can do the same with. Doesn’t bother me in the least. It’s not a freaking contest!

Post # 10
Member
11273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i don’t agree with the double standard, a bit too controlling for me.

he does seem a bit insecure overall.  not only being jealous of the number of friends you have over him but having to now include past sexual partners as friends (probably just for the support).  he can’t make new friends???

can he not join a club or gym where he can meet more people?  join groups as a couple so that the two of you can meet other couples.  maybe that will be easier for him.

Post # 11
Member
9061 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@AnchorSails:   I do trust him as he has never given me reason not to, but I don’t trust all of the women he talks to.


Truthfully, I didn’t read the rest of your post because of this one line. “I trust X but I don’t trust the people they talk to” is essentially saying you don’t trust him to put somebody in their place if they attempted anything. That is not trusting him, and that is making me see anything you said previously in a different light.

Post # 12
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Because he previously asked you to cut ties with anyone you’ve had sex with in the past, you have the grounds or right to ask him to do the same, regardless of his “lacking friends” situation. 

I would definitely ask him to stop contacting them. Make it clear you don’t aim to control him or dictate his social life. Let him know that even if he’s introverted there are ways to make new friends. Wanting as many friends as you is no reason or excuse for being a hypocrite. 

Has he met your girlfriends significant others? Can you take him to a social event and go around and introduce him to people? You could even take up a hobby together that encourages the both of you to make new friends at the same time, mutual or otherwise. 

Post # 14
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think he needs to get out more. Join a club or a sports team. Play a mmo and make friends on there. Anything. That’s just….said….

Post # 15
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

Glad to help and really hope the two of you will work things out!

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