Relationship Advise – Help!!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m very sorry to hear you are going through a hard time in your marriage. I have never been married so unfortunately I don’t have much advice. I think maybe a good marriage counselor may be able to help in this situation.

Post # 3
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Nikkimcq:  So sorry you are going through this. But it sounds like your DH has gotten used to you bending to his will. Whatever he wants, he gets. Yes, you communicate with him but there are no consequeences. You taught him that he could do whatever he wants and you would stay. You had all these problems before you got married and you still married him. Why should he change now?

You can ask if he is willing to go to counseling, but I doubt he will. My advice to you is go to individual counseling. You need to figure out why you stayed with a guy who has such little respect for you needs and feelings. Then you have to decide, can you stay if nothing ever changes?

PS- Please do not have children with this man right now. A child will not make things better or solve your problems. In fact it will make it worse. I have a friend who married a very selfish man. Guess what happened after they had a child–nothing, he is just as selfish (and disrespectful), but now he is teaching his child that it is okay to be disrespectful to the Mom (my friend). 

Post # 5
Member
1511 posts
Bumble bee

Nikkimcq:  What family issues are you talking to him about? And when you  keep bringing up the same subject, its kinda like nagging. He’s probably tuned you out, and no offense I would too. 

Post # 6
Member
6880 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

You have been married for 4 months and now you’re planning to separate for 3 months? Where did you come up with the 3 month number? 

I’m sorry, but you took wedding vows “for better or for worse” and now you are acting like you aren’t going to work on things. Why did you even marry him? Have you even tried bringing up counseling? If you go in the attitude with “I know he won’t go for it” I think you’ll settle for defeat easily, which seems to be what you are doing.

And I’m sorry, but when someone says “If we don’t have kids this year then we’ll never have any” it doesn’t portray them as being the father of the year or anything. Does he realize that kids last more than 1 year? That they will change his entire life, no matter if you have them within this year or not?

I would not be trying to get pregnant with him…

Post # 8
Member
1511 posts
Bumble bee

Nikkimcq:  I don’t nag. Its the quickest way to make a man tune out. It acomplishes nothing but frustration and deaf ears.

Did you ask him about counseling? My mother says never make decisions for other people. You owe it to me to atleast ask or offer it up.

If not having kids is a deal breaker for you then you wasted a lot of money on a wedding. Sorry to say that these things happen. And I know a lot of people who were for and now are against when push comes to shove. Is it right? No. Nor is it right forcing a person who doesnt want kids to have them.

Post # 10
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee

It was difficult to understand your post in the way it was written.  But from what I gather, if you are talking to your family and friends so openly about your marriage problems, then of course they will side with you and it’s not a surprise your DH now boycotts all family get togethers.  No man wants to be in a room full of people who disapprove of him and will be critical of what he does/doesn’t do for you in front of them.  Even if they don’t say anything to his face, the negative energy/vibe would still be there so whether you’re man or woman, who the heck wants to subject themselves to that??!

I do not know the details of your relationship since there was much you did not explain.  But regardless, the overall advice I’d give you would remain the same.  If you truly care about your relationship and want to work things out with your DH, then you need to completely STOP any and all negative talk about him to your family and friends.  The thing is, to you it might have felt appropriate in the moment to vent to people you trust, but after you make-up with your DH and you forgive him, you might’ve moved on from it but your family and friends haven’t.  And if anything, it will be difficult for them to not view him as a bad guy even in the future after you patch things up because they listened to you complain about how badly he mistreats you and after witnessing your pain, they will have a hard time being re-convinced that he’s not a bad guy.  Therefore going forward, this will only damage your marriage since you’ve incited the anger/protectiveness in your family and friends against your DH.

It is very important for your marriage to have the support of your family and friends, and for your loved ones to also love and accept your DH.  I recommend going forward if you have any issues, etc. to get professional help from a therapist with whom you can share all the gritty details in confidence, or a trusted pastor/priest, etc.  But of course this is all moot if at this point you could care less, are done with the marriage, and have absolutely no desire to repair this, then absolutely – blast away about how mean & neglelctful your DH is to you to all your family, friends, and anyone who will listen to you.

Post # 11
Member
1511 posts
Bumble bee

Nikkimcq:  No bringing up issues isnt nagging but it sounds like you are bringing up the same issues over and over again.

Have you sat down and talked to him about when you want to start a family? Or are you just going off of what others have said or overheard? Has he said if it doesnt happen this year its never going to happen?

If you have had that talk with him and he has decided to jump the kid ship then that’s your answer. You can’t be happy without kids so then you need to leave.  But I am still unclear if you have spoken directly to him or not about this issue.

In fact I’m still uncertain as to what “family concerns” are as well.

Post # 13
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Perhaps it would be helpful to talk to him about the communication process itself? Let him know you are not feeling heard by him around topics that are important to you. Ask him if it feels like you are nagging him, and if he says yes ask him to help you brainstorm ways of asking for things that will not feel like nagging. Sometimes just telling someone isn’t enough to be heard. You may need to tell them in a particular way so they are open to hearing you…

Post # 15
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Nikkimcq:  good luck!!! I will keep my fingers crossed for you!

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