- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2012
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. In my opinion, he’s being completely selfish. He should be proud to walk his daughter down the aisle, regardless of his personal feelings. He should put them aside and be there for you 100%.
@dinosaurcat: I’m so sorry your father and stepmother are being so childish. My parents are also divorced/remarried, but they both walked me down the aisle together. Could you try calmly talking to your dad and stepmother together and explaining that the walk in doesn’t symbolize your parents’ relationship to each other; it symbolizes their relationship to YOU. They’re both still your parents, even if they’re not each other’s spouses, and it’s important to you to honor both of them that way. If they’re that obsessed with the symbolism of it, point out that they would be physically separated by you, so it’s not like they’re walking in together.
@dinosaurcat: Im sorry you have to deal with this. Your father should be thinking about you on ur day not himself.
My parents have been divorced for 20 years. Im 20 years old btw. haha but My father is walking me down the aisle along with my older brother who is from a previous marriage before my dad. So im lucky my dad has agreed to do it we havn’t ever been extremely close and have had a complicated relationship but i guess im lucky he is thinking about me and not himself!
I would just talk to your dad about it and tell him its ur day and you want both of them walking you down b.c even if he is remarried your parents are still the ones giving you away. Maybe explain it to him like that?
I agree with PPs.
OP, when you talk to him (and step-mom), emphasize the fact that this is about your relationship with him and your relationship with your mother. It is not about their feelings toward one another in any way, and you’d appreciate it if they can set issues aside for 2 minutes tops to support you on your walk down the aisle.
I agree I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Weddings do not bring out the good side of people sometimes. I think if it were me I would say to him that it is important for both of them to walk you down the asile and you would appreciate it if he could put his personal feelings about Mom aside for 1 day, act like an adult and do this for you.
I think since this is not the traditional way of doing things that might be why you are getting resistance. Have you voiced in the past that you wanted your parents together? If you have that might be where your stepmother is coming from. I come from divorced parents so I understand how difficult it can be.
It seems that there are a few of us that experience this when we have divorced parents – myself included as my mother is not taking it too well that I even invited my father and wife (who he has been now married to longer than he was my mother!). That being said, you cannot make your father do anything he wants BUT he should also respect your request.
I told my mother that whoever could not be adult enough to put aside their feelings for MY day then perhaps they should not be there – extreme yes, but if someone is there form themselves and not myself and Fiance then I don’t see then as a loss if they are not!
Tell your step mother who seems to be a controlling factor in this – that you are aware that she is NOW his wife and you respect this but that you were born form your mother and father and as such would like for them for 1 minute to walk together.
I have a friend who has been divorced for close to 15 years — and is remarried. His youngest daughter was married last year, and, at her request, both my friend and his ex-wife walked their daughter down the aisle.
Also, I am married to someone who is divorced, and, if my stepdaughter (who actually is getting married later this year) had asked both of her parents to do this, I would not have objected in any way. Her father and mother are no longer married to each other, but they are — and always will be — her parents.
Your father and mother both walking you down the aisle (one on each side of you) would not in any way discount or negate your father and stepmother’s marriage. Your parents would not be doing this as “Mr. and Mrs. Dinosaurcat.” They would be doing this as your mother and father, whom they still are, regardless of the divorce. I believe your stepmother is incorrect in this scenario, and I am a stepmother myself.
Now, what WOULD be wrong, in my opinion, is if your father and stepmother and your mother are all paying for thte wedding but your invitations would list only your parents and not your stepmother as the hosts of your wedding. That would be inappropriate, as your father and stepmother are now “one” in marriage and must be considered a social unit. However, the act of giving you, their daughter, away, by walking you down the aisle is not showcasing them as a social unit but, rather, as your individual parents.
I hope your stepmother and your father reconsider their decision about this.
I think it is fair to ask your dad to walk you down the isle with your mother. I also think it is fair for your dad to decline the offer. There is no reason why he should have to walk with your mother. It’s understandable that you would want them both to walk you down together, but it’s obviously something he is not comforatable with which is also understandable.
My parents are divorced for about 20 years now, dad remarried and mom isn’t. There is no way I would even ask mom and dad to walk me down as a family unit. Not trying to offend you, but it seems unfair to dad and step-mom.
I’m not sure about your relationship with your step-mom, but maybe you could have your step mom and dad walk down together, and then have your mom walk with you? Not sure how that works for you, but it’s an option. Or do the half-way thing as your dad suggested.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. How childish and selfish of them. I like mightywombat’s wording for a conversation with your dad. I’d say have a private chat with just him and then one with him and his wife.
Although smart-alec me would want to ask your stepmom exactly how him walking you down the aisle with your mom voids a 10 year marriage…
Okay, here’s my suggestion:
Buy a lovely card for your dad and write something similar to the following inside: “Dad, with my upcoming wedding plans on my mind, I’ve found myself thinking of how important my relationship with you is to me, and how even when I am married I will always be your little girl. I can’t imagine my wedding day feeling complete without you and my mom walking me down the aisle. I know you have reservations about this and would prefer to walk me half way with mom walking me the other half, but it would make me so happy if you could set aside your preference for the few short minutes the walk down the aisle will take. Please think about it.”
Is there some tiny gesture of respect you could make to your Stepmom that would help her feel better about this? I don’t think you should “have” to, and I think it’s sad that she is so insecure about her relationship with your dad, and in an ideal world she would leave his relationship with you alone and keep her feelings out of it. But that’s not happening. Sadly.
Coming from a soon-to-be step-mom:
What your father and his wife are saying is childish and selfish. Your parents will always be your parents, regardless of divorce, remarriage, etc. When my fiance’s 2 daughters get married, I would have no issues with their dad (soon to be my husband) and their mom walking them down the aisle. It means that these 2 people, your mom and dad, who are directly responsible for your existence, are giving you away (please excuse the archaic term) to your fiance to start your new family with him.
And if they’ve been married for 10 YEARS, I’m pretty sure everyone knows it. No one is going to assume that your parents are getting back together or that your dad and his wife have voided their marriage. That’s just silly, immature, and selfish. Someone needs to get over herself and not get in the way of a meaningful tradition that really has nothing to do with her.
Hugs to you! I’m sorry your dad and his wife are being difficult about this. I wish you the best of luck in solving this dilemma.
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