(Closed) Relationship Advice. Please.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Write letters to each other. I get the same way when we fight. We say things we shouldn’t and that we don’t mean and it doesn’t come out right and we instantly have regrets, but it’s too late. With a letter you can really verbalize what you mean in a calm manner. It’s worth a shot. Then you two can sit down and calmly discuss what you both wrote.

Post # 4
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

yikes, it’s been a rough couple of weeks then.  There seem to be communication issues on both sides.  You saying “why don’t you go be with her then” was completely uncalled for.  Him dangling the “rined” proposal in front of you, also not ok.  Him not getting you anything for Christmas seems a bit petty.  You going out of your way to start a fight last night is very passive-aggressive.  if you have an issue with him, address it instead of beating around the bush.  clearly something is bothering you but instead of discussing it with him, you lashed out.  you’re pushing him away and he’s lashing back at you.


give both of yourselves time to cool off and have a good long talk about what is bothering you, how to work on it, and where to go from there

Post # 5
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MissHornet:  My SO and I have written numerous letters over the years. It’s an easy way for us to get everything we are thinking out without interruptions. It helps a lot, in my opinion.

@anon333:  Fights happen. I’d be concerned if you and your SO never fought. We are women and never like to hear our SO compliment other women. Just last night I was talking to my FI about the fact he calls other women “honey.” That’s also what he calls me. Sure, he also says sweetie and baby, but the thought of him calling other women “honey” bothers me, even though I know nothing is meant by it. We talked it out, he knows how I feel and we move on. Communication is key. Let him know why you were upset, admit any fault you may have and try and move on : )

Post # 6
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

You poor thing….the holidays are hard, that’s something they never show on those super corny jewelry commercials they run at Christmas…it’s hard to be part of a two party unit and survive the holidays, really.

All of the issues aside, your insecurity, his punitive actions both of your tendencies to speak and act before thinking…all of that can be corrected…if you can talk to each other.  There’s no such thing and true, you take half and I’ll take half equality in a marriage…you give because he needs it right then and you KNOW when you need something, he’s going to give back…it’s a BIG leap to trust people that way….and it’s never perfect, we make mistakes, we fail each other, it hurts….but if someone’s going to hurt me, it’s going to be Mr. 99 and no one else.

This is weird, but, Mr. 99 and I always get to the poop of a problem, when I’m driving somewhere without him and we’re talking on the phone…I don’t know why, for one thing, driving calms me down and I am truly in my element in my little car, secondly, I can’t see all of the shitty faces he makes, so I can’t get mad at him…it’s a non-confrontational way, to confront a problem and TALK about the problem at hand.

Either way, I hope it works out.

Post # 8
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@anon333:  That’s great you guys are going out to dinner; good chance to talk. Good luck and I hope it goes well. Just be honest with him. He should appreciate that.

 

//

Post # 9
Member
598 posts
Busy bee

@anon333:  I think the best thing to do would be to actually sit down with him and discuss what it is he does/says that makes you upset and angry. If him saying how beautiful/pretty other women look aggravates you than he should understand that and he SHOULD NOT be saying things like. You are not acting like a crazy/jealous person by getting bent out of shape when your SO comments how “beautiful” other women look. WTF? Why would he even think that let alone say it in front of you. Very odd.

If you want to work through your relationship I will tell you right now that you should make it VERY CLEAR what boundaries you lay down such as him NOT COMMENTING ON/FLIRTING with other women. If he can’t RESPECT that one small thing than your relationship will not really work out as you may like, because if he continues doing things that upset you, you will continue to get upset obviousy which will result in a massive fight each and every time. He needs to learn to STOP. You don’t comment on how hot another guy looks in front of him, and if you did I’m sure he’d be less than thrilled.

Bottom line, set boundaries on what you both don’t feel comfortable with the other one doing/saying/acting.

Post # 10
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Aw I’m so sorry you’re going through this!! My advice is, you both need to acknowledge your responsibility in the problems. You both need to be committed to working on them. He is making comments about other women and it upsets you. Yet he continues. You are hurt and insulted by this, and feel that he should respect your feelings on the situation. You get upset, and say things that only escalate the situation. SO. He needs to understand that what he is doing is hurtful and, whether he thinks it “should” hurt you or not, respect you enough to stop. You also need to take responsibility for your part in the situation/fight, and learn to bring up and discuss issues productively.

Once you’ve established that you both want to work on the issues, I would start by sitting down and having a clear conversation. Start by telling him exactly what YOU take responsibility for and your mistakes and how you’ll work on them. Then you can do so by explaining to him clearly and calmly what actions make you upset, how they make you feel, and that he needs to respect your feelings. From there, you can work on a solution (i.e. he will not make such comments, and if he does something that hurts you then you will bring it to his attention at a time when you can be calm and have a productive conversation rather than provoking an argument).

I hope this helps somewhat. Good luck!!

Post # 11
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@anon333:  Look…the two of you showed your asses last night…and if we’re being honest about it, it was about damn time…because if you two want to be together for the rest of your lives, it’s only fair that the other person knows EXACTLY what they’re getting.

No one is perfect, I am a flighty, impulsive and slightly manipulative person who abhors feelilng obligated or tied down…Mr. 99 is an emotionally challenged, stubborn, selfish man with anxiety issues and OCD….but we KNOW that about the other person….and in a way, Mr. 99 is the ONLY person who knows just how awful I can be and he still wants me and no one else, and I feel the same way about him,  there’s a very freeing and reassuring element to getting it over with and showing each other your uglies.

When you face each other, with all of your flaws and still say, “Wrap it up, I’ll take it…”  well, that’s how you know, your with the right one.

Post # 13
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Such a tough spot to be in! It’s not okay for him to talk about other women the way he does and he needs to understand that and respect your feelings about it. But you also need to take a step back and let him breathe. It seems like you may have some serious insecurity issues going on. I used to start fights all the time because I needed to get it out and getting pissed off was always a stress reliever for me, no idea why.

I finally realized how insane that was and found an outlet. I use music to calm me down. I sit in my car, put in the head phones or go to my room and listen to some music. I also second the letter idea, I think it’s a great tool to use to work on problems. When you sit down and write a letter to the person you love you actually think before ‘speaking’ instead of just word vomitting all over the place. Also, when you read the letter from your SO you don’t take things so personally because you aren’t acting quickly. I seem to take things better when I have time to process it.

Good luck, everything will work out for you. It’s nothing that can’t be worked on and fixed.

Post # 16
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

To me it sounds like both of you need to change.

You have EVERY right to be upset with him commenting on other womens beauty, especially to you. That’s not right. And for him to dangle the engagement over you head seems like he’s doing so to keep you where he wants you.

On the other hand it does seem like, with you picking fights and being snarky to his comment, that you instigate and it gives him reason to be unhappy.

If I were in your shoes I would sit down with him and tell him “I know you don’t see a problem with it but I feel very uncomfortable and upset when you comment about other womens appearance. I think it’s disrespectful and the flirting makes me very uncomfortable and gives me a reason to be jealous” he may not see it the way you do but when you love someone and you are trying to make them happy you will do things to make sure you are not making them UNhappy, especially something as small as flirting and checking out other women around you.

I’d also apologize for getting so worked up and jealous and would work on that with myself. Apologizing but also expressing your feelings seems to really work.

My fiance and I were in this issue about a year ago. We are in a small town and girls he used to date always seemed to be around grabbing him and hugging him and talking about their past to their friends right there in front of me.

At first I would start an argument, and it would get nasty. But after a while I talked to him about it and things have gotten MUCH better. He ignores the ex’s who act that way and when they try to hug all over him he steps away. He also introduces me first to them as quickly as possible as his fiance and it helps.

But I had to work on myself, my jealousy and my anger. I snapped so quickly and it wasn’t healthy for a relationship. Things have gotten much better since we have both changed for eachother

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