(Closed) Relationships + Tragedy= False Love?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Does tragedy bring people together?
    Yes- for the shorter term future : (13 votes)
    35 %
    Yes- forever : (14 votes)
    38 %
    No : (2 votes)
    5 %
    Other (explain below) : (8 votes)
    22 %
  • Post # 3
    8738 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @Dell79:  I don’t necessarily think the tragedy brings them together, it’s more that the tragedy gives them an opportunity to really “see” what the other person is like during hard times.

    If you are able to come together and depend on each other during hard times, I believe that helps strengthen and solidify the relationship.

    However, if the relationship isn’t good, I don’t think a tragedy will improve it, it might just help you see the other partner’s true colors (for good or for bad).

    Post # 5
    925 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I can see it going either way. I know some people who have gotten and stayed closer because of tragedies, but I also know some where the opposite has happened. Not to be cheesy, but I remember on the show “The Newlyweds” (who remembers this??!) with Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, they once said that they were broken up until 9/11 happened, then they got back together and we all know how that ended. I also know a girl who had been in a really long relationship with a guy but they broke up (I think he cheated). She had something detrimental happen in her life and he ended up being her support. They got married not too long after that but literally within weeks after the wedding she had moved out. I think in their case the situation that was going on was just too much and they might not have been compatible to begin with. I don’t know.

    All I’m saying is that if there is a real, deep relationship there to begin with, a tragedy will probably bring you even closer together and you will stay together, but if the relationship is already rocky then all you’re going to get is a false pretense of a relationship, which is only temporary. Just my 2 cents. 🙂

    Post # 6
    1333 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I am commenting based upon my personal experience!!  My SO and I were together over a year when I lost my mother in December – indesrcibably, the hardest/saddest thing I have ever gone thru.  That nature of her death was Cancer, so although the end came much quicker than expected, it was not ‘unexpected’, which I think makes a difference in this. 

    She had cancer when we met, and after a few dates I told him this, and I said ‘she will not live a long life, although we do not know when she will go, and it is hard.  She comes first, so if you want out, then do it now, bc I do not ‘need’ BS and games.’  He stayed, thankfully.

    Thru the course of our year together, we had our ups and downs (way more ups, then downs, but most relationships are like that!).  I was happy, and he was wonderful to me, and my family.  He would take care of my mom’s yard for her and housework, for example.  Just amazing.

    When she died, he was there in such a way I could have ever anticipated or expected.  He knew the person to be without me asking.  Gave me my space when I needed it – especially during the Funeral process, and was right next to me when I needed it.  It was INCREDIBLY touching for others to see, and INCREDIBLE for me to see.  It was as if any ‘question’ about us (our future)- not that there were any really – disappeared with him and I.  I knew, more than ever, he was my ‘one’.  

    Sorry for the long post, but to answer your question, it brought us together – I think, forever.  We shared a HUGE loss together, him being emotional too.  We went thru this together, and if we got thru this together, then we think we can do anything together.  HOWEVER, we were in a great place before this happened…AND, it was not unexpected.  We had talked about this moment before it even happened.  I am not going to lie, I thought before this happened it *could* pull us apart, but so far so good.  And, we are still in the same relationship, nothing has changed, only we are stronger!!


    Post # 8
    7431 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    @KatNYC2011:  I agree with everything you said.

    I lost my grandma a year before our wedding, and hubs was there for me however I needed him to be. He let me sob in his arms, let me get sloppy drunk with my friends the night it happened, was a pallbearer in over 100* heat, and went through the entire mass (he isn’t religious at all) without a peep. When my dad had cancer, he was there for me. 

    We’ve been through a lot together, and every time something like that happens, it just brings us closer

    Post # 9
    329 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    @KatNYC2011:  I loved your response! It’s so true. Coming together in hard times is so important in a relationship, so when you are able to rely on one another, it may make you view the relationship in a different way.

    My now-husband had a freak heart attack on our fifth date, and it really changed the dynamic of our relationship quickly. I remember him being so happy that I was willing to sit at home with him when he couldn’t go out or calm him down when he had panic attacks after it happening. It definitely hit the “fast forward” button a bit on our relationship, because we realized how much we could count on one another much earlier than usual.

    We also went through both of his parents getting cancer, losing jobs and the death of a few family members before we got married. As hard as it was, all of that tested our relationship and we came out of it closer. If our relationship was rocky, it would have definitely crumbled from the hard times.

    Post # 10
    5289 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    My husband calls this “crisis bonding”.

    I think it all depends. I do think that there are circumstances where “tragedy” or a crisis brings people together (or has them stay together) in an unhealthy way, where it created more out of a codependency or fear, rather than from a healthy place. In such cases, either the unhealthy pattern is continued, or once the crisis is far enough in the past, the “reality” of their bond is more apparent and once the need is gone, well, things are no longer so rosy, if that makes sense. I also see lots of people actually often confuse “drama” for tragedy and there “getting through it” as a sign of such a bond. But, I do think that is an entirely different kettle of fish!

    I do however certainly think there are also circumstances where difficult circumstances simply have two people who care about each other be there for each other, listen and perhaps be more vulnerable in ways they have not before, and thus develop a deeper connection that for that particular couple needed a crisis to instigate (I say that as NOT all couples need a crisis to reach that level of intimacy!).

    My husband and I already have a deep and strong relationship, but certainly tough times, as well as incredibly joyous times, only continue to further deepen our bond through experiencing them together in the way we do. I mean, to me a healthy, life-partnership involves being there for each other during all that life throws our way, including the crisis’ and the joys, be it deaths, illnesses, job losses, and so on, and you can truly learn more about each other during those moments as you allow yourself to be known or strive to know the other.  A true lasting and genuine intimacy can develop in being there with each other and authentic with each other when your life together is not all about romantic early dates and butterflies in the belly.

    Post # 11
    1695 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    My Darling Husband and I went through serious illness, unemployment, and addiction together BEFORE we were married! I agree with some of the other PP’s, going through tough times with Darling Husband helped me realize that for better and worse, this is the man I wanted as my partner. I know he has my back no matter what, and he knows the same about me. 

    Post # 12
    812 posts
    Busy bee

    I think it depends on the people and the relationship

    Post # 13
    686 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    I personally think that that early on in their relationship it would probably make things far more difficult and if they don’t really love each other and it would fall apart quickly. 

    DH (then SO) and I were living together a year when his older brother killed himself. It shook my husband and his  family to their foundations and I spent years picking up the pieces with him. I went through extreme financial problems when SO (the breadwinner) just didn’t  go to work for six months because he was too depressed and I was still in college. I took the brunt of his lashing out because his family was consumed with their own grief. I simply wouldn’t have put myself through all the financial and emotional hardship that came with that personal tragedy if I didn’t  have every intention of committing my life to the man.

    Post # 14
    1297 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I’d say it depends. I can see how it could be a short-term thing, where the effect lasts only as long as the crisis, or that people would stay together because they “owed” the other for their support.

    In my case, I started dating my Fiance right around the time that my aunt (who was like my second mom) was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It was like KatNYC said, I learned quickly that he could be relied on.

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