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My partner and i have been together for 5 years, lived togther for 4. Despite our ups and downs we have been very happy, but in the last 6 months things have really taken a turn to the worse. We are getting married in 3 weeks and we are thinking about calling the wedding off.
We have been fighting all the time, becoming violent to the extent that i kicked him in bed, he has pushed me, held me down and slapped me across the face, lightly. We have smashed plates, thrown things and we have even brused each other twice now. We did not speak at all over easter and 10 days ago we argued again over something silly and we have not spoken since.
Really don't know what to do. I know it is my fault and he has done things wrong too but when we try to talk calmly we just screem and shout again eventually. We have had big arguments before, when i have pmt, but things have got alot worse.
Please help!
Doesn't sound healthy at all. Not sure marriage is a good idea from the sounds of it.
Sorry, physical abuse can't be blamed on PMS. You can't hang on your hat on that every time.
Physically abusive relationships are no good for either side. God forbid you get married and bring children into the relationship and it continues. Put off the wedding and figure out if you can be together without resorting to physical violence, or get the hell away from each other. A relationship wherein the two of you beat one another is toxic.
@ljm:What is it that is spawning these arguments?
Have you tried couples counseling?
Um, yeah, I'd call it off. Then get help, separately and together. Then figure out if you even want to be in this relationship, let alone marry this person.
All of your choices listed above qualify for domestic abuse IMO.
We don't beat one another. That is the problem. It is not as if we lay in to each other, it is a lot more subtle than that. I don't know if it is abuse?
Either one of you put your hands on each other in anger, it's abuse. Kicking, slapping, bruising- that is abuse.
You and him are abusive to each other. You are both at fault. Do not get married. IF you think this relationship is something you want, delay the wedding indefinately, and go to counseling. If not, go your seperate ways.
And, for you, get your own counseling. Why do you think it is OK to call your loved one a name? To hit them? The frighten them? Where does this stem from?
All kinds of things really. He used to be so calm and last night he smashed all the plates in the kitchen. We have brused each other's arms, but I feel like I was defending myself. I just don't know if it is abuse or just a small problem that we can work through.
Do you still love him? How does he feel?
Every couple has disagreements. Every couple goes through ups and downs. IMO, being violent with one another is not acceptable. That is not a healthy way to deal with frustrations. I can't say whether you should cancel the wedding, but you should reconsider getting married so soon if you are having these issues.
Counseling would be a good option if you are both willing to put a lot of time and effort into the relationship.
Good luck to you! Let us know what you decide
My dad is abusive to my mum, his brother was abusive to him.
Are you all saying that you have been in a relationship with no name calling? No pushing? Come on!
We're not unicorns. This exists. We wouldn't all be telling you it's abnormal and abusive if it wasn't.
What you're describing is a basic lack of respect for each other. This can be fixed, but it will require a change of heart and mind from both of you, not just a change of physical behavior.
I'm curious, why have things gotten worse in the past 6 months? Are you both under a lot of stress for reasons other than the wedding planning?
Screaming, name-calling, hitting, slapping, holding down, any sort of violence in those manners is abuse to me.
We have been together for 5 years and in the last few months, three violent arguments...
I do love him, i want to marry him. I just dont want to marry him and then live in an abusive relationship.
He won't speak to me, for the last ten days.
My PMT is a major problem in our life. It causes all the fights, but until recently I was on the pill, which eased it. Now i am off the pill cos we are supposed to be trying for children soon. I think my PMT has got alot worse.
Are you all saying that you have been in a relationship with no name calling? No pushing? Come on!
That's exactly what we are saying. Just because it is "normal" in your family doesn't make it right. Stealing is normal for some families, some families do drugs. Doesn't make it normal OR right.
My father has told me from the time I was very young, if I was ever in a relationship and he hit me, even ONCE, to LEAVE. Pushing, kicking, slapping, (no matter how "lightly")...also completely unacceptable in my book. You dont' put your hands on a person you love in anger. That's not love.
Please, seek counseling for yourself to learn how to break the cycle of abuse. Is that really what you want to model for your furture children? I am sooo sorry you are going through this, but you can be the one to end it. Whether or not your relationship with this man continues, you both need counseling for yourselves, and if the relationship DOES continue, you should also seek couples counseling.
He goes silent for days when we argue. We have been really busy too, so i have not seen him.
When we are with other people we carry on as if there is no problem, but when we are alone he will ignore me.
@ljm: Never. My husband, and we will have been together 5 years in two weeks, has never threatened me, pushed me, hit me, shoved me, raised his voice to me, called me a name, broken anything out of anger. Nothing. Neither have I.
A few weeks ago he was angry about something and said "Stop being a dork" He didnt say "you are a dork" so technically it wasnt even a name. I told him that is not appropriate and to from now on tell me what it is he doesnt like because "dork" is not descriptive. It doesnt help get to a solution and he agreed.
Learning to fight fairly is a skill and requires practice. in a "fight" its not about who is right or wrong, but about sharing your feelings and why you feel that way. And then coming to an agreement that works for both people. Screaming, yelling, pushing, breaking things does not get you to a solution. It makes it worse.
Now i am off the pill cos we are supposed to be trying for children soon.
For the love of God, or whatever higher being you believe in, PLEASE DO NOT BRING CHILDREN INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP UNTIL THE ABUSE STOPS!
My family did foster care for years...it saddens me to think of another generation of abuse continuing.
I have just read your posts and I can't believe you are all being so negative. I really was not sure before, but now i think we are abusive to each other.
Our relationship is in serious trouble, but i can't accept it.
This is really hard.
If your PMT is so bad that you're physically abusing your fiance then you need to see a doctor and get some HELP. He needs help, too. What you've described is beyond unhealthy and I don't think you should get married. And if you do decide to get married then for the love of god, please get therapy before you have children so you don't completely destroy their childhoods.
This is what you should do.
Call your venue, caterer, florist, everyone and tell them it is cancelled.
Tell your fiance you are not getting married until you are sure that neither of you will act this way again.
Make an appointment with a couples counselor and see them.
Take it one day at a time.
@ljm: Actually yes, I'm in a relationship with no name calling or pushing. Those things are abusive. If any of those things were in my relationship we would be getting counseling or the wedding would be off. I won't be with someone who hits, pushes, holds me down, or calls me names. And really you can't blame this behavior on PMS. That's not an excuse. I'd also think twice about bringing a child into a very unhealthy relationship.
Do you not think calling the wedding off will be throwing the baby out with the bath water?
The fact that you think there are not people in relationships where they do not name call and 'push each other' makes me sad.
People who have healthy relationships DO NOT DO THESE THINGS.
Do not get married, do not bring children into this, and go get some counselling.
So , you have never told your partner to f off in an argument? I find this all hard to believe.
I dont know what to think now. I don't think our relationship is that bad. I thought an abusive relationship was one where people hit eachother, or one person hit the other and broken ribs and things.
I mean everyone's different, but this is so wack-job unhealthy that it's just best for you both to go your own ways. I mean you're seriously wanting to have KIDS?! with this person, but you can't stop fighting and hitting each other? I'm sorry, but past abuse is no excuse for this. I'm in a relationship where we NEVER hit each other, name call, or do anything else to intentionally hurt the other. That's absurd, really, I cant even imagine doing that to him.
How can you possibly consider marrying someone that won't speak to you for 10 days straight?
This is so insane to me that I'm borderline not believing that this is real.
Also, if you look at your poll, every single one has almost the same exact votes. That's because every single one of your options is abuse.
@ljm: How many people need to tell you that any kind of angry physical contact is bad, and not normal?
My FI has never hit me, never left a bruise on me, never called me names, never done any of that.
Please consider councelling, and until you do that, please do not have a child.
Not healthy at all... This should be the easiest and happiest time in your relationship. If you can't make it work now, its going to be a BUMPY road. I'd put it off for now.
@ljm: NEVER, ever, ever.
And if he told me to "eff off" I would. I would be gone.
I cannot believe you are serious with that question.
You have evidently had nothing but dysfunctional relationships to model if you think that any of what you are describing is even close to ok.
@KristenGotMarried: This is so insane to me that I'm borderline not believing that this is real.
Agreed.
If you are asking the question, then you prob already KNOW what you should do.
@ljm: Are you all saying that you have been in a relationship with no name calling? No pushing? Come on!
Actually, i have been in a relationship like that before, and it didnt start out that way. it started out really good and we were really happy and in love. for about for first 7 or 8 months of the 4 years we were together anyway. And at the time, i didn't see it as abusive because it was so subtle and not what you typically consider to be "abuse" as seen in the media or the usual horror stories. but it was abuse nonetheless. my ex and i name called (horrible names sometimes). i can't remember going one weekend without crying and fighting with him. he ripped my clothing one time, pushed me down a couple times, threw my stuff around. all of it at the time, i thought were isolated incidents. but there were other things too. the things we fought about - like i couldn't be friends with any guys or a few times we got into huge screaming matches while driving because i missed an exit or went the wrong way. anyway, after him, i got together with my now husband. it was like night and day. i saw how a relationship is supposed to be and CAN be, and six years later, i stand by the belief my husband and i have NEVER fought! at least not by the definition of fighting that was present constantly in my previous relationship for 4 years. my husband has never raised his voice at me, never called me a name, and god forbid he has EVER done ANYTHING remotely physical. i don't know what my ex is doing now or who he is with, i only hope he found someone he could be different with and respect. me and him were just not good together and brought out the worst in eachother. i would say that you and your FI need some time apart and see what life is like without that unhealthy relationship present on a daily basis.
best of luck whatever you decide and whatever happens.
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