Post # 1
I have a questiom about opposite sex friends. My friends are mostly male and I do a lot of things with them, but the one thing I feel umcomfortable about is sleeping over their place while I have a boyfriend. I feel it is respectful not to put myself in that situation.
I am in a new relationship so am trying to set down some boundries. My boyfriend has two female best friends and is visiting one. He is staying the night at her place and I feel uncomfortable for a 25 year old man to be spending the night with another girl. It makes me uncomfortable. Period. I told him and he said he was disappointed in me for saying that, and that really hurt my feelings.
Is my reaction normal? Not trying to be controlling, I just feel uncomfortable with two grown adults of the opposite sex sleeping over. He can get a hotel. He has a good career. So why spend the night? He seems to think my worries are irrational and I was trying to tell him that female friendships are treated a little differently once you get into a relationship.
Thoughts? Have you ever had this problem before? How did you deal with it and do you think I am just being insecure?
I have few boundries, and am not trying to be controlling. That is a big thing for me though.
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2013 - Tybee Island, GA
Oh no mam!
lol. visiting is one thing, but spending the night…. uhh i wouldnt be comfortable with at all!
He may have a gf (you) but she may be single and could actually like you boyfriend. I would tell him how i feel and if he cant take your feelings into account, then he obviously dont care. in which case i’d cut him loose, or you could see how he likes you spending the night at your friends houses.
I’d be very uncomfortable and mad! lol
Post # 4
@jubial: I would say what you are asking is not out of line. However, did you guys have this conversation BEFORE his visit, or are you trying to tell him now that he is actually there? Yeah, he can make other arrangements, but he may feel like this is a controlling situation if you are putting stipulations while he’s already there. Seems like this was normal for him, but not for you.
He should respect your wishes (I, personally, would NOT put up with it), but you guys also should have talked about this before he left not while he is there. I would have a conversation with him when he gets back about how it made you feel and going forward, you guys need to come to an agreement. If an agreement can’t be reached, then you need to decide if this is worth letting him go over or if you can handle it.
Post # 5
Oh no, he is going next week so has not left yet! Sorry if that was unclear.
Post # 6
@jubial: I don’t think you are expecting too much. He needs to know it’s not about trust; it’s about respecting your other half. It doesn’t matter if these friends are like family, you treat them like a brother/sister, etc… I do think it is a courtersy you extend to your other half when you are in a commited relationship to not spend a night at an opposite sex’s place. Doesn’t matter if you have your own room, etc.
Post # 7
This is one that’s not a big deal for me. But I’m bisexual and FI has a range of attractions, and if we made the rule that no-one was allowed to spend time alone with friends of the gender to whom we’re attracted, it would be a lot of time spent with the cats, I suppose.
However, that being said, you are totally entitled to your boundaries. If your BF sleeping in this girl’s flat makes you uncomfortable, then he should respect that. However, I would ask what the circumstances are — is he staying in a guest room or crashing in a studio apartment? Do you honestly, realistically think he is attracted to this girl or she to him? Is there a sexual history there? Those questions are more important than blanket prohibitions on interactions with the gender of attraction, I think. But your mileage may vary.
I don’t think you’re being controlling. But I think the both of you need to sit down and calmly find your relationship boundaries together. Otherwise, he will feel like you’re imposing on him, and you won’t feel like you can really trust him to stick to the “rules” you’ve laid down. Hash this one out together, get to the root of your discomfort so that you can articulate it to your BF, and be willing to compromise until you both get to relationship boundaries that are comfortable for both of you and respect the friendships and relationships that predate your romance.
Post # 8
Your reaction is normal, but his viewing of that as over-reaction is also normal. Neither of you is “right” and you have to work together to find some common ground. That’s going to mean compromise on both of your parts. Not just his.
What’s reasonable to you might be unreasonable to another. My fi and I are comfortable with each other sleeping over at the homes of friends of the opposite sex, with the exception of anyone we have a “history” with— really more for the mental images’ sake than anything. It’s not that I assume he’s going to shag his ex girlfriend if he sleeps in her guest room. It’s that I don’t need the mental images of their past haunting me the whole time he’s there. But if it’s one of his many female friends that he’s got no “history” with, I don’t mind him staying there. And he doesn’t mind me staying with my male friends either, with the same boudaries. I trust him and he trusts me.
Obviously that is not going to work for everyone. Just showing that there is no “right’ answer here, and you two will ahve to figure out something that works for both of you.
Post # 9
That sounds like a COMPLETELY reasonable request! I wouldn’t be comfortable with my DH staying alone at some chick’s house, either!
Post # 10
Devil’s advocate: what’s different about spending the night at her house versus a hotel room?
To be clear, I wouldn’t be bothered by this, but that’s something we’ve discussed before and are both ok with.
Ask him how he would feel if you were to stay the night at another guy’a place.
Post # 11
I wouldn’t be okay with this. I trust my DH but it just seems inappropriate.
Post # 12
If its a big thing for you, I think you need to stick to your guns.
I too think its a bit odd that he isn’t considering getting a hotel or motel.
I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable with this situation, especially with a “new” relationship. I think your SO should be more respectful of your concerns, and not just dismiss them with a “I’m disappointed in you” blanket statement.
Post # 13
My reply is below. Sorry, this was an accidental post!
Post # 14
@mistress_anne: But I think the both of you need to sit down and calmly find your relationship boundaries together.
^^This. I don’t think you are wrong or controlling for not wanting him to spend the night at another woman’s house. However, I don’t think it’s fair to say he can or cannot do something without having an actual discussion about it. You might be uncomfortable and he might feel that you don’t trust him or upset that you are preventing him from spending time with his friend.
Personally, this would not bother me. I actually could not be with someone who wasn’t ok with me visiting my OOT male friends (and thus having to spend the night at their place). I also think it’s silly to spend money on a hotel room when you can stay with a friend just because it looks inappropriate. But that’s me and everyone has their different levels of comfort.
Post # 15
@jubial: One of my exes (first relationship) had a best friend who happened to be a girl. Though he always denied it, I suspected that he liked her more than he let on, but that she wasn’t interested. He went to stay with her and was not only going to sleep in the same flat, but in the same bed as he had always done. It didn’t occur to him that I might be uncomfortable with that! I put my foot down and he said ok, no idea what actually happened when he got there!
With DH I wouldn’t have a problem as I trust him 110% and know he would be uncomfortable too. If he went to stay with a friend I’d be more upset that he hadn’t invited me along!
Post # 16
@jubial: I can definitely see where you’re coming from, but I can also see where he’s coming from. I don’t think it’s a matter of one person being wrong or right. Rather, it’s whatever you and he are comfortable with and agree on.
I could see myself being okay with this if the friendship was long-established. I see sleeping on the couch as mainly a way for someone to try to save some money instead of renting a hotel room. It’s common to do that in my friend group, and I’m your boyfriend’s age. Usually the closest friendships tend to be same gender, but I have definitely seen a girl stay at a guy’s apartment or vice versa and the whole thing was completely platonic. The way I’d think about it is: I’m not attracted to my male friends and I’d definitely rebuff their advances, so why wouldn’t it be the same for him?
You might just have different levels of comfort with this issue. I hope that this doesn’t cause problems down the line for you, though, because I have seen relationships implode over the people’s different levels of comfort with opposite gender friendships. It’s definitely something to have a discussion about and come to terms with.
I believe that as people get older, male/female relationships, other than long-time established ones, become less and less commmon/appropriate. I think this definitely happens after people get engaged/married. However, in the situation you describe it sounds like these women have been in your boyfriend’s life for a while and aren’t going anywhere.