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Wow. While I don't know the intricacies of your relationship, I kind of cringed a little while reading your post. I mean, it just doesn't sound like he's emotionally 'there'...present. And this is only after dating for 1 1/2 years. You know, I've made some VERY bad choices in my 20s with who I dated and now being 37, I could kick myself for wasting all of that time with those people when I know I would've been happier with just myself.
I would flat out tell him you both need to have a talk about what you both want out of your relationship and where you see it going. And if you come to the realization that you're not, I would seriously think about parting ways.
That he doesn't know if I'm the one he wants all that with and I should be happy with the fact that we live together.
That's a big red flag there. He doesn't know if he wants all that with you? That would freak me out. I know you don't want it now so that's not the issue but you DO want it with him when the time is right. He should be on the same page or be inching towards the same page. I'd be incredibly hurt if a guy I had such feelings for told me the same words.
I agree with bRooklynRocks...he's not sure if you're the one he wants all that with? what?! you've been together a year and a half, you've lived together all this time, and he isn't sure? He sounds like he's old enough to settle down, I mean you said he is set in his career and owns a house etc, so it's not like he's some 20 yr old who wants to live it up and explore his options right?
I hate to say this, and I know not everything is black and white, but if a boyfriend was acting this way towards me I'd probably say "well adios then. call me when you're ready, but I can't guarantee you I'll be available or interested." maybe some time apart can show him what he'd be missing out on.
Ohhh I've been there! Sometimes just staying where you are because its comfortable and the easiest is the nice thing to do. It's wrong. Him being with you because he thinks you should be grateful for the living arrangement is not fair to you or him. That does not sound like a super healthy relationship at this point. I've been in your situation and it sounds like he's trying to get you to break up with him. Ignoring your questions, being evasive, not hinting at a future. That way he has no blame and since you want a future with a husband and family he can get out without hurting you. If you dump him it's your fault. That is the cheap way out.
Find out where he wants to go and what you each have as goals for your relationship. Make a smart healthy choice for you.
I would have a big problem with the fact that he's not sure he wants that with you, but an even bigger one with the part where he tells you you should be happy to be living together...
Why should he get to tell you how to feel? Why should you be happy just living together and not thinking about the future? Because he's so incredibly awesome that every second spent with him is a blessing, so you should consider yourself lucky for what you have and not plan a future with him?
I'm sorry, this just rubs me the wrong way. He is not listening to you, shutting you out and basically enjoying all the bonuses of being married without having to commit. Not fair to you at all.
I say don't necessarily break up with him, but move out. It is very vulnerable for you and a lot of pressure for him to be living together under his roof. If you move out, regain your own life and independence some, and take the relationship back a couple of notches, he'll either start sending you flowers again or not. If he does, you're back on track and where you want to be. If he doesn't, you're in a much better position to move on than you are right now. Just my thoughts....
By the way, I know it sucks. Good luck.
You all have no idea how much everything said means so much to me. I was starting to think I was the crazy one putting all this pressure on him and being too demanding. I've noticed just over the past few days when I've been "distant" and according to him, "not my self", that he's starting to know somethings going on. It amazes me how some guys can let things get this far to finally realize SOMETHING'S WRONG! I have always been a firm believer that the small gertures that never cost you a dime, are the ones that stick in your mind forever.
I'll keep you all updated on how things go.
Is there really a man out there that will genually share and/or understand what's going on within me without taking advantage or placing judgement??
you know, there are great men out there who will love you unconditionally and will actually WANT to marry you and have kids with you - not tell you that you should be happy to be living with him.
A year and a half is enough time to know how you feel about each other and he should be including you in his plans for the future and wanting to do things together with you. If he is refusing, well he himself is giving you the answer.
I think you need to concentrate on yourself and making you happy. Perhaps it is time to start looking at moving out?
All guys hate the words " We need to talk" but you seriously need to talk to him and he needs to listen. Hear what he says, hopefully he sees you in his life in his future and talks about plans for your relationship growing; if not consider moving out and taking things slow. Good Luck. BTW you are not crazy
i agree that you need to talk and figure out if you guys want the same things for your future or not
It sounds like deep down you know the answer. How much of your life are you willing to put on hold waiting for him to change - which may very well not happen. You sound like you have your head together and you know what your goals in life are. Time to cut your losses and move on. There is a great guy out there who wants the same things you do but you won't find him unless you leave your b/f. At the very least, would you consider moving out and taking a break from the realtionship?
It sounds as though you've given him ample time to show you what he wants out of life, and life with you- without pressure of ultimatums or timelines. Even a shy guy would have a time to say he wants kids and a life with you. There's a saying that a woman is ready for a family when she meets the right person, and a guy is ready when he finds the right time. It sounds like he's not ready to include anyone in his future talk, and while I think counseling might be a good forum to bring up some of your issues, it doesn't sound like he's doing much to keep you around. If you go to couseling, there's an unbiased third party to communicate with, and should hopefully get him talking. Until then, I'd work on moving out and learning to thrive on your own again (because every relationship needs some alone time).
That he doesn't know if I'm the one he wants all that with and I should be happy with the fact that we live together.
I agree that that is a HUGE red flag. FI and I moved in together after dating for 2 months. He didn't propose until a year later. I was ready a little sooner and he wasn't. However, he never doubted that I was the one he wanted to marry. He always made that clear. He just wasn't quite ready.
I think it's very telling that he feels you should be happy just living together and that he doesn't know if you're the one he wants everything with. At his age, with all the time you've been living together he should know. Maybe not be ready to be engaged/get married but he should know if you're "the one" or not. If I were you, I would move out and figure out what he really wants while making sure you're taking care of yourself and doing what's best for you.
I also agree that it's a huge red flag. What does he mean when he says that? I think you should ask. Obviously you're together now, but is he looking for someone/something else? If he decides he's met the one, is he just going to swap out girlfriends? It makes it sound like he's trolling for someone new. Maybe he is, maybe he's not, but I would definitely be upset about what he said. I agree with the PP who said to talk to him but also assess how much of your life you're willing to sacrifice. I spent four years with a guy who I thought would change his mind about me being 'the one' and you know what? It was four years of frustration, pain and pointless aggrevation.
You sound like a wonderful girl and you deserve someone who appreciates you and the ground you walk on. Obviously we don't know the day to day details of your relationship, but he is taking you for granted and it is unacceptable for him to suggest you might not be the one while being in a committed relationship together with you! I don't know your age, but I know I wouldn't stand to wait for him to find out some years later that you aren't the one. After 1.5 years I assume you're invested in this relationship and that you want it to last. If I were you, I would get him talking..if he isn't ready for marriage, fine..but to suggest he's not sure whether you're the one at this point..i would consider the living arrangments you now have. Like someone said, moving out may show him you aren't dependent on him and it may be easier if things were to go bad.
I agree with many of the posters on here. I think you should break up with him and move out you have wasted enough time with this guy. That guy sounds like a jerk and it doesnt sound as if he wants to be with you at all. Also I don't mean to sound like a B or anything, but NEVER move in with a guy unless you have a ring on your finger, a wedding date set, and you are a million percent sure the guy wants to be with you for the rest of his life. I hope you find a wonderful guy, good luck!
I agree with what everyone says, and i have a few other comments...
Is it possible that your BF is depressed? His apathetic approach to your relationship seems like a dead giveaway to me. Again, none of us are there with you and i know i can't judge on 2 posts alone but i've had plenty of experience with depression and depressed people, and apathy regarding the future and relationships is very common.
You need to look after yourself first and foremost! If he is treating you badly you have to do the right thing for yourself and just hope that he gets what he needs out of life somehow.
Good luck with everything :)
I just think that if he isnt willing to put any effort in you need to reevalutate what that means to you and your relationship. You have to decide if these things are a deal breaker. I can completely understand if he is just not quite ready to get married yet, but to not want to talk about it with you in a nice way is what would bother me. When you are with someone they should become that friend that you can talk to without any pressure. Only you can decide what your line is and if this relationship is worth the time and effort you are putting in. Good luck:)
That he doesn't know if I'm the one he wants all that with and I should be happy with the fact that we live together.
I'm echoing everyone else again, but you really need to see this statement multiple times. After a year and a half he doesn't know if he wants to be with you and thinks you should just be happy he lets you live with him?
If it were me, I'd get out and break up. If that's too drastic for you, at the very least please move out. Immediately if not sooner. In my not so humble opinion, this man is stringing you along. He will hold onto you until he finds someone else who he does want to marry and have a family with. And then he will drop you like a hot potato. I'd leave completely because I'd want to end it on my terms. But that is me.
I agree - there ARE men out there that want nothing more than to spend every day with you and will propsed after a year since they want nothing more than you to be their wife!! They will not believe how lucky they are and you deserve that!!!
This is not a good sign IMHO. I think you need to ask him where your relationship is going. If he doesn't know, then do as others have suggested.
Right before our first anniversary, me and the boy had a big blowout "fight". He made the comment "I used to know that I wanted to marry you, but now I'm not even sure"
That killed me. I was in love with him, had just moved in with him, knowing that someday I wanted to marry him and he says that??
Later when we really talked about everything, he realized I wasn't in a ush to get married and have kids right this second. We made a "5 year plan" and things have been great since.
I would really suggest sitting him down and asking him what he wants from the relationship and you tell him what you want as well. If you're not on the same page and are not heading towards that same page, then maybe you should part ways.
Hope it works out in the best way for you :)
I would say maybe he's not the right person for you. You need someone who has more in common with you and is looking towards the future. I would just give your relationship some serious thought and decide if he has what you need.
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Hi all. I have something going on that I would like another perspective on. My boyfriend and I have been dating close to a year in a half. We started living together around 7/8 months ago. He is a stand-offish, quiet but kind. He's 27. I on the other hand, am very outgoing and loud. I'm always goofing around and being silly, but I know when to take things seriously. I'm super organized and am a planner. In the beginning he was all about going on vacations together, going to dinner, always wanting to try something new. Always including me in his plan presently as well as in the future. Recently, things have really changed. He never brings up going to dinner anymore, no vacations, nothing. I hint all the time to him that it would be nice to get flowers. He just looks at me and goes about his business. When I talk about going away, just the two of us (which we have never done), he briefly listens and then changes the subject. Never has any comments, even when I ask him what his thoughts are, he saids, "nothing really"...i ask, isn't there any place you ever dreamed of going? something you would really like to do or see? "well, i never really thought about it"......[end on convo]. We've recently talked about going away for one night to this beautiful estate close to our house. It's far enough away to stay for the night instead of cramming everything into one day. We talked about it and everything was a go until it came time to book it, he decided he would just rather go for a day. (and trust me, we can afford to go so that's not the issue) It totally took all the romance out of it..it's like, why even go now. I'm a big dreamer and like to talk about my future, I think it always gives me something to live for, something to look forward to, it keeps me positive. Not too long ago, I was talking about having children. That I just want a big family and be able to have family holidays, etc. Many of our friends have them, so the topic has some up before. I personally am not ready to have children anytime soon. I want to figure out my career first. (His career is set, he owns his own house and is settled.) I've expressed this to him. One night I said to him after some comment he made, "oh you want to marry me and have tons of kids with me one day". He didn't say anything and started ignoring me. I got kinda upset. I wasn't looking for any particular answer, but nothing?? When I asked him later what was wrong he said that he is not ready to even think about children and marriage and I make him uncomfortable even mentioning it. That he doesn't know if I'm the one he wants all that with and I should be happy with the fact that we live together. I try talking to him about these things before they get so built up that I explode, but it never seems like it gets resolved. He ends up not having anything to say, acts like it's not a big deal, and tells me I am being a drama queen and over reacting when I get frustrated. I feel completely shut down and this whole thing seems to be growing bigger and bigger in my head. I don't want to be with someone who is not willing to even try! Does anyone know how I might be able to get through to him before contemplating going me own way???....help!....