Post # 1
Posting this in the Married Life forum because I’m curious to hear from married people: For all the bees who grew up with very close relationships to their parents and maintained tight-knit family relations even in their 20s, did you find that your relationship with your parents has gradually changed since you got married?
I ask because in my family/culture, for example, you’re not really considered a ‘real’ adult until you are married, even if you are financially independent. I still lean on them a lot for emotional support and for their advice when making decisions. Even though we live many states away from each other, we talk often on the phone and I visit 4x a year. But I wonder if this will change after marriage, and if I will be ready for it. Anyone go through a similar transition?
Post # 2
Even though I was successful in my career, my parents always worried I’d never find a partner and get married. Not much has changed in my relationship with my parents except now they send their regards to DH too. We still talk on the phone weekly and visit each other a few times a year like we always did.
Post # 3
akshali2000 : I still lean on them a lot for emotional support and for their advice when making decisions.
As a married adult, this most likely will change the most. It’s important that your spouse have a voice in your decision-making and serve as emotional support for you, and it may be hurtful to them if you go to your parents for this instead of him. Spouses are partners, and they become your nuclear family – your parents will become extended family, and while they can voice their opinion, decisions should be made between you and your spouse moving forward.
You can still share much of your life with them, but make sure they aren’t your emotional support for any marriage problems, as that will taint their view of your husband.
Also – you will probably still talk to them often (since you are close to them), and you’ll still get to visit them. However, depending on where your in-laws live and how close your spouse is to his family may affect the frequency, since you’ll now have 2 familites to visit.
Post # 4
I’m not financially reliant on my parents but we still talk as much as we did beforehard. I still ask them for advice and help but I also keep my husband’s needs and wants in mind. He is a private person so I make sure I don’t overshare anything that affects him. The one thing I had to do is try and ask my husband for handy-man help first before asking my dad. He got offended when I would go around him and just ask my dad. My husband is not very motivated so I typically would ask my dad because we have the type of relationship where he will do anything for me. He loves doing favors and helping his kids.
Post # 5
I still have the same relationship with my parents post-marriage that I did pre-marriage. I still call them every day, see them regularly, and rely on them for emotional support as well as people to call to share good news. I do these things with my husband too, but I still do them with my parents- it doesn’t bother him that I discuss issues (as long as their not intimacy issues, which I would never discuss with them anyways!) with my parents at all. I honestly don’t see a big change between pre- and post-wedding.
Post # 6
I don’t see my parents as often any more (they moved to Florida before the wedding, and DH and I live in CA) but I do call my mom twice weekly and we facetime every other week. Your relationship with your parents post-marriage really depends on you, but alsoyou need to take time to work on your new marriage and learn how to adjust to the new normal. Definitely go to your husband first before any big decisions as PPs have said
Post # 7
Thanks everyone! Marriage definitely sounds like a game changer in terms of what you discuss and who you discuss it with. I’m pretty open about my LDR to my parents currently since we are only just dating for now, but I can see how that sort of behavior could become annoying to a spouse. Gotta learn to be each others’ first confidants 🙂
LadyBear : Shoutout to you, LadyBear for raising some excellent points! Thank you for the helpful hints! It’s true that visits will have to cut down signficantly because both our parents live out of state and we would need to fly, which sort of scares me but it’s just a part of growing up I guess! I also am starting to realize the consequences of “tainting someone’s view of someone”. Sometimes I vent about my parents to my SO and about my SO to my family, and I can see how this might taint views unnecessarily.
Post # 8
I talk to my mom and visit just as much as before, but I don’t really ask her financial advice as much as I did. I used to consult with her for taxes, big purchases, etc, now my DH and I figure those things out together without outside influence (unless we need expert advice or our tax person!)
Post # 9
My relationship with my parents changed in the sense they no longer hover. They were both very over protective people, but after getting married that changed.
I was never reliant on my parents financially but they tend to help us a lot. With the wedding they helped trumendously and they offer from time to time to get us somethings we have already been saving for. And my parents are the type if you say no it’s offensive to them.
Nothing really changed except having to make decisions alone without their ok or no, and emotionally I am always going to rely on my mom for advice. That’s the only person I know has my best intrest at heart.
Post # 10
My relationship with my family changed for the better! They treat me like an adult and give my husband and I a good amount of space to live our own lives. When we talk it’s to catch up, no unsolicited advice from their end it is super refreshing and it makes me love and respect them as my parents all the more. Now my husband’s family on the other hand…his mom has been having a harder time with the transition. She refers to us as “the kids” which my husband hates, she’s meddling, insisting we call/text every day so she knkows we are “safe” and super manipulative. We’ve talked about it with her, set boundaries, etc. but we’re still dealing with it at the moment. I think she is still desiring to keep the true role of “Mom” despite our marriage so she expects to hover. Sigh
Post # 11
railroaderwifeyxo : That’s awesome! I hope to have a relationship like that too in the future (minus the financial part post marriage), but more so emotionally or financially just as an emergency backup if I really need it.
Peachbeee : Ahh, maybe she’s going through withdrawal or something? I could see how that can get annoying/frustrating. Are you guys pretty young?
Post # 12
Our relationship hasn’t really changed at all.
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2016 - Old Lake County Courthouse
I am an only child, so I am extremely close to my parents. Although I do suffer from only child syndrome, they did raise me to be an independent woman who wasn’t afraid to leave the nest. From age 18-32 I lived far away from home and was very much single due to college and then my career. Two years before I was married I moved closer to home to be closer to them. Little did I know that that would be the year I would meet my now husband.
Since being married, we live 15 minutes from my parents’ house and 22 minutes from his parents’ house. We both visit our parents once a week. Living far away, formed the habit of me talking to them via phone once or twice a week. I thought that living in close proximity to them would cause me to be over at their house like a homesick college student at holiday time, but I have not.
As for finances, my parents when I was single was like my mini bank. They made sure I had petty cash that was enough to cover me monthly. Now that I am married they told me that if we fall on hard times with finances, they will help if we truly need it. So far as a married woman, i haven’t had any finacial hardships.
The bond we have with our parents are unbreakable, but as you get older you do start to view your parents from a different perspective and behave differently, married or not.
Post # 14
My relationship hasn’t changed much with them. They never helped financially or anything so nothing has really changed. If anything I think it has become a more grown up relationship. They don’t look at me as their kid anymore but more so as a grown up married mom! LOL
I still talk to my mom almost every day and see them about once a week or every other week.