- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
Looking to hear from anyone who experiences OCD ….
I don’t have full-blown COMPULSIVE disorder … I don’t wash my hands 500 times a day, I don’t need everything in order. I don’t check the stove five times before I go out. I’m too lazy to do repetitive behaviours.
However, my mind does all that for me. I spend hours obsessing over good things, to the point where it makes me scream and cry. It’s especially bad when I’m in a relationship, and worse the more serious the relationship gets.
Now that I am engaged, I find myself obsessing about every little detail about my fiance. He is an incredible man and I am so lucky to have him, but I’ll fixate non-stop “are we really meant to be together? What if we get married and I get bored?” etc … etc … it’s a vicious loop.
I’ll also find myself fixating on his flaws over and over – which didn’t bother me much when we were first dating – but now they make me jump to the conclusion that we shouldn’t get married!! And it’s driving me nuts … I almost ended it this past Sunday because I completely freaked out about all these little things. The poor guy didn’t know what hit him, but he told me (paraphrasing) “I’m not giving up because of your anxiety and no matter what your brain tells you, we are getting married. I love you and this won’t stop us!”
I did this six years ago with an ex-boyfriend, and I’ve done it with every man I’ve ever dated. I’ve seen ten therapists but either I’m lazy or I’m just the one case that can’t be helped.
Anyone else deal with this? Any coping techniques or suggestions? A shrink is out of the question. I can’t afford it and it won’t help anyway. I can’t take anxiety meds because of other health conditions, and even if I could, I do NOT want to go the medication route.
Unfortunately, I spend a lot of time reading my old diaries, which contain extensive, obsessive notes about all my past relationships. I have a horrible fear the past will repeat itself. I know this can only be making me worse, but I can’t stop.
Am I just lazy? Is that my problem? Or should I just let my brain do its thing and not try to react to it with panic?