Relationship Advice

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

End it. 

The two of you aren’t compatible on several levels, and that means that making a life together will be incredibly difficult, because neither of you will ever be satisfied. 

The two of you may really want to make this work, but I highly doubt it is possible — not without each of you making compromises that will leave both of you feeling frustrated, which will probably lead to a break-up or divorce later on, when you’re lives might be more difficult to separate.

I think ending it is the best thing to do. Both of you have suitable mates out there waiting for you — go find them. 

Post # 3
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I broke up with FI for one month. It was during the same sort of circumstances that you are facing. We had also been together for a year and moved in right away. It was during that brief time apart that I realized he was really it for me. He was the one. That was 7 years ago.

I do have to say that we weren’t fighting and were never at the point where we decided we would need to split ways if things didn’t improve. Overall, our relationship has been very easy and sure and peaceful.

Post # 5
Member
39 posts
Newbee

It’s  definitely is a compromise moving in with someone. You both are two different people adapting to each others lifestyles I was in this situation at one point…I ended up moving out and eventually with us BOTH maturing we tried it again.. It is defintely nOT easy learning the habits of another person and especially only knowing each other for a year…but just sit down and have an adult convo over some dinner and talk it out..

Post # 6
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 

xpretyNpinkStarx: I mean that I broke up with him out of the blue. He wasn’t unhappy, and I didn’t communicate how I was feeling. We have arguments, but we’ve never had a screaming match. I guess I’m trying to say that it shouldn’t be that hard while dating, but that it is possible to get past a breakup (or thinking about breaking up in your case.) I think both of us were careful not to take the other for granted after the breakup, but it wasn’t a huge process we had to work through.

Basically, you have to decide what your dealbreakers are. If you can’t live with the low sex drive issue, for example, then I would suggest you split up. 

Post # 7
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 

Annallen: also this! You learn a lot about a person when you live with them. Compromises and adjusting definitely have to take place. Only you can decide what you can live with. 

Post # 8
Member
39 posts
Newbee

Yea that’s true..hey I say if both are willing to work it out then try..hey u have all kinds of things nowadays that will get him excited..try to be creative!

Post # 9
Member
4029 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

xpretyNpinkStarx:  It seems that you guys moved really quickly and it may just not be working out. I would suggest taking time apart and seeing how you do individually at this stage. DH and I didn’t move in together until about 14 months into our relationship. Moving in takes patience and compromise, but it does sound like you’ve had continuous issues the entire time you’ve lived together. We sorted any issues out (which weren’t so much issues as just the normal challenges that come when two people move in together-cleaning, cooking, bill paying, etc.). We argue from time to time, but have never had a screaming match with one another. We have our moments and have gone through rough patches, but we have worked on how to talk with each other about our issues and move past them. We’ve been together for over 5 years (married 6 months) and never felt we needed time apart to see if things were right between us. Again, maybe take some time apart and see what that’s like-does it make you realize you want to work through the issues or does it make you realize he’s not the guy for you. 

Post # 10
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t have any real idea if you guys are compatable.  The issue could be that you moved in to quickly and didn’t know what each other needed or that it will never work.  I would suggest as much time apart as possible (since you guys are livin together).  If it is still continuing then try a separation.  Just please please (I have seen this to much) don’t beat a dead horse after you know it’s done.  I know to many people that ‘want to work it out’ but end up miserable for years.

Post # 11
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

If you two already have it in your minds that it’s best to go your separate ways if things continue down the path they are, chances are neither of you really have the heart to save it. Can I ask what made you move in together so quickly? 

Post # 13
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I struggled when my FI and I first moved in. We definitely have different views on certain things, and we had some hiccups in the bedroom due to medication and assumptions. But we talked things through (we also yelled things through a few times) and have each adjusted our expectations and learned not to make assumptions. 

I feel strongly that when there’s a will, and a willingness to compromise and grow, there’s a way. But that was my experience. If one or both of you isn’t willing to compromise, it may not work.

Post # 14
Member
4901 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

What if you lived separately & dated for awhile?  You kind of skipped that stage, which serves its own purpose as well as being fun & romantic.

Sexual problems are often very amenable to therapy.

This doesn’t have to be all or nothing.  The first time dh & I were engaged, I couldn’t handle living with anyone.  I wanted my own space.  We never broke up, I just got my own place.  He never gave up.  It took years in my case, but eventually, I was ready & we’re very happy.

Post # 15
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

xpretyNpinkStarx:  whoah, that IS super early to move in. (FYI I moved in after 6 months, but we’re in our 30s, knew we would be together forever, etc). And I absolutely believe that’s the culprit, you guys robbed yourself of a courtship!

I remember feeling excited getting picked up for dates, and that rush when I came home from a fabulous one…. Those little things matter when building a relationship! 

But more seriously, that beginners dating time is soooo crucial to feeling out each other’s compatability without the day to day grind of living together. Sometimes FI drives me so nuts I couldn’t have enough space if I lived on the moon.  That’s normal. But even when I’m at the end of my rope, I never get to the point where I want to end it because I love him, we’re partners, and we took the time to feel each other out before we shared the mailbox and the bedroom.

In my opinion (based on a few failed relationships I’ve had) when you start throwing out threats to leave, it pretty much means someone has their foot out the door already and there isn’t going back from that. 

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