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No way. You and FI should tell your parents that you will be newlyweds, and no newlywed couple should have houseguests! Do your parents have keys to your house? If not, do NOT hand them over. When your parents tell you who they've invited to your house (funny, I always thought only the people actually living there had the right to invite guests!), politely call those people and tell them there's been a terrible misunderstanding, and you know they wouldn't want to intrude on you two right after your wedding!
It's not your responsibility to provide a place for them to stay-- stand your ground!
Wow. Absolutely no way! should you have guests stay at your house before, during, or after the wedding! Even if you are not technically going away somewhere, you are on your honeymoon and need to enjoy this time together. Alone.
Stand your ground!!!
I wouldn't say your are being a bridezilla at ALL! Bridezillas throw temper tantrums in the middle of the nail salon because a bridesmaids toe nails are cotton candy instead of bubble gum pink, not ask to have some time alone with their husband during the traditional "honeymoon" time. I don't know your family situation, so I can't really tell you want to do, but I can tell you that you are NOT being unreasonable to ask for your own space! Good luck!!
We didn't go on a honeymoon immediately either, and not only did we have guests, we had my husband's sister living with us (both prior to and after the wedding) and his parents stayed at our house the week before/during/after the wedding. We gave up the master bedroom and slept on the floor in another room. NOT what I had always imagined as far as what happens after you get married.... but I was too worried about family relations to make a stink, so I just stewed about it.... and am still slightly bitter to this day.
(his sister still lives with us even now!! AHGH!)
Nope. I can't believe the relatives would even accept that offer. The last thing you need to add on top of the stress of having a wedding is the stress of hosting people (even if you want them there, it's stressful). I'm sure they understand...and if they don't, you don't want them as guests *ever*. Let mom know in no uncertain terms that it's out of the question.
It is one thing to meet people for lunch, but an entirely different thing to have them stay in your home during your first week as newlyweds!
Do your parents live in the city? Maybe they could stay with them instead. If I were you, I would explain to my parents that even though you are not going away, you and your new husband would like to enjoy some alone time.
I would really be apalled if my parents asked me to house and entertain guests right after my wedding. I actually have a cousin from Omaha who wanted to stay with us the week of the wedding. I politely explained that during the week of the wedding we will be too busy to entertain and/or check on him and that we plan to leave right afterwards so it would be best if he stayed with other relatives or in a hotel. I honestly believe it is selfish of anyone to ask you and your new husband to entertain anyone. Although we all know that the wedding is for the family (I'm not sure if it was ever about the bride and groom), the honeymoon is for specifically for the newly married couple. People think that if you are not going out of town, or if you have been together for a while, that you don't need that time BUT THAT IS SO WRONG! That is your time, and I wouldn't give it up for ANYONE! Politely tell your parents that you don't want to have houseguests, explain why, and you and your fiance enjoy your time in your new home doing what married folks do!
No. No no no. You are absolutely not responsible for housing any of your guests. It was awfully rude of your parents if they made any promises on your behalf, doubly so if they booked people to stay in your house on your wedding night.
My my father's mother stayed with my parents the night after they got married. My mother is still pissed even after 30 years.
Plain and simple. NO! Put your foot down. It's your house not your parents. You are no longer living under their roof with their rules. It's simply rude and disrespectful to expect that you will house family members especially after your own wedding. Even though you are not physically going anywhere doesn't mean you don't get a honeymoon period.
Is it possible for you guys to vacate your apartment, and to stay somewhere else for a day or two?
If my wife's relatives were in town from overseas and asked to stay with me, I'd feel obliged to let them stay in my place (I'd wish they wouldn't ask, but once they do... I'd feel obliged). But I'd probably just get a hotel for 2 nights nearby, so me and the missus could have a little alone time together.
A hotel for 2 nights is a lot of money, but it's cheaper than putting all the relatives up for a week? There are some nice B&B's in Chelsea that aren't that expensive. Or maybe I'd take a minimoon up to an Inn in upstate NY (you can take the bus to some of them, and it's cheaper rates during the week - so you could do the whole thing for $250 or so).
Wow, I touched a hotbutton! I guess I should start by saying, thanks for the show of support! It means a lot (probably so much I'm going to cry anyways!)
As a background, my family is very used to doing the whole stuff as many people as you can in the house as possible to save money. With that said, my family that would stay with us would be from my mothers side mostly and while I love them dearly, it just wouldn't sit right with my FI and I to have to open our new home to them given the circumstances. Granted none of them have seen our new house and they would be more than welcome to stay if it were for vacation or someone else's wedding, it just doesn't seem appropriate given the situation.
In the same boat is my sister and my cousin. Apparently the cost of a hotel stay is way too expensive and my parents find it rude that we wouldn't try to house them given the money they are spending to come to our wedding. So in addition to our home, they have also opened the doors to my sister's new place and my cousins home. I feel their frustration but luckily I have more of an excuse to turn them down then my sister and cousin.
Mr. Bee, my FI is pretty much in your boat and he understands the circumstances which is why he is not arguing with me on it. (Sometimes dealing with my parents logically is not an option, he's chosen to leave the decision to me.) On the same token he also has family coming from abroad, so to say that my family can stay with us and his can't would be highly unfair.
As for renting a B&B, our stance is we pay more than enough mortgage on our new house and to have to pay for a hotel stay so that our family doesn't have to spend the money seems a bit odd to me. We're already paying for the wedding in full all by ourselves so financially we are strapped for money as is and there's no guarantee that the relatives would only be staying a week, so that would mean I would have to find a place to put my dog in the interim as well.
I'm open to any more ideas and suggestions from both perspectives! Love you all! Thanks!
I would absolutely go with your gut on this one. And if being polite and insistent with your parents doesn't work, you may want to try the tactic of saying "I think Uncle Vern and Aunt Erma will very embarrassed to hear my husband and I on our wedding night" And if your parents think you should hold off on having sex after your wedding, ask them to reflect on their newlywed time. I've always found that asking my mom to think about what she would have wanted when she was getting married/having kids/etc helps give her a new perspective. Good luck!
Also having just gotten married myself, my home is no where near in a position to host people. There are projects all over the place, gifts that don't yet have homes except for the living room floor, boxes in a pile in one corner, etc. Trust me when I say that having all that stuff there will e hard to avoid.
Having just read your above post, I'd also add that while I understand the struggle you're having about getting a B&B, if you really can't get people to not stay at your home and you really don't want to fight that fight (choosing your battles is the hardest part of workin with my parents, that's for sure), then I'd invest the money to give youreslf the peace and quiet you deserve. See if a friend would dog sit for you, only stay the nights you have family staying at your home, see if you can find a dog friendly B&B, but don't deny yourself the opportunity to have some alone time with your brand new husband. And don't set yourself up for bitterness in the future.
Even if your parents are of the mindset "stuff as many people in the house as possible to save money" it's not their house. It's your house.
Since you are paying for the entire wedding on your own, maybe your parents could pay for the guests hotels since this is something they think needs to be covered. I've never been to an out of town wedding and expected the hosts to pay for my hotel or house me.
Also, getting married is a once in a lifetime thing, and your honeymoon is whatever and where ever you want it to be. Staying home to relax and just be with each other is wonderful - don't let unwanted house guests spoil your special time.
I know this is my second post, I'm just so appalled that any parent would expect a brand new bride and groom to share their honeymoon with guests.
I know that it is pricey to get a hotel room for an out of (my) town wedding, but in attending the wedding I know that I would need a room and I would budget that in - as a guest - as part of my cost.
Hotels are known for doing group rates so that it can be a bit cheaper - all it takes is a little research! And there are plenty of sites that give previews on what can be available. Look at Groople which looks at hotel rates within a given area based on the number of hotel rooms you need.
As kind as it is for your parents to offer this up to your guests, it really isn't their house. And if you are paying exclusively for your own wedding (or even covering the majority of it) it really is not a decision for them to make.
Research, tell your parents where you'd like your guests to stay, thank them for looking to make life easier on everyone (they probably think they are helping), and handle it.
I agree with amaryliss. When attending an out-of-town wedding, I automatically count a hotel room among my costs.
Maybe your guests could coordinate and share rooms, to help cut down on cost. Or if it is something your parents are so concerned with, maybe they can foot the cost (or part of it).
I just can't believe that your parents have invited people to stay with you, your cousin and your sister, without talking to any of you first! Yes, saving money is important and I certainly get that, but they need to learn some boundaries. They don't have the right to offer up someone else's home.
N-O.....you and your hubby just got married and this week off at home is basically considered ur honeymoon. its not fair to make ur husband host ur family. i would stand my ground!!
Miss BlueBear - that's a great point about it not being fair that your family can stay with you, and not the other way around. If your FI's family would be hurt by this, maybe you could use that to get out of having to host guests?
On the flip side, I could totally see my family opening my house up to relatives without asking! Maybe it is a cultural thing... my family is Japanese, and I would just feel obliged. I couldn't turn away my family, even on my wedding night. Well I actually lived with my brother at the time, so Mrs. Bee and I got a hotel room for that night.
But I totally respect the other perspective! Good luck to you with your wedding and honeymoon!!
if you chose to do a mini-moon, i think i would say that 'it's so nice of [insert guest] to take care of our dog while we spend a couple of nights away.' if you are opening your home to guests you did not invite, surely they can watch your dog if you choose to pay for a hotel room to have some alone time.
i do think it would be a *lot* of added stress, though, to make sure your home is ready to receive guests right before the wedding. it might have pushed me over the edge. if your parents feel comfortable inviting people to stay in your home, maybe they wouldn't mind helping you get the house ready, too?
A lot of responses already... but I want to reiterate that yes, you should spend this time alone even if it means politely turning down houseguests. You can't get back those first few days of marriage -- even if you're planning to go on a "honeymoon" trip later down the line, those first few days just basking in the light of the wedding being over and the marriage just beginning is a precious time to cherish with each other. I say do whatever you need to do to ensure you'll spend that time alone together, for the most part.
We got married the day before Mother's Day, so the day after we spent time with our mothers for mealtimes (lunch with his side, dinner with mine), but we still spent a good deal of special alone time as well. There's ways to spend time alone to celebrate your marriage, and not make out-of-town guests feel neglected, but I think having to play hostess to those guests would really, really make that difficult! Hope it all works out.
I am also shocked that they would even ask. My parents are coming from CA and haven't even asked if THEY may stay in my house! It's the hotel for everyone or I am sorry, don't come.
Where do you have rooms blocked? NYC is expensive, but you should be able to find something. I have suites blocked at the Embassy Suites for $229 (February)--these are suites with a king bed, a fold-out couch, and a kitchette. They can surely jam as many people in there as they could squeeze into your house, and divided among so many people, it wouldn't be so bad.
Do not cave. On the morning of your wedding do you want to have to cook breakfast for everyone? Do you want to deal with people poking around your house, spilling coffee and toast crumbs near your dress? Do you want to have to fight for bathroom space? Do you want to be frantically searching for your veil because it was in Aunt Mabel's way and she stuck it in the closet and forgot? No.
So much has already been said, but I also feel it is important to reiterate that you should absolutely not back down on this issue. Allowing this will make you bitter for years to come, and you deserve to spend those post-wedding days ALONE with your new hubby!
The fact that you and your FI are paying for the entire wedding yourselves is also an important point; I am assuming you are not going away for a honeymoon because of financial reasons, so that is all the more reason for you to be able to enjoy some well-deserved alone time, even if it is in the comfort of your own home. I'm sure you worked hard to earn the money to pay for your wedding, and having your guests at the wedding in the first place is (in a way) your gift to them, so I don't think that you are in any way also obligated to house them or pay for them to stay somewhere. After all, you could have decided to have a small wedding to save money and not invited them at all!
I also second the suggestion to find one or two room blocks at hotels to secure some group rates for your guests. If you show them that you have arranged things for them, you are courteously saving them the hassle of finding a place on their own, and you are giving them the option to pair up or share rooms to save money.
If this is still not acceptable to your parents, let them figure out another plan that will work. Keeping your emotions out of it and standing firm will probably work a lot better than getting upset or yelling at them about how it isn't fair (because I know that's what a lot of us want to do most of the time!). Showing them that you are an adult who is paying for her own wedding and who owns a home is showing them that you can make your own decisions and they cannot make them for you -- especially this one.
Good luck, and let us know how it works out!
I agree with everyone else!
This is definitely one of those wedding things that tops the whole guest list ordeal for me! I don't think I ever imagined being in this scenario at all in all my months of planning, but if nothing else, I've learned you can't forsee everything!
I respect my parents greatly, but I don't agree with much of their opinions on things as I feel I have become much more Americanized than they have in their 40 years here. I am in no way denying my Chinese heritage, but it's hard explaining to your parents why a honeymoon period is essential after a wedding. As sad as it is, the truth of the matter is, my parents don't see planning a wedding as stressful at all. Not that they will extend a hand to help, but boy do they have ideas, opinions, and suggestions the whole way through!
I am grateful for the Hive to allowing me to vent and sharing all your wonderful ideas with me so I don't go insane in the interim. Picking my battles with my parents will be a constant test of my patience, but ultimately, they are my parents and when push comes to shove, it's one day out of the rest of my life! I assure you all that I will keep you all posted on the outcome. It may be a while as my wedding isn't until March, but I assure you there will be more drama to come! Stay tuned for more adventures in the wonderful life of Miss Bluebear! =)
I know I'm just stating what everyone else has said, but I felt I needed to. NO! Do not let them stay. Would your parents expect you to house guests after you have had a child? In my mind, this is kind of the same thing. It's a life changing experience and one that requires some downtime and adjustment - and a houseful of relatives IS NOT AN OPTION. Dear lord, if I had to deal with my relatives before, during and after my wedding, I may not have any family left.
I can't believe any of them actually accepted the arrangement. I would be so totally uncomfortable staying at the house of the bride and the groom, even if you are a "stuff them all in" family.
I'd say, like others have said, check into group discounts at hotels and tell your parents that this isn't something up for discussion - it's not happening. Or tell them that everyone can stay at THEIR house!
Hi Miss BlueBear, my family is the same way about saving. They wondered why it was so expensive to have a wedding here when in Mexico you just have it in your backyard and all the aunts cook (I didn't let fam go there. Hubby is white and it would have been weird for 85% of the guests!)
Well, long story short, I did have people that I knew were going to have a hard time financially so this is what I did:
-I arranged for rides for people from close locations (as the place was difficult to get to using public transport.
Problem: Just make sure that the ones without the car know that they have to chip in...i was horribly embarrased last week when I found out that a friend of mine who begged for a ride didn't even bother asking to pay for gas! Well, this is also from the person that didn't bother telling me her date wasn't coming until the day before...
-Sharing of hotel rooms helps (as <span class="postby">chrissie mentioned): It works best when they know each other already (family) and friends from college.
Please, do say NO to the parents. Your first night should be yours and yours only. Having relatives there on your first night/morning would probably resemble one of those old archaic traditions where they would check if the marriage has been consummated.
So I thought I'd give you all an update on this matter that I posted about a few weeks ago...
I have convinced my parents that my FI and I will not be hosting anyone at our house for the wedding...and while they have accepted that part...they have now decided that my two cousins that are flying in from Austrailia should stay with us in our hotel room the night of the wedding because they will not have anywhere to go. (yes, you read correctly, stay with my FI and I on the night of our wedding in the same room!)
Now, I should clarify that I love these two cousins dearly and I understand they are traveling quite a bit to come to our big day, but to have them in our Hotel room the night of our wedding? That seems a bit much. My mom suggested the second option be we pay for their stay that night (which is over $300 a night at the hotel) since my sister and cousin in law (which my mom has offered to relatives to stay in despite not having asked them yet) have already made arrangements at a hotel to stay over., my mom feels that what's two more people in a room going to do? And yes, I did tell her that I DID NOT pay for the hotel rooms of anybody else except for my FI and I, but that does not seem to matter to her because she feels we should make an exception for these cousins. WTF?!
I don't remember the last time I went to a wedding and the Bride and Groom had to take care of ALL the arrangements. I feel like I'm planning a huge family vacation more than my own wedding because I am now apparently responsible for living arrangements and travel arrangements for all guests. This is overwhelming and extremely frustrating.
Of course my FI doesn't quite understand the pressure and he suggests perhaps we just pay for the stay, but now it's not a matter of the money anymore, but of principal. Why is it suddenly my responsiblility to get everyone fully settled? When was the last time someone checked on my sanity. I feel so left out in the cold.
I should add that on top of my own family, I have been volunteered to find arrange airfare for my FI's grandma, her sister and husband flying in from HK for the wedding. It's frustrating and so stressful to have to coordinate all of this without the help or consideration of anyone around me.
I plead to you weddingbee community to help me keep my sanity through all this because I feel very close to losing it all!
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OMG tell them no - can't you explain that you want to be alone after your wedding? Are they really that thick headed that they may not understand this? If they want to have people stay why don't they offer up their house.
I would be a screaming lunatic at this point. I would flatly say no and explain to the people who would be staying with you that you and your new husband would like some time alone after the wedding. The lot of these people have to understand that - shoulnd't they?
Amber
No, no, no. Just say no. If they can't afford to come they should just send a present! How frustrating for you. I'm with Sweeney, I'd be a raving lunatic.
Hi Bluebear,
I'm not sure what the financial situation is about who is paying for the wedding, but if you and your FI are paying for stuff, I definitely think you should draw the boundaries about paying for the hotel, or arranging the airfare. It gets a little tricky when the parents have their pocketbooks open to help, however, since often times money = people feeling as though they have a say in the decision making.
Can you politely decline? Perhaps you could give your parents a list of the billion things you have to do and ask them which of those tasks they would like to pick up, now that they want you to add more to your plate? :-)
Keep us posted and good luck!
I think at this point, you should just say, "On our wedding night, my husband and I are going to go at it like rabbits, and if you want our cousins to watch, I'm sure everyone will understand."
Why don't your parents pay, if they're so concerned? And, since really in Chinese culture the groom's family should pay for the wedding, why don't you suggest they call your FI's parents and ask THEM to pay? My family is Chinese, too, and my parents would never under any conditions ask me to do any of these things.
Can't you call your cousins and tell them that they can't stay with you, they should ignore whatever the heck your mother is telling them and then give them hotel info so they can make their own arrangements? Everyone in your family can't be a crazy as your parents! Just circumvent them as much as possible.
I think writing it off to cultural stuff is letting them off the hook. I don't know of any cultures that would put relatives with newlyweds on their wedding night. It just sounds like your family is being inconsiderate. I don't care if they're paying - that's for the wedding, not for your home/hotel room, right? You should have jurisdiction over these areas.
I guess to clarify, yes my FI and I are paying for the entire wedding by ourselves. Neither side will be chipping in financially for anything. My parents have already arranged for 3 families to stay with them in their 3 bedroom apartment, but have run out of room, hence the volunteering of other people's homes.
My parents are also extremely traditional in the sense that they feel I as a daughter should dutifully perform all that they ask of me because I am their child. Of course, with that said, I am also a very stubborn gal that does not like having things stuffed down my throat, so we tend to bump heads on things quite often.
Many of what my parents consider family are realistically people I see once a year, if even that, but that's a whole other battle. I guess to be fair, my parents feel that to be a good host is to be sure everyone is taken care of. What they fail to acknowledge is that I am marrying into another family. I will have other obligations other than to have my FI chauffer around my family...but they do not acknowledge that. Ever feel like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place?! And yes, I will not lie, financials also play a lot into it. We simply do not have the money to throw away on everyone that comes. We have a mortgage, two dogs, a car, and bills galore and we simply can't afford to fulfill the duties the way my parents feel we should do because everyone is traveling to come to our wedding.
I guess the bulk of my frustrations come from the fact that they don't understand how everything could possibly cost that much and they are under the impression that my FI is making a 6 digit salary and he should therefore be comfortable maintaining the lifestyle my parents wish they had. But we work very hard to be "comfortable" and that's not easy living in NYC, but they choose not to see that. If I told you all how much dowry my dad wanted for me, you would all flip your lids! But I will tell you that the amount was very close to a brand BMW...and I am not joking or exaggerating...that is how absolutely ridiculous my parents are....
Anybody wanna trade places with me? Please?!
Awww Miss BlueBear. . . i'm so sorry to hear about all this. I've been there too. My fiance is Japanese so I couldn't believe that they actually ASKED for a bride price for me! Anyway, I think cultural expectations aside, you really need to stand your ground on this one. I know we are supposed to be a good daughter and all, but at some point you just got to sit them down and tell them how YOU are going to run things. And even though that's a hard thing to do, you need to just get it over with for your own sanity else you will become extremely bitter towards them. Do they know how much your wedding costs? If not, maybe you can let them know: "We are already spending more than xxx on the wedding and simply cannot afford to worry about everybody else" Or maybe try letting them know that you will NOT be in charge of accomodations and travel arrangements becuase you need to make sure that there will actually be food at the wedding and so forth. If your parents are traditional, then I'm sure that they realize that you will be marrying into another family. . . this may be a "last chance" for them to hold on to you. If this is the case, then maybe some reassurance that you will always be their daughter? Anyway, sorry this is a long post. . . Goodluck!
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I agree with amysue 100 percent! Either your family members have the money to come (including paying for their own flights and hotel rooms) or they DON'T. If they don't have the money to come, then it's sad but it's their problem and not yours! I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this!!!
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OK, so my FI and I are not exactly going on a honeymoon right after our wedding. As a matter of fact, we will not be going anywhere after our wedding day except to the tranquility of our new house. Unfortunately my parents have other ideas.
Since my parents are inviting many of our relatives from outside NYC to come to our wedding, they have asked me/more told me that they will arrange for a few members of the "family" to stay with us for the duration of their stay. I hate to sound bridezillaish, but I flipped out. My FI and I were looking forward to some peace and quiet after the wedding, but now the idea of having to entertain houseguests is leaving a sour taste in both our mouths.
To be fair, we both intended to take the week off because we both had family in town and wanted to spend time with both sides since they would have traveled from so far. But our idea of spending time meant having lunch/dinner, not spending 24 hours chauffering them around.
My FI is adamantly against the idea, but being the great husband to be that he is, he also said, if it would make my life easier to appease my parents he would go along with whatever I decided. So the ball is in my court. What should I do? Stand my ground and keep my sanity or appease my parents and be miserable? I should also add that chances are many of these relatives will arrive during the last few crucial and hectic days before my wedding and I will not have the time of day to stay home with them. As a matter of fact, my FI and I will be staying at the hotel by our venue the night before, so with possible relatives staying over I will have to hand over my keys or change my plans. Please help me before I cry!