- 4 months ago
This is a long winded back story haha so don’t worry about reading it all. If you have advice on forgivness that you would be willing to share I would be very grateful for you to put it in the comments or message me. The backstory is more of a vent for me.
For reference we are both early to mid 20s, so still rather young but getting ready to be ready for serious realtionships.
I’ve been seeing this guy, Lyell, for over a year now. We have only recently become exclusive (not boyfriend/girlfriend level yet) within the last two months. We first started seeing each other a few months after he had broken up with his girlfriend of a year and a half. Before that he had been in a relationship with another girl for five years. So I figured he was a pretty monogamus guy and trusted him when we hooked up the first night.
We casually would hang out after that for a while then started picking up more dates or hangouts. He would host parties at his house and he would invite a bunch of people that we were friends with. I noticed that these two girls were really flirtatious with him but didn’t think he was acting on it at all at first. After a few weeks I started to notice that he was inviting the one girl to everything and hanging out with her more. She would make a big deal out it when he would send her messages or snapchats in front of me and side eye me when she was doing this. Obviously this felt childish to me but it still stuck with me so when he held his next party I confronted her, not in the aggressive way but more in a sit down and talk kind of way. She told me that they were talking and I told her that we were going on dates and had hooked up a few times. She was pretty cool about it but then started saying how he was also talking to two of her roommates and then I also noted how I had seen a girls sweater in his room. So in our drunk gossip we figured he was playing us.
She left the party, I had left my stuff in Lyell’s room so I went up and grabbed it and made a comment about how he should fess up because we all already knew he was playing us. Which looking back was pretty dumb. He hadn’t agreed to be exclusive with me and he later told me that he had never even hung out with the other girl at all. The other girls were all just produced from roommate issues the other girl had and myself jumping to conclusions with the sweater after hearing her gossip. So the event was hurtful in the sense that after we had already been going out on dates and hooking up (not sex because I stated I didn’t want to unless there was some sort of commitment) and he started looking to date around again without saying anything to me. He reassured me that he wanted to keep seeing me so I stuck with it.
We went out on more dates and we had a discussion where he let me know that he didn’t want to be exclusive for a while because he wanted to explore different types of people. Apparantely I have similar qualities to the other two girls he dated in the past. He wanted to not do anything sexual until he decided what he wanted to do. I was a little hurt by this again and we argued a bit about it but we continued on in this fashion for a few months.
There was a point where we started going out on dates very regularly and got very comfortable with each other and he initiated sex with me. It was not good, same as most first times. I had also had a very bad sexual experience my freshman year of college and hadn’t had a healthy one since so I was very nervous and was also insecure. He left immediatley after and I felt as if something very numbing had happend. We didn’t talk for a few days. I went out with a friend and got very drunk one of the nights and stopped by his place to pee on the way home (his place was on the way and it was an emergency). As I was leaving I asked him about what we had agreed on prior, that if we had a sexual experience that it would have meant that he knew what he wanted. He told me that he still didn’t know and I left crying. This was the second most hurtful issue we had, had. I felt very used especially since that had been what I had hoped to be a milestone in my work towards a healthy sexuality again. I asked him to come over soon two days after and I let him know that I felt very upset over what had happened and that I would not allow it to happen again. We also talked about how he treated me in front of our friend. To put it short, our entire friend group knew that we were seeing each other and he would go nearly out of his way for a while to put me down in front of friends or to stay as far away from me as possible. He apologized for both and agreed that the incident wouldn’t happen again. We agreed to keep seeing each other still non exclusively. During this time was especially difficult for him. His ex-girlfriend, the emotionally dependent one, had attempted to kill herself. She was in a coma for a few days and reached out to him after to seek friendship again. He said this didn’t bother him but I knew it was.
We ended up not going out on dates as much afterwards, I had a lot of work and he was staying at a different place. When he came back to college and I had a break from work we went out to a party, everything went well. He walked me home and I kissed him, something we had done before quite often; but he seemed incredibly uncomfortable. I ignored it and the next night we went out to a friends party and I asked him to walk me home which he said yes to but then when we went to left and our friends came out to leave as well, my one friend asked who was walking me home. He nearly darted away, all of our friends noticed and it was very humiliating. One of his friends ended up walking me home. I texted him and asked him what the issue was and then he responded twelve hours later saying how it felt like too much of a relationship and he just wanted to date around and see other people and hook up with other people. I was very upset by this because by this point we had been dating for nearly 8 or 9 months. We argued and then he brought up that he wanted to still have sex with me. I reminded him that I was only comfortable with that with some level of commitment, didn’t have to be boyfriend/girlfriend, just something. He refused but still went on saying that he still wanted to hook up. I told him that wasn’t going to happen and told him I needed time away from him before we could be friends again (something that he was very insistant on).
Since we had the same friend groups we would still be at the same parties and now he would go out of his way to try and get my attention or get me to interact with him. I was annoyed with him still and we continued to argue through text about being friends. He would text me almost everyday, or everyother day to initiate conversation so eventually we got back into old habits. We weren’t dating but we were texting. Somewhere along the line I decided that I wanted to hookup with people. I was talking to three guys at the same time (all of them knew the situation.) I told Lyell that I was alright with hooking up and we started seeing each other more. The one guy I dropped quickly after an aggressive side came out and the other I decided to let go of after he started getting interested in a relationship. I didn’t want to lead him on or let him grow more attached when I knew I didn’t want a relationship with him. Lyell and I started going on dates, a decision he made, and after a while he agreed to be exclusive after I told him I felt insecure about not being exclusive.
Now the issue is, is that I am having trouble letting go of our history. I lost a lot of respect for myself when I caved into hooking up because I felt like it wasn’t really something I wanted to do. It was moreso something I was hoping would fix the situation. We get into mini-arguments about old things and I get sensitive when we talk about the hookup culture which resulted in myself getting very upset today at him and needing to take time away from him, not like a break up, but like he didn’t want to leave me alone when he saw I got annoyed.
I know that I threw only the bad end of the relationship and obviously this is completely one sided right now. He is despite what I described in here and actually nice and wonderful person. He’s extremley funny and smart and I genuinley feel as though our personalities compliment each other. We can keep a good conversation going and enjoy each other’s company. My fear is that I wont be able to let our history go so that we can move on.
If you have any suggestions about how to handle forgivness, I would love to hear all the methods you know.