(Closed) Replacing a Bridesmaid

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
9609 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

I think it would be very obvious that she was only a replacement, and she would be very hurt. Your FI is being ridiculous about the sides being even, ask him what he would prefer: even sides or keeping his friendship with this girl intact? Because guaranteed asking her as a replacement bridesmaid will make things weird between them

Post # 5
Member
9609 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

@MissKit:  It wouldn’t necessarily ruin their friendship but it would make things awkward, as she is only a last minute stand in. She wasn’t a first choice right? You wouldn’t have chosen her if this other bridesmaid didn’t step down? But that’s just my opinion, she might be thrilled. 

Post # 6
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

you could present it to her as, you made a mistake, and shouldn’t have chosen the first bridesmaid you originally did, and realized you would rather have her there maybe?  I’m not sure how sensitive this girl is, but you could present it in a way that YOU decided that you wanted the people who were most important to you and your FI, and she is one of them.  And not necessarily say the other BM stepped down, but moreover you asked her to step down.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If I  was in this situation I would still be honored to have been thought of as a replacement?? I dont get how that is hurtful?

Post # 8
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Maybe have your FI ask her?  Obviously they’re friends and if she cares for him she would love to be in the wedding.  He could say “A bridesmaid we had didn’t work out.  You were the first person we thought of and would you do us the honour of being in the bridal party?”  As long as you treat her like you would anyone else, I’m sure she won’t be offended.  It’s all about HOW you ask, you know?  “I would be honoured if you would join our bridal party” vs “We need to even out the numbers and you’re the only other girl we know so get dressed!”  You will be fine, and trust that your FI’s friend will be mature and gracious.  Besides, you may get to know her better and get one more great friend!  So much better than a BM who can’t be bothered.
All the best, and don’t worry, things will work out! 

Post # 11
Member
9609 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

@MissKit:  It is infinitely better to ask her as a replacement BM than to ask a GM to step down 🙂

Post # 12
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@sakurabean:   Obviously they’re friends and if she cares for him she would love to be in the wedding.

You will be fine, and trust that your FI’s friend will be mature and gracious.

Uh what? Just because someone cares for someone does not mean that she should LOVE to be in the wedding, especially not when no matter HOW you phrase it, she is a replacement bridesmaid. Also, please explain why she should be gracious about being asked to be a replacement bridesmaid? No, just no. This girl has absolutely NO obligation to be this bride’s bridesmaid. Seriously, not every girl in the world WANTS to be a bridesmaid.
 

OP: “Do you think she’d feel like a “backup” and not really like it’s an honour”
Yes, I think she’d feel like a backup. No matter how pretty you phrase it, she is still a backup. It is certainly not the HONOUR of any bridesmaid to be in your wedding. It is YOUR honour to have them. YOU should be the one who is greatful they are in your wedding. They should not be greatful to be in your wedding. With that in mind, understand that your wedding isn’t that big a deal to everyone, even your bridesmaids. What are you messaging her about? How about you step up and talk to her about it BEFORE you do something as rude as what you’re considering?

 

Post # 13
Member
7309 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MissKit:  If I were the FI’s friend, I would not be offended at all. I like one PP’s advice to have FI ask her, rather than the one that suggested you pretend like you just realized she’s been your bestie all along. Your real situation is totally understandable — typically the bride picks her own friends to be bridesmaids so there is no reason for the groom’s friend to be offended at not being asked. If you lie to her though, and she finds out later what really happened, well THEN she’s got reason to be offended and embarassed. 

Post # 14
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@wbg21:  I never suggested that every girl DESPERATELY wants to be in a wedding party.  Obviously her original bridesmaid doesn’t want to be.  But you don’t know this girl any better than I do, so we’re both making assumptions.  She might be dying to be a bridesmaid, might want nothing to do with it, or could be anywhere on the spectrum in between.  I was merely suggesting my opinion that since she is friends with the groom she might love the chance to be there for him.  That is my OPINION, but like I say, I can’t know for sure.  I’m just trying to offer my point of view to the original poster, since that’s what she asked.
Also, I think you might be misconstruing my using of the word “gracious”.  Gracious just means pleasant, polite, and courteous.  I don’t mean she should throw herself at the feet of the bride, and kiss the very ground she walks on for being asked to be a bridesmaid.  She could graciously refuse.  I’m just saying she, as a mature adult, will probably understand where the bride is coming from.  She might not fly into an angry rage because how dare the bride even ask her to be a *gasp* replacement!!!!  The OP WILL have to trust that is and when they ask, the girl will be mature and gracious enough to understand the situation, and make whatever decision she wants from there, be it “yes I will be in your wedding”, or “no thank you I’d rather not”.  Hope that clears things up for you 🙂

Post # 15
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@MissKit:  Going to her together is a good idea.  I can understand why people might be upset about being a replacement but I wouldn’t be if I knew that I was genuinely wanted, not just filling out a number.  Treat her like all your friends and hopefully you’ll grow closer!

Post # 16
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Nel13:  Yeah me too lol. I dont have time to be getting hurt feelings about every little thing. If one of my friends asked me to stand in the wedding as a last minute thing, I would happily do it…. just as long as I didnt have to pay a lot of $$$.

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