Relationship boundaries.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
980 posts
Busy bee

I 100% believe in platonic relationships. One of my best friends is a guy and one of SO’s best friends is a woman. I trust my SO not to cheat on me just as I trust myself not to cheat on him. I also trust my friends not to be jerks and hit on me. My SO and I know that flirting, touching, strip clubs, etc are big no-nos but other than that I’m not going to tell him who he can hang out with, and I would never be with someone who told me who to be friends with.

To be honest, I’d be seriously annoyed at your SO for leaving that poor girl stranded. I don’t feel like there was anything meant by her asking for a lift, she just needed to get out of a bad situation and he left her stranded! I would be really disappointed in my SO if he turned down someone in that situation. Jerk move.

Post # 4
Member
3424 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Ok good for yall for finding something that makes you mutually comfortable but for real man he just left her there…he didn’t even offer to put her in a cab? Yeah sorry u got beat…gotta go

Post # 5
Member
3889 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’d also be disappointed in my SO for not trying to help this woman in her time of need. I trust that he can give a distressed female a ride in his car without turning into Mr Grabby Paws, and I think it’s a bit cold and uncaring for him to just flat-out refuse on the basis of it breaking some kind of boundary. I’m proud of my husband for having fantastic judgment, and for being able to make decisions based on what’s right in a variety of situations.

Post # 6
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@MsW-to-MrsM:  Your relationship boundaries sound crazy to me.

Not giving a friend a ride home after she has just been hit by her partner does not equal gentlemanly in my mind. Obviously it’s different for you, but if FI told me that he didn’t drive an upset friend home because he didn’t want people to “get the wrong idea” I would be angry that he thought that appearances were more important than helping someone.

Our boundaries are, don’t physically cheat or have emotional affairs. 

 

Post # 7
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

With so many posting who believe in platonic friendships and such, it makes me wonder. How do some of you feel about my relationship boundaries? What are your boundaries?

Your boundaries wouldn’t work in my relationship. I am glad y’all found something that works for you, I would just caution that it screams more of insecurity than it does of absolute trust. 

That said, go with your gut. If you both hate strip clubs, great! But not offering a ride home to a woman that is OBVIOUSLY no threat to your relationship is taking it to the extreme IMO.

I agree with fishbone, having great judgment in these situations is what really would stand out to me. DH and I are both on the same page that opposite sex friends are not a threat to our relationship, BUT, if something ever ventured into inappropriate territory– we both have the discernment to know when to nip that quickly.   

Post # 8
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I would also feel uncomfortable if my fiancé just left the poor woman there the way yours did. Sorry. 

The boundaries sound a little nuts to me

Post # 10
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I have to agree with PPs that I would be very disappointed in my FI for not helping that girl. I would understand not giving her a ride home due to not wanting to be part of the drama (it seems like a mutual domestic violence situation since she hit him as well) but he should have called a cab, waited with her AND paid for the cab. Maybe even convinced her to stay at a friend’s house and driven her there.

I digress though since this isn’t what you asked. I’m happy you found something that works for you but I happen to think that at some point your boundaries will become (and are currently, to me) unrealistic. It more important to me that I can trust FI in ANY situation rather than setting unrealistic limits for him (or having him set them for himself) since I can almost guarantee that those limits will be crossed at some point.

Post # 11
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center

I think he should have given her a lift, but it was his own choice. That said, I don’t think your boundaries are ‘crazy.’ It’s just how your relationship is. You don’t sound jealous or crazed, you sound like a normal human being. Don’t let the fact that most of the bees here are FOR platonic relationships bother you. My FI and I don’t have opposite-sex friends either (not because we restrict it but because we don’t have many friends at all due to shyness lol) but that doesn’t mean your boundaries are crazy. Some people just don’t believe in platonic opposite-sex friendships – nothing wrong with it because it’s your belief. No one can tell you what to or what not to believe.

 

Post # 12
Member
6505 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@ms-valentine:  +1

I mean I’m glad it works for you but that would absolutely not work for me. 

I find it rather disconcerting that he did not give her a ride home. If my DH had turned someone like this down I would actually have been angry at him.

I believe that friendships can be platonic. I have plenty of platonic guy friends and DH has some platonic girl friends. 

Post # 13
Member
3889 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

What if the situation were reversed? Imagine your SO is not around (maybe out of town without you). You get some shocking news whilst at work. Perhaps your mom’s been in an accident, not life-threatening but still shocking to you. You’re emotional, obviously. You rush out of your workplace to go be with her, and find your car is broken down. A male co-worker offers you a ride.

i hope you’d take it, but with such black-and-white boundaries, would your SO be out of line to be angry with you for accepting that ride? Or would you decline the easy and obvious solution?

Post # 14
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would be extremely dissapointed in my FI if he didn’t offer that woman a ride home in her time of need. That all sounds crazy to me and your boundaries certainly would not fly in my relationship.

We both believe in platonic relationships as long as it is based off of good judgement. If my FI wants to grab lunch with one of his female friends, so be it. If she wants to have him over to watch a scary movie late at night… that’s a no-no and same goes for me and my guy friends. We trust one another 100%, it’s just how it works. 

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