Post # 1
Good friends of ours decided to go ‘on a break’ this week, after some mutual friend sat the woman (E) down to say they were worried about the relationship her bf (J) has with another friend of ours. There were other reasons, but a big one is how cuddle J gets with female friends, especially since E has had to change the tone of her relationship with several guy friends for J’s sake. This got my DH and I to talking about how ‘physical’ it’s okay to get with friends outside of our relationship. I, for example, have several girl friends from college with whom I would be completely comfortable cuddling with on the couch to watch a movie or giving a massage, etc. Friendships with men are obviously a little different, but before getting married I certainly had totally platonic relationships that involved hugging, foot rubs, etc. Obviously, this would make some people completely uncomfortable (anyone remember the scene from Pulp Fiction?), and things do change when you get married. Interestingly, one thing we agreed on is that when you know the person your SO is getting a little cuddly with and trust them, it makes it easier, but there is still a line.
So I wanted to ask the hive: where is your line? Do you and your SO feel comfortable having a literally touchy relationship (sister/best friend/whomever) outside of your marriage?
I realize everyone will have very personal and potetentially very different answers and probably feel very strongly about them. I would like to know people’s thoughts, though, and I hope that we can let others share their views without assuming they are judging those who disagree.
Post # 3
FI and I both have close friendships with members of the opposite sex. We are both secure enough in our relationship and trust each other enough to not worry about it or get jealous. They are mostly friends we had before meeting each other, but there are also friends we’ve met more recently through work, and we’re both fine with it.
We were actually introduced by a girl I worked with, whom FI went to college with. He was visiting her and her roommate for a weekend when we met. He is still close with them and talks with them on the phone every so often, and may go hang out with them without me if I have other plans (although we also all hang out together often, too). When we got engaged and were talking about who we’d have in our bridal party, I even asked him if he’d want these two women on his side of the party. I’d be totally fine with that, although he decided against it.
I think a large part of how comfortable I am with their friendships is the fact that it has always been completely platonic on both sides. One of the women is in a serious relationship and the other is single, but I know that they see FI as more of a brother figure than a possible fling. I have male friends with whom I feel the same, and FI is totally fine with that.
I would, however, have a problem with it if he were overly touchy-feely with any of his female friends. Hugs and kisses on the cheek to say hello and goodbye are totally fine, but I would not stand for him doing anymore than that. And I don’t think that’s me being controlling — I know he’d say the same about me with any male friends. It would be disrespectful for either of us to cross that line, and we respect and love each other enough to never even think of doing something like that.
Post # 4
This is a situation I do not have as much to worry about as others might. My FI is a rather anti-touching sort of person and really the only person I have ever seen him be cuddly with is me. The only other girl I know he feels really comfortable around is one of my BM. I am totally fine with this as I trust both her and him. For us, he can hug someone of the opposite sex or be flirty, because of the two of us I am worse! I think overall each of us knows however flirty or cuddly or huggy we might be with some person of the opposite sex, it will never cross a line, aka no kissing or anything. We both understand that at the end of the night we are always going to chose one another, but we also know we both have nothing to worry about. I think ultimately this issue is about trust and it is about holding one another to the same standards. So one person can’t be allowed to act like a flirt while the other acts like a wallflower. A good relationship is about fairness. Lastly, I always think you should be able to talk about it, if either of us crossed a line I know my FI and I would be able to talk about it and resolve any issue.
Post # 5
Interesting post…I have a lot of close relationships with my girlfriends especially, and he doesn’t mind that at all. All of his girlfriends are my friends too, but he doesn’t get too touchy with them. I do have some guy friends where we make snarky sexual comments and give big hugs, but again they are all his friends too so he doesn’t get upset. I do have to give him huge props with one guy, cuz him and I actually starting talking before FI and I got together, and so there is somewhat of a past for us. But hes in a serious relationship and FI knows I’m head over heels for him, so its no big deal.
I think that as long as you know the line your comfortable with, and you leave the real intimate affection for your SO, you should be fine. So far, its worked for us
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2018 - Holy Family Catholic Church, reception: National Infantry Museum
I have to say that he is much more likely to have a touchy-feely relationship with another girl than I am to get that close to a man. He has a ton of girl friends that I either have never met or don’t know that well (and yes, I get jealous and nervous) but I really don’t have that many guys that I chat with regularly.
Post # 7
My FI has been very clear: No massage ever has innocent contexts. So I don’t get touchy with anyone male except my FI. However, dancing is ok. I’m not really a touchy person in the first place. And really I don’t even like him talking to other girls, but I wouldn’t tell him that. It’s more of a thought in my own head.
Post # 8
Neither of us is touchy with anyone else (outside of our families) — especially him. I guess there is one female friend of his that he would probably hug, but she’s married and I’m friends with her too, so I don’t get worried. Actually we’re staying the night with her and her husband next weekend (Valentine’s Day).
Post # 9
I am a jealous crazy person so my opinion on this subject is probably not very helpful because well…I’m a crazy person. lol. There have been a couple times when fiance has gotten a little too close with a female friend and I might have flipped out a little..not at the time of course, I didn’t cause a scene or anything, but I brought it up later.
He has one friend in particular, who is single by the way, who is a huge flirt, with everyone, so I should just tell myself “thats just how she is, get over it!” but I can’t! One time she sat down on his lap, I gave her the evil eye and he quickly was like “um..no” but it made me furious. It’s like why would you think thats ok to do? So then it kind of worries me what she does when I’m NOT in the room. Anyway I swear I’m totally secure in our relationship and I know nothing would ever happen, but she just gets under my skin.
I have to admit there were times when I’ve snuggled up to a long time guy friend during a movie or something and thought to myself “what would fiance say if he walked in on us like this?” to which my reply was to promptly “unsnuggle” myself. again we’re %100 secure in our relationship, I just don’t want him to do any unnecessary worrying.
so to make my long comment even longer, there are a few things that cross the line to me. Friendly hugs? sure. Backrubs? um…only if I’m present and you’re a massage therapist (see..crazy person) sitting on his lap or cuddling? oh hell to the no. these things just make me nervous.
Post # 10
@MightySapphire:DH said that to me too…
I was oblivious to these things before we started dating, and had guy friends with whom I was touchy. And eventually these guys would profess their love for me and I’d be blindsided because to me they were brothers. DH clearly explained that NO GUY will be touchy with you for no reason at all. And, on my part, I do not trust women very much; they often see a taken man as a challenge. So, we’re in the no touching at all camp – but it’s not hard, neither of us has the desire to be affectionate with members of the opposite sex outside our relationship.
Post # 11
We have a saying in this house.
If it doesn’t involve penetration or a financial transaction, it’s fine by me!
Deep thoughts, guys. Deep thoughts. 🙂
Post # 12
@Beluga:That leaves room for soooo many things that would not be fine for us!
Post # 13
@Beluga: I love it!
As long as FI and I know the other person and trust them, we are okay with hugging, dirty comments, etc. We were in a long distance relationship for about 3 years so we had to have a lot of trust in eachother.
Post # 14
I have a lot of close friends, male and female and we all hug hello and goodbye and that’s not a big deal AT ALL. We all love each other and a hug or kiss hello is just being affectinate.
That said, why in the world would I want to cuddle or massage or be cuddled and massaged by anyone but my husband? My hubs rubs my feet almost every night but it would kind of weird me out if one of my friends tried it.
I guess i just don’t see the point of physical intimacy with anyone but my husband. Showing a little affection, sure, but I don’t think that’s what the OP is talking about.
Post # 15
FI has a female friend I used to have serious issues with. I trust FI completely but this girl made me really uncomfortable. She was with her SO for 7 years and had no interest in marrying him. She hated me being around (she and FI were NOT friends before he and I got together) and she always hung way too close to him. He made it clear to her that I wasn’t going anywhere and eventually limited contact with her to just at the office.
She left her SO and found a guy she’s truly in love with. She’s really changed as a person and we are friendly acquaintances. Had she not been so rude to me I would have been fine with the friendship. I’m fine with her now, but back then she really upset me.
Out of respect to FI, I don’t hang out with any of my guy friends in situations that could be miscontrued. Before I met FI, I went out with my guy friends to movies, dinner, etc., just as friends. But now we hang out in groups or go to lunch, not dinner and a movie. FI doesn’t care but I think it would be disrespectful to him to go out for dinner and a movie with another guy.
Post # 16
With us, friendships with the opposite sex that involve a quick hug and peck on the cheek are ok. But massages and cuddling on the couch? No.
I sort of have to disagree about the massage thing. I’ve seen people’s fathers and brothers give them little shoulder massages and such.