(Closed) Relationship Advice from the Bees, please….

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

question: Do you guys live together?

Post # 4
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

yeah, asking him to communicate with you about his whereabouts is not the same as asking permission so i don’t get why he can’t just let you know. you just wanna know where he is. maybe i’m wrong, but my SO tells me where he’s going and we’re in an LDR!!

Post # 5
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

What is it about his going to the bar without telling you that bothers you so much?  I think figuring that out will help you communicate to him why you need him to tell you.

Post # 6
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

I definitely want to know if I shouldn’t expect FI home after work, especially if it’s because he’s going to a bar. It’s not asking permission, it’s being courteous and kind to your other half so they don’t worry about where he is, or you know to keep yourself available in case he needs you to pick him up because he doesnt want to drive home after drinking. The fact that some “flirting” has happened in the past might make me have some trust issues with him too. 

My advice is just to keep that conversation going, telling him that any time he doesnt let you know that hes going out after work makes you upset and he needs to stop it. Or you may need to do a couple sessions of counseling together just to learn how to communicate better as a couple. you two are a TEAM and he needs to understand that.

Post # 8
Member
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@lovemoore:  Since you live together, it’s not unreasonable at all.  Otherwise you might worry about where he is, etc etc.  I would just try to make it clear that you love him and want to make sure he’s ok when he doesn’t come home, so a quick heads up text will prevent it from becoming an issue.  I think you’re 100% in the right here so I hope he can figure that out too.

Post # 10
Member
2282 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’ve always been torn about asking a man to tell me his whereabouts, or his plans, since it did seem like I was keeping tabs on him. At the same time, I consider it disrespectful to the relationship to be MIA. I always felt like: why does it make anyone feel more free to leave me in the dark? Is it asking so much to say, “Hey, I’ll be home later, going to the bar, don’t wait up?”

I don’t know what to advise here. But I’ll say this, I found a man who made all those struggles disappear. My husband has always, from the beginning of our relationship, been totally open and forthcoming about where he is, where he’s going, where he’s been, who he’s on the phone with, who he’s had a text from, etc. I don’t ask. I never needed to. He volunteers all of this information, because he likes to tell me about his day and what he’s doing. And he doesn’t feel whipped or controlled or anything. He would be upset if I ever wondered why he wasn’t home yet, so he tells me where he is to avoid that. And he doesn’t seem to need privacy from me. 

So, it’s possible. I think it’s rare, and I’m lucky as all get out, but it is possible.

 

 

Post # 13
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I don’t think it’s asking too much for him to communicate his whereabouts.

Also, I do understand a grown man feeling like he doesn’t need permission.

However, asking permission and being courteous enough to let you know his whereabouts are two completely different things…which he may not be able to differentiate or he just views them as one and the same.

Some couples don’t need each other’s whereabouts, some do.  It seems that you both are not on the same page with this.  Regardless of your reasons, he may never be okay with telling you his whereabouts because to him, it may be deemed unecessary.  Are you okay with that?

Does he regularly tell you all other whereabouts except the bar? Or he never tells you any whereabouts ever?

Post # 14
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

All you can do is make it clear and state your reasons. I am a worry wart. If FI does not come home on time or is out late i instantly start thinking he has been in a car accident or something (i know, i’m seeing someone about my anxiety, i’m a lil crazy). He knows he is to tell me or i will worry. And also if he is coming home after work i want to know when to have dinner done or if i need to make him any.  Its NOT that i dont trust him, its that i worry and i cook lol. 

Honestly just tell him when he doesnt just give you a simple 1 line text you worry. all you need is a 1 line text and you can go about your business and its not a big deal. Just be honest. and dont bring up the thing about that other girl because if you TRUST him that shouldn’t matter. 

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