Relatives visiting in-laws–must we go?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Are we obligated to go?
    Yes, for entire dinner : (18 votes)
    56 %
    Yes, for a quick visit : (11 votes)
    34 %
    No, not obligated : (3 votes)
    9 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    3928 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    stressednewlywed:   I didn’t vote, but wanted to share my experience.  My DH also has distant family, and the first time I met several of them I was terrified (I’m VERY shy).  Much to my surprise I really, really got along well with some of his relatives and now feel as if I have a new set of great friends.  Moral of the story – you never know!!  

    Post # 3
    Member
    2913 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

    I would go. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    812 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo

    I think you have to stop in and say hi. But maybe you had pre-existing plans but can come by for dessert/a drink before dinner/etc. But unless you have a rock-solid reason that you are tied up all weekend, I think you have to check in. Sorry. Just go into it with a ‘well we have plans/tickets/reservations to do X at Y time, so we have to leave no later than Y-30.’

    Post # 5
    Member
    954 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    stressednewlywed:  I would go. You’ve never met these people before, so you can’t say for sure it’ll be awkward. They might be great people! And if it is awkward, have an excuse ready to go to be able to leave early!

    Post # 6
    Member
    3344 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

    What’s your opposition to going?  And how do you know whether or not your DH’s family is close to their other relatives?  Honestly, your post comes off really entitled and judgmental.  If you don’t want to be around your DH’s family and don’t care about their feelings or having them in your lives at all, then by all means don’t go.  I personally think you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.  One evening getting to know extended family can’t possibly cause that much “undue stress and frustration.”

    Post # 7
    Member
    2865 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Unless these visits are toxic (IE they spend the entire time degradding you, your beliefs or similar) not going is really only going to cause more headaches in the future.  At the least you will hurt your DH’s parent’s feelings. It’s not bad to go, say hi, but have an excuse ready. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    2272 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

    How does your husband feel?  I would probably be polite & just go for like a drink before dinner or something & just say you’d love to stay, but you two already had a prior engagement.

    Post # 10
    Member
    812 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo

    stressednewlywed:  Boo! Well, maybe they’ll go to a museum or something and you can go but not really have to talk to them much. Or one dinner? I think that’s all anyone can expect.

    Post # 14
    Member
    865 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I feel your pain.

    My FI is an only child…but his father is one of 13 so he has tonnes of cousins.  I find the family very cliquey and not very friendly to strangers.   I’ve been with FI 5 years now and doubt that the ones he is supposedly ‘close’ to even know my last name…like yourself,  I find these situations very stressful, and being bipolar, they really don’t help my condition.

    I also find the pretence of closeness extremely irritating.  FFIL is the worst for it.  I think he does it because he’s disappointed with the reality of the situtation, so it is easier to pretend.

    As it is your DH’s family, I would let him decide. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    3344 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

    stressednewlywed:  You can’t expect me to give perfect advice on things you don’t fully explain.  From reading only your original post, you came off as entitled and judgmental to me.  You didn’t say anything about these people being consistently rude to you despite your best efforts.  With the new information you’ve added, I can better understand your frustration.  But it all boils down to whether or not you want to have a relationship with these people.  If you do, then you should continue to make an effort to win them over.  If you and your DH decide you’d rather cut your losses and don’t need their negativity in your life, then decline and free yourself from all future obligations by cutting them out of your life.  I don’t really see another option.  Have you tried having a heart to heart with them and asking why they treat you this way?  Has your DH ever stood up for you when they’ve said something mean?

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