Post # 1
This is something I’ve never spoken about on here before but I thought to write and see what opinions you ladies had.
First there is a backstory:
My older sister (2 yrs difference) and I used to be bffs. I would say we were each other’s best and worst friend until she went to college two years before me. She then bonded with a new friend group and moved on. I rarely heard from her. I know this is normal but what I don’t understand is how much she’s replaced our family in the past few years. She almost never came home for holidays and would opt to go to her friend’s homes out of state. She went to school an hour away but we hardly ever saw her. Now, I get it… she probably just needed space to get away and on her own. We are different people after all. I know my family would sometimes be stressed, sad that she wouldn’t even answer her phone for my mom or dad or even our little sister.
Now I want to mention something that happened her freshman year, I was still in high school at the time and she came home for the summer with all her school boxes and such and folders. I remember going through some of them with my mom because my sister couldn’t have been bothered with unpacking and finding together a paper she had written in her comp class. I suppose the assignment was living with differences or people who are difficult. In the paper she wrote to her professor, she described her life growing up as a very hard one, she painted such a horrible portrait of me as a selfish sibling who sucked our parents dry and my parents as neglectful people. I know it broke my mom’s heart and was upsetting to me, but my mom chose not to bring it up with her. It was her choice it was already done and although we didn’t understand it, that’s what happened.
Over the next few years to now she’s treated us like the people she wrote about in the paper. Ignoring me and my parents as they tried to simply call or see how she was once a month. I feel she doesn’t WANT a relationship with me or our family anymore and although this hurts, I haven’t brought it up. She is impossible to talk to and frequently locks her door, tells me I can’t come in when I visit home (where she is living now with our parents). I feel like our relationship will never be the same and it does hurt knowing she genuinely thinks I am such a terrible person or our parents are, too. I think she thinks they are too ‘worldly’ because she is a very conservative Christian.
I also believe there are a lot of issues underneath her distance from me and our family. I wish she’d talk about them with us but she remains so stubborn it’s hard to even ask her how she’s doing. :/
Post # 3
I don’t know if you’re just wanting to vent or get some advice…either way hugs to you and your family….hoping your get your happy ending or something close to it.
Post # 5
I’m in sort of the same situation, I was very, very close to my sister growing up. But as adults we’ve drifted apart, mainly due to distance.
However, a few years ago I was missing her a lot. I’d called her a couple of times but she didn’t return my calls, so I emailed her to say, “Hi Sis, thinking about you, I miss you lots. I know you’ve been really busy with the kids, but I was hoping we could keep in touch better from now on. How about we just catch up by email every week or so instead of keep on playing phone tag?” Please note that my sister has two girls in middle school and only works part time. Her husband, now ex, did all the cooking and cleaning for the four of them. Her response to me? “I’m too busy to have time to email you on any kind of regular basis. You just don’t know how it is . . . blahblah.” Basically she scolded me for even asking to rekindle our once close relationship. However, she is still my sister, so when she ever reaches out I always respond with kindness.
I know your situation is a little different. I know it hurts, I’m so sorry. For me, my friends and my FI’s family now fill the “family gap” for me. So I feel very blessed with who’s in my life right now.
I hope you can find some peace with this.
Post # 6
Thanks, I did post more to vent than to get a solution. The simple answer: I don’t think there is much of one. Besides my relationship with my mom, younger sister and hubby.. I don’t have any family outside of that. At least no family that actually knows me. DH’s family issues make me sad at times because I feel I’ll never know what it’s like to be cared for by a group of people like that. Maybe someday I’ll have the group of friends who take the place of the family I never had.
Post # 7
Have you thought about writing her a letter? I’m not saying she would respond positively, if she even responded at all, but you could let her know how much you miss her. Perhaps open the door to rebuild your relationship, but highlight that it is important to you that it is done on her terms – she can choose how often contact will be, etc. so that she doesn’t feel overwhelmed.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My middle sister and I have really grown apart. But we’re just very different people and she shows no sign of desiring to have a relationship with me (I have not spoken to her since Christmas – she didn’t text or call me on my birthday, and she won’t be coming into town when I graduate with my Master’s). I think this bothers my mother, but I’m okay with it since this seems to be the type of relationship my sister wants.
Post # 8
@MrsEdamame: My sister seems a lot like yours. I have told her I missed her, things like you suggested with little to no response. She also forgot my birthday and didn’t even send a card. :/ I also think it’s sad but this is really what she wants for the time being. My entire immediate family doesn’t understand and it pains me to know how hurt or frustrated my mom and dad are, especially my little sister (who is 10). I’ve been having her over more and more often simply because I know my older sister is out of her life and she’s taking it badly.
Post # 9
Oh wow, I’m so sorry. My little sister and I are best friends, I can’t imagine what it would feel like to have her emotionally disconnect from me like that. At least you still have one sister who you have a relationship with, and you can make sure that she feels that she can always count on you!