Here’s the sitch: SO and I have been together for 7 1/2 years (never lived together), and have been LD for a year or so because I’m finishing up my last year of school. Once I’m done I’ll be moving back to my hometown (where SO has bought a condo) and the plan is to move in with him. I should also mention that we are planning on being engaged before July 2013 (we had the ‘timeline’ talk this year).
The dilemna is that my parents are religious. And while I love them to death, moving in with him even if we’re engaged is still going to be a ‘thing’ and I’m kind of stressing on how to approach it. I’ve broached the subject with them before and gotten the “well we’d really rather you not…” and “that’s not appropriate…” feedback.
I’m wondering: for those of you who’ve experienced something similar, how did you have the conversation? What were the results?
If you’re not living under your parent’s roof, they have no power. You’re an adult and you make your own choices. I would just tell them how it is and let them know that you hope that they can accept that.
I’m Christian, but c’mon you have to draw the line somewhere. My SIL who was in a 7 year long relationship with her boyfriend (now husband), lived with him for almost that long, was 29 years old and had long since moved out was not allowed to sleep in the same room with him when she visited until last year when they got married. I though it was embarassingly ridiculous. At some point you have you accept that your adult children have obviously chosen their own path and you should stop trying to control it.
Approach it like the adult you are, and live your live via your own choices and preferences. It’s not their decision, and it’s really important that you stand up for your new family unit by doing what you think is best.
Being told that living with your future husband is inappropriate just grinds my gears. We’re going through the same thing: engaged, together for 7 years, and his parents are all “blah blah not appropriate.”
Okay, so your teenage daughter getting pregnant by some random dude IS appropriate? Ugh >>;
@m-joy: When my SO moved cross-country and we moved in together, my very-religious parents:
* blamed themselves for insufficient moral education in my youth
* warned me that god would withdraw his blessings in my life because of my “adultery”
* didn’t speak to me for 6 months, but sent me a book about proper christ-centric sexuality
They eventually got tired of spending holidays alone, and after 3 years, we have a warm but slightly strained relationship. They still refer to SO as my “friend” since we are not married. I find it all funny nowadays.
Good luck with the talk. I am sure your parents love you and want the best for you, and their views are just influenced by their worldview and history. Do what you know in your heart is right, and your parents will see that you’re happy and healthy taking this step with your partner.
Beeeeen theeerreee. FI’s family is super-religious.
We moved in together anyway. (This was a couple years ago.) You’re an adult. Do what’s right for you and don’t let someone else’s religion (assuming it’s not yours since you want to move in with him) get in your way. If you aren’t living with your parents, what sway can they have? Honestly, they might not like it, but they’ll deal with it. They won’t disown you, probably…
In our case, we were denied all help with moving his stuff, which was a pain since we don’t have a car, but fortunately he didn’t have more stuff than could be transported in suitcases. There was some unplesantness for awhile but it SEEMS like everyone’s gotten over it? Nobody held a grudge though, as far as I can tell. They were quite pleased to hear we were getting married when we got engaged recently.
The conversation approach was very blunt. He told them where I got a job, and that we were looking for an apartment there to live in together. I advise you be very polite but firm and slightly detached. They may argue or wail, but you simply remind them that you care about them, and thats why you’re even talking to them about it at all, but it’s not up for negotiation. Just stand steady in the face of whatever emotions they throw at you. If they get upset or hang up, don’t call them back, just wait for them to come around.
They need to see you aren’t asking for their permission or their approval, just informing them of the reality (which will happen no matter how much they disapprove) as a courtesy.
I just finished school in May and SO has one online class left to go. In June he moved 400 miles away from our hometown to live with me. His very religious Mother threw a fit about it. Her favorite phrase was ‘living in sin’. I thought it was incredibly hipocirtical of her considering she bought a trailer so that her underaged daughter could live with the guy who knocked her up prior to their getting married. Basically SO put his foot down and said either you accept this and accept Eckle or you will lose me. She still grumbled and refused to help him move, so his dad helped him and now we live together. She seems to have gotten over it for the most part. Thanksgiving should be fine, but he is proposing before Chirstmas so we may be up for some more drama then. (His religious mother and grandmother don’t like the idea of him marrying an atheist.)
My parents were the same way and I moved to be with my boyrfirend before we moved in together my parents came to town. We took them to dinner and explained finaces to them and saving for the wedding and everything and then said we have decided to move in together we did not ask we simply told them. My dad was proud of me for discussing it and he ended up being a huge supporter it turned out great.
I had to tell my parents I was moving in with my bf of 2.5 months…can you imagine how that went down? My dad is a pastor and my mom is really traditional. They got married before they lived together and even jumped the gun by two weeks so they could get an apartment lease signed as a married couple and not an engaged one. Anyway, I was really nervous about telling them, but they accepted it and didn’t really say much about it. I honestly wouldn’t have moved in with my now-FI if there was any logical way to financially survive. I was working part-time, living in a different country and where I was flatting at the time it all kind of fell apart. It’s worked out though and as I realize that it’s been 1 year since I moved in with my FI, I can’t imagine how our relationship would have been had I found other living arrangements. We’re getting married in 100 days and my parents have dealt with the fact that I “live in sin.”:)
I say just tell them, but be prepared for adverse reactions. Don’t back down and cave in, but realize that it might take them a lot of time to deal with this fact.
My parents were okay with moving in, but my naive mom thought that we were sleeping in separate bedrooms. Oh mom.
I’m all about being respectful of your parents but my theory is that if they aren’t financing your life, and you’re an adult, they don’t get any say. You tell them, as an adult, that you and your SO are moving in together.
My parents were pretty chill about the whole thing, hell, my dad/stepmom didn’t get married until she was 8 months pregnant with my sister so they really couldn’t say anything.
My brother’s girlfriend moved in with him, and shit hit the fan with her parents. Never-mind the fact that she was an adult who had been living on her own every bit of 4-5 years since college with no financial assistance from them. They’re really conservative and made a big deal out of it. Her mom came around quickly (I don’t think she was that opposed to it, but wasn’t allowed to disagree with her husband). Here dad didn’t talk to her for months. He does now, but it’s strained.
Ironically her mother told her to be careful because she didn’t want to end up like me (living together, unmarried…oh the horror!). Yes, because being me would be so horrible?
My parents are also fairly religious and I was a bit apprehensive about telling them I would be moving in with my boyfriend. I was pretty firm and let them know that is what I planned to do, rather than asking if it was okay with them. At first they expressed embarassment and concern about what others would think, but after I stressed how much safer I would feel living with him than living alone, they warmed up to the idea. After we moved in, I continually reinforced how happy I was, how great it was to have someone to take me to the doctor, etc. and by the time my sister moved in with her boyfriend a year later they didn’t bat an eyelash.
Are you me? Because wow, that’s like us!
We are living together and have been for 5+ years (have been together for 7 1/2 years now). My parents are religious Jews but kept quiet*, his are very religious Irish Catholic and were less quiet.
The short of it is, they won’t like it. But once you do it, they’ll see you aren’t going to change their mind and if they’re anything like our families, they’ll quietly create their own fantasy worlds where you are just roommates, sleeping in separate beds and not together. This is your life, not theirs and if they raise too much of a fuss, you need to make sure they remember that.
*My parents were against us moving in together. But then again, they moved in together before marriage at age 19 and got married twice, once was eloping to appease his family (who didn’t want them living together before marriage) and once a year later to appease her family (who wanted them to live together first).
Thank you for posting this. I am going through the exact same thing. We are LDR and want to close the gap but there is no way to do that without moving in together. I love and respect my parents and this is not an ideal situation for us but necessary for our relationship. Reading these responses has been helpful and enlightening.
This is the opposite of me…my dad moved into my mom’s appartment on DAY 2 of knowing eachother….it took my SO and I 3.5 years.
My mom only wanted to make sure that we both could afford it and I could afford it on my own if (heaven forbid) we ever broke up or he lost his job. and that i wouldn’t have to move back into her house
my Parents freaked! and it was hell for about 6 months.
And I honestly wish we hadn’t lived together before the wedding. I think it took away alot!
everyone is like how is the married life and I’m just like…. same as before but now I have a differnt last name.