- 5 years ago
Hello lovely bees –
This is going to be long, but I really need advice and hope you can make it to the end.
Background: My SO, let’s call him “D”, and I have been together for 3.5 years. We have been living together for 2.5 years. We have had, what I would imagine, is a fairly normal relationship with ups and downs. We’ve had really great periods, and then not so great periods, but overall a pretty normal relationship of getting to know and live with each other. We started discussing marriage in October 2012 (yay!!). Then the holiday season rolled around. Short story is we went to his company party, got into a pretty big fight after his company party, it lasted for a few days, but then all went back to normal. Christmas morning comes, and he gets me nothing. Zero. Why? He says because he was going to propose, but I screwed it up and he didn’t know what else to get me. Ok. Yep, I’m hurt, but I brush it off (it’s Christmas afterall) and move on. January was great we start talking marriage again (he brings it up) and all is well. Then Valentines comes. Again, nothing. Why? In his words, I “wouldn’t appreciate” whatever he did, so “why bother”. Ummmm…..ok.
On a daily basis our lives are actually pretty good. Yeah, we have minor arguments, but nothing huge. There are things about him that totally drive me up the wall, and I’m sure there are things about me that irritate the hell out of him.
Last night: I come home from work, and he is home. He usually gets home about an hour before I do. He is playing video games which he is doing every night when I come home. He yells across the house “Hey, sweetie” and I reply “Hey”. This is the same routine every night. He will finish his game and we’ll talk for a few minutes about our day, and decide what we’re doing for the evening. All of this happened just like normal last night except our relationship had been on my mind. I guess I’m still pretty bummed about Christmas and Valentines, and I wanted to talk with him about it. So, he finished his game and said “Hey, is everything ok”. He could tell that something was not right. I start off by saying that I’m not trying to attack him, or point fingers, but I feel unsure about where I stand in this relationship and what to talk to him. He immediately got defensive and angry. The whole night went totally downhill after that. A yelling match quickly started, names were called, horrible things were said, etc. Finally, around 10pm I ask if we can just calm down and talk. We talked for a few minutes, I told him how I had been feeling, he was still really angry, and then I went to bed.
This morning: I woke up about 30 minutes early as I had to get gas on my way to work. He was in bed, and I told him I was getting up and getting ready. He said “ok” and fell back asleep. I got ready (about 30 minutes) and then woke him up again to say I was leaving. It is now 8:17am. He says “fine” and goes into the bathroom. Clearly, he is still angry about last night, but I need to get to work. I’m gone about 10 minutes before he starts texting me:
Him: I guess I’m always expected to take care of the dogs even though I’m 30 minutes late for work? Wait, sorry. I’m only 15 minutes late so it’s no big deal.
Me: Hey – no, you’re not expected to. I’m sorry. I have an early meeting.
Him: Yeah, me too. It started at 8:15
Me: Again, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I would have made sure to wake you up when I got up. I am sorry.
Me: I am sorry that I needed you to take care of the dogs, but please stop being angry. I woke you up when I got up at 7:45 and again when I left. It was already past 8:15 then. Again, I’m sorry for the dogs but I didn’t know you needed to be at work so early. Can we please stop with the fighting?
Him: Sure. I’m used to the inconsideration.
Me: Seriously? I wasn’t being inconsiderate, or mean, or spiteful. I did not know! I don’t like the way you’re treating me and it’s not my fault you didn’t get up. You have an alarm clock. You could have said something to me when I woke you up. Please stop texting me if you can’t treat me with some amount of common decency.
Him: Ok! I’ll f*&^g stop texting you!
So, basically bees, I’m looking for advice. I absolutely love this man, and would give my whole world for him, but his anger and temper are driving me insane. I feel like every time we have an argument the “blame” gets put on me and I’m the one who apologizes. I don’t know what to do :/