Post # 1
Hi everyone! I am new here and don’t know if this is all right to post here but i feel like i am going crazy!
I have been with my bf for 6.5 years now, its a long distance relationship and its difficult but its still good! Obviously i would love to live together, be engaged then married, have babies the works. The most serious we have got is talking about living together (for practical and schooling reasons we cant)
Here is the thing, his brother met a girl and then a month later they were pregnant, they moved in together, he proposed and they will be married later this year. I know i should be pleased, and i am but i am also insanely jealous! His family traveled to meet her family a few weeks ago and they all had a lovely time, which is nice but it grates on me because our families have never met up even though they only live an hour apart. I suppose to summarise it just feels like they have everything i want, and in his families eyes we are nothing serious. i feel really possesive of his family for some reason and it kills me to think that they will have this bond with her that it seems i will never have.
And when i say they have everything i want i mean literally everything, the day i told my bf i would love to have children ASAP and he in return told me if i did get pregnant now he wouldnt want it (for practical reasons but it still hurts) was the day they announced they were 3 weeks pregant. I wanted the first grandchild so badly, because even though people would deny it, i cant help feeling that there would be something much more special about a first grandchild. But i told myself i will have the first granddaughter (i have always wanted a girl) and then two weeks ago they found out that of course it was a girl.
Just to explain a little more i have always wanted children, its what i want to do in life, just the idea makes me feel emotional. so for the bf to say he doesnt hurts a lot, and when i see his brother getting so excited about an unplanned baby it frustrates me even more! I also have family and friends constantly asking when we will be engaged etc.
i know this is all illogical and immature (we are in our early 20s!) but i cant help it. I feel much better for just ranting but some advice would be much appreciated! 🙂
am i justified to be upset our families have never properly met? am i a horrible person for feeling all this?
Post # 3
@Sarahsun: I would not be jealous at all at someone likely marrying someone because they got pregnant a month after starting to date. Sounds like your bf is thinking very rationally in wanting to wait for marriage, kids, etc until after he is done with school.
Post # 4
@nursemel: I agree. The situation sounds more like a nightmare than something to be jealous about. Although from the outside it may look like they’re happy and perfect, I can’t imagine that this is their reality. His brothr is marrying someone he barely knows because she accidentally got pregnant. The chances of this marriage succeeding are slim. And I can’t imagine that the families are thrilled either. They may be trying to be supportive but I’m sure their not very excited that their son got themselves into this.
It sounds like you’re young and are still working on schooling. I think it’s wise of your Boyfriend or Best Friend to want to hold off for a bit on kids. In a few months this girlfriend will be up to her elbows in baby poop and jealous of you and your freedom and your established relationship.
Post # 5
@Sarahsun: omg, that situation is not one to be jealous about. i would be concerned more than anything.
jealousy is ugly and toxic and in my opinion a waste of energy. you need to learn how to appreciate what you have and what your goals are. you are in school so you have goals. focus on yourself and what you have achieved. accept what others have or are doing but realize there is no reason for envy. one day, you too will have your goals met too.
Post # 6
I can understand that after dating 6 years, it is frustrating to see someone who came into the picture a few months ago start to get everything you’ve been dreaming and waiting for. However, like other bees said, it doesn’t sound too promising. I hope that I am wrong, but right now it sounds like they are in a “honeymoon stage”, and what happens when all is said and done (actual wedding is done with and baby is born)? This is when real life occurs and it’s not all hearts and rainbows. People take time to get to know each other before marriage and babies b/c they understand what work it is continuously, and truthfully it’s better to know all of this, and if it will work for you, before you are that committed. Unfortunately your BF’s brother and his gf will have to learn about each other while going through the struggles; I’ve seen how hard that can be. Try to stay positive and supportive and know your time will come. Boyfriend or Best Friend sounds like he wants a little more stability before jumping into anything and anything you both can’t afford. Good for you guys to wait and be smart about it, and still wishing his bro best of luck.
Post # 7
I agree with the earlier posts! While I understand your feelings of jealousy, it is important to realize that they will encounter struggles in their relationship.
Could you plan a meeting between your family and his? Maybe invite both families to go out to dinner. It could help both families realize that the two of you are serious. Is there a reason that they haven’t met before?
Post # 8
@Sarahsun: I do understand how you feel because I went through something similar. My sister was engaged, married, and had her first child within 2 years of meeting her husband. Meanwhile I have been with my SO since before she and her husband even met, but we’re still not engaged. It’s normal to feel that twinge of jealousy when you see that someone else is getting the things you have wanted for so long. However, remember to keep some perspective on the situation.
1) Like PP said, a surprise pregnancy and a quick marriage brings about its own stress and challenges. I’m sure if you were to talk to your SO’s brother and his wife, they would tell you that their situation is not perfect.
2) The only thing you should judge your relationship by is what’s right for you and your SO. As tempting as it is to compare, all you can do is focus on building your own relationship and making it as good as it can be. It’s hard to wait but you really do have a great advantage in having time to really get to know each other and learn to communicate and work through any issues. Your time will come!
Post # 9
Why would you be jealous?! Who wants to rush through some of the most important events of your life rather than get to look forward to each one?!?
Post # 10
Yeah, I agreee with the other bees…your bf’s brother’s situation isn’t really anything to brag about. They are on the fast track….and maybe he wouldn’t even be marrying her if it weren’ for the unplanned pregnancy…who knows!
There’s no rush. Do things the way you always imagined in the order you imagined them. Your boyfriend probably doesn’t mean to say he wouldn’t want you to have his child, but maybe he’s just mature enough to know you guys aren’t ready…and he’s being honest/realistic.
But you two should keep the lines of communication open, not only about children but about the prospect of engagement/marriage.
Post # 11
I had a baby last year, and let me tell you, even though I was married when we got pregnant and the pregnancy was planned, the adjustment was SO hard. You are hormonal, you are sleep deprived, the stress of the unknown is unbearable (ie. the baby won’t stop crying and I don’t know why, or, baby has a cough what if it’s the start of the flu, etc), and it’s just a very high anxiety situation that may take MONTHS to get a routine going. And that’s if you have a perfectly healthy baby!
I cannot even imagine going through that with someone I had just met and only married because I was pregnant. Maybe they’ll work through it, maybe they won’t, but the odds are stacked against them from the get-go.
It’s perfectly normal to be jealous, but hang around for about 10 months and see if you still feel that way. Once the excitement of the wedding and the birth has died down, and reality has set in, see if you still wish you could trade places with her.
I am the first of my close friends to get married and have a baby, and there was a little envy from them at the beginning. Then they saw my reality- that I rarely sleep through the night, I am up every day between 4-5 am (every day- no exaggerations!), we are now dropping over $1,000 per month on daycare, date night for us happens about once every three months when my parents come to visit, and we are usually home by 10-11 pm because we are both so tired. We argue over who’s method of either bathing the baby, putting her to sleep, or feeding her is the best. We frequently clash over different parenting strategies and our baby is less than a year old. It’s TOUGH. I love my husband and of course love my baby, but believe me, a lot of my friends don’t look at my life with too much envy when they see close up an average day for me.
Just focus on your own relationship. Your turn will come when everything is ready.