(Closed) Relationship with FMIL has completely fallen apart…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Give up on having FMIL involved in the wedding. She clearly doesn’t want to be; you don’t want her to be either. Disappointing, but easiest if you move on. Note–still ASK her if she wants to be involved with certain things out of courtesy, but don’t expect her to be. 

Personally, I would stay mum on the badmouthing issue myself. If anyone should say anything to her, it should be your FI. Yes, it’s about you, but it’s something that’s happening between him and her. And if you ever want it to change at all, it has to come from him. it’s up to him to defend you and tell her, “Hey, I love this girl, she’s your DIL, and I don’t want to hear you talking about her that way.” YOU on the other hand, just try your best to avoid her and be friendly when you do see her. 

But, I might also wait until after the wedding to see if it continues. No, it’s not nice or fair to you or at all acceptable behavior, but the woman is very stressed out right now (starting a business is really, really hard) and perhaps dealing with the emotional issue of “losing” her son to another woman. Maybe after the wedding she’ll have to accept reality and the vitrol will die down. 

Sorry you are dealing with this–does not sound fun 🙁

Post # 4
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

As your FI if FMIL is the kind of person who always needs something new, fresh & exciting to focus on?  Because it looks like you were it, and now it’s the business. And in 6 months it will be something else. If it’s a pattern with her, then hopefully that should help you not feel so badly: it’s her; not you.

One other thing that jumped out at me from your post: if your FMIL is badmouthing you to FI – the absolute wrong thing to do is tell you.  He should #1-shut her down (that’s my future wife you’re talking about and I will not stand for you to speak of her that way) and #2-do not pass the venom along to you. 

And don’t be surprised if she circles back to you as soon as you start having kids* (assuming you are having kids – if not then “insert other intersting activity here” ).  Then it will be your choice whether you accept her attention or decide to hold her at arm’s length. 

Post # 5
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

wow! I’m at a loss for words. She’s being a bit disrespectful. I have no advice, but I hope things do get better and everything works itself out. I’m so sorry you’re going through this at such a stressful/wonderful time for you.

Post # 6
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

One thing I recognize in this situation is that people usually only badmouth people when they feel like crap themselves – most do it to “lift” themselves up higher then someone else because it feels good at the moment, rather then relying on their own talents and trusting themselves. I think Shes scared. She probably took on more then she can handle right now and she doesnt want to admit it, shes alone (is she single also?) and now she thinks shes losing her son/husband figure/support. In other words, shes freaking out but wont take the blame for it because she is in the first stages of denial.

Not much you can do unless you ask her point blank – “is everything okay?” and she lets loose. Sometimes that happens and then thats the first step towards improving the situation…

Post # 7
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

What was she saying about you fainting?  I am just curious because how can someone bad mouth another person about that?!  I don’t understand why she is bad mouthing you to your FI, in the first place.

Anyway, just get used to FMIL not being apart of things.  Stop trying to include her, because she’s just too wrapped up in this business thing right now.  I am sorry it has to be that way for you, and that you don’t have a lot of support.  But, you’re gonna keep getting hurt if you keep trying to involve her and she refuses.

Post # 8
Member
9552 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think this is one of those situations where it’s that much harder because you had a taste of a great relationship. I bet that if things hadn’t started so great you wouldn’t be so upset about how things are now. I agree that it’s annoying to have her bail on wedding planning stuff, when you thought she was going to be there for you, but I think the best thing to do about that is to just not expect her to contribute from this point forward. The badmothing is a whole other issue that, I think, is more serious. I agree with Zanne54 that your fiance should not tolerate this and should not pass it along to you. If he feels this means you shouldn’t be planning vacations together, listen to him. Maybe things will swing back and you’ll get along great again, but I wouldn’t spend too much energy trying to fix things at this point. She’s busy, you’re busy, just get through the wedding and then reevaluate. Maybe you won’t have a great relationship but that’s not the end of the world. You’re marrying him, not his mom. And maybe she’ll come around. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Post # 10
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

Oh my.

Owning a business has its ups and downs – we would know. It doesnt give me the right however to be a snob, or bitchy, or anything related to that, to other people. If im doing that, it could be a reaction to the stress. HOWEVER, if Im doing that ALL the TIME, then it is a character flaw.  

Somewhat akin to what Eleanor Roosevelt said “you must do the thing that you think you cannot do”

I normally do not advocate slipping people out of your lives, but this is one case that I think in your health interests, your pending marriage, and for your other family’s sake you should do.

If this was my husband and I, we would

a) get your medical issue immediately taken care of

b) switch vendors, dropping your FMIL’s business immediately also – this will relieve stress on your health, and the planning of the wedding. 

c) decide on an united front/method in handling FMIL’s behavior

By all appearances she appears to be passive-aggressive.  This is is not an easy person to deal with; however passive-aggressive people are great go-getters in the beginning…notice the words in the beginning. I suggest you and your FI read up on these type of behaviors and learn a few coping methods in how to deal with it…Your FFIL probably would be your best ally at this time as he is living with her…unless he has unhealthy coping skills also!

 

AND GOOD LUCK ON YOUR DRS VISIT!!!!!!!! (((hugs))))

 

 

 

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