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It seems like the columnist seems to approach the bridesmaid situatation as a bride having a certain number of slots to fill. I never understood that.
Yeah, that would really go over well with newly-hormonal moms-to-be, yeesh! Terrible idea! When my girlfriend called to tell me their good news, I let her address the issue. She is too far away and due too close to travel, so it was her idea to bow out.
Ask them about ordering the dress in a different size or if they still think they'd be up to it. Telling them 'Why don't I find a replacement" is going to go over like a lead baloon!
I have to say - I don't think this is absurd. She's not saying "Oh my gosh, they're going to make my pictures look so bad!!!" She's saying that they're due within days of her wedding, and I'm guessing she's worrying about ending up not having bridesmaids at all. If I found out I was pregnant and due within days of a friend's wedding, I'd offer to bow out - because if their babies deliver on time, they won't be able to come.
I emailed the columnist my opinion. Once you ask someone to be a bridesmaid, short of her setting the house on fire or sleeping with the groom, you just can't take it back!!!
A better thing to do would be to put a chair on stage if she can make it, and if she can't, she'll be there in spirit. For heaven's sake - is matching sides really that important??
Wow! I would leave it up to the BM whether she wanted to back out or not - it's not like she's just some random - geez! She's (hopefully) someone the bride is close to and cares about!
I didn't expect my bridesmaids to do any "work" for me. what an insult.
I never did get the "I want to fire my pregnant bridesmaid" attitude. are you that worried that she will gain weight? are you worried that she can't attend and therefore your wedding party will be "uneven"? seems like your friendsip should rise above such shallow concerns.
I can understand if the bridesmaid is due really close to the wedding and you don't want her to go in labor AT the altar. but that's just about the only reason why I might ask somebody to not be a bridesmaid.
I think the BRIDESMAID should be the one to decide if she wants to step down or if she feels she will not be able to perform her duties. These girls can be looking forward to sharing the day with them and being in their wedding. The baby can arrive early or late...you can never tell with these things. Regardless, she is pregnant, but there are nicer ways of going about it...
WAIT did you guys read the rest of this: And don’t be so sure about that “screaming” bachelorette party, either. Perhaps you could schedule it for one of the women’s actual due dates — and persuade her to forgo an epidural?
I know it's your wedding and it's your day but telling a soon to be MOTHER to forgo an epidural or schedule it when the baby is due...sorry but not all pregnancies work like clock work and also, regardless if the women were pregnant..bachelorette parties don't have to be all about being drunken and belligerent....
@ashleyyyg: I would take that suggestion (the screaming part) as tongue-in-cheek.. but I totally agree with your first point.
I am not getting this.
The bridesmaids may not make the wedding, which is the main point, due to their due date. A bridesmaids stand up for you while you are getting married. If there is a chance that they can't stand up at the wedding, then they shouldn't be bridesmaids. (I think its an aside the whole bachlorette piece)
I bet the columnist would have had other advice if the due date was 2 months after the wedding date.
What a dumbass. She should have a talk with the BMs. How do they feel, do they want to step back? Because they might be dumping money into dresses/hotel/tickets that they are not able to use. If they want to go ahead with it, it should be their choice.
I don't really see the problem. If the BMs are truly due right around the wedding date, they may not feel comfortable commiting to stand up for an event they most likely won't be able to attend anyway, and this opens up the door to talking about it without feeling like they are letting the bride down after previously commiting. I am pregnant and have to miss one of my very best friend's weddings, because I'm due 2 weeks later and it's in California (I live in Washington). It's just how it is, I personally wouldn't have been offended if I had been in her wedding party and she asked me to step down due to the fact I can't be there.
What a horrible article. Friends are friends for a reason! It's not a beauty contest!
Did you allr ead the same thing I did? I think the issue here is that they are due within DAYS of her wedding, not that she doesn't want pregnant bridesmaids.
Although, the better advice would be to ask them how they feel about it and let them decide.
Several years ago my BFF asked me to be her MOH. We had been besties since the 7th grade (still are) and it was obvious that we would stand up for each other when our respective Big Days came. Her wedding was scheduled for June 9th, and the October before I found out I was pregnant and due on June 10th!! She never ONCE mentioned the thought of replacing me. If she had such a thought, I never knew it! Since she was so early in the planning process, she and her FH decided to move their wedding UP to January so there would be no chance that I would not make it to the wedding.
Now that, ladies, is a BFF!
I think it is perfectly legitimate to replace any pregnant bridesmaid. Too much of pregnancy is unknown. At my sister's wedding her MOH ended up hospitalised a full 2 months before the wedding and delivered the morning after the wedding. (who could have guessed?) The bride was a wreck worried about her friend, was crying at the rehearsal..come on, being a bridesmaid is work and requires some committment.
Is the point of BMs not to have your closest friends with you on your wedding day? I know if I were replaced as a BM, pregnant or not, it would be super offensive. There is a difference in bowing out because you might actually be in labor during the wedding and being replaced... Bridesmaids are people, not props! If you want pretty, perfect props, buy a plant.
Hmmm... maybe I'm not clear on this. But if 2 of my bridesmaids were due within days of my wedding, I'd totally give them an out if they didn't want to sign up for that responsibility. The weeks before your due date is time for mental preparation and rest. I wouldn't want to be in a wedding 9 months pregnant, it would just be a lot to take on with my mind on other things.
Maybe I am the only one but I think the advice column is good. A nine month pregnant woman is in no shape to be a bridesmaid. She has much greater concerns that close to delivery. It isn't about looks. It is about what is best for the baby. If the bridesmaids were only 7 months along it would be a totally different situation. Concerns for the hen party be damned cause pregnant women make the best designated drivers.
Are we reading the same thing or is there a hidden message here? First off, I read Social Q's and Dear Prudence every week and they have a way of answering questions. Social Q's guy sometimes gets a bit snarky but he's a New Yorker so he's allowed (see his advice on the bachelorette party). Anyhow, I don't see anything wrong with this. It's not because they are pregnant, it's because they are DUE within days of the wedding. If they weren't due, I doubt he'd give the same advice. I don't think it's about looks or anything like that. But again, maybe some folks are reading way more into this than I am.
I don't think it's a crazy response either. It's probably not how I would word it, but I wouldn't want to ask a person who had their due date within days of my wedding to drop money on a dress that they won't even know they'll use or have stress that they don't need. Plus, how awful would it be if two of your bms couldn't make it to your wedding, especially if you only had three or four?
@SadieBee:Ditto. At that, I would want the option to politely bow out if I was going to me 9 months and super uncomfy. I think the best option to say they can be honorary bridesmaids, but the bride understands that baby comes first.
And... who cares the # of bridesmaids?
As for the bach party: my bach. party was awesome without everyone needing drinks or a wild time. We had brunch, and those able to drank, and we all had a blast. Then we hung out, and had wine with lunch (some of us) and then got mani/pedis. It rocked!
Yes, I have a similar dilemna. My BM told me in the summer that she and hubby were going to start trying to get preggers this fall. This would mean she could anywhere from not pregnant to a new mom at my wedding next October. I offered her the out. She informed me that she would decide by the end of the year. I really wanted to push the issue as I would like to have the BM dresses ordered by the end of year. I don't think this is fair, but I will wait it out. uggh
I think that the issue was not saying to not let them bow out but to replace them. I think there is a huge difference in saying "I get it, you are about to pop, if you would like to not stand up at the wedding I understand" and "You are about to pop, can I please put someone else in your place as my pretty prop?"
According to Philip Galanes (the author of the column), this issue really is uneven sides. He wrote me back:
"These 2 pregnant gals (whose due dates are ON the wedding day are surely not going to be able to travel). Don't doctors stop flying at 7 or 8 months? So you'd be okay with the lopsided 4 groomsmen and 2 bridesmaids? (I'm not buying it!) :-)" (emphasis mine)
Like I said before - the issue is not really whether or not they should be bridesmaids. It's all about the looks. (Side note - I'm actually really offended that someone could think that I, as a bride, could be so shallow, I would hate a "lopsided" wedding party! I already have one, and no one is pregnant!!)
Honestly, it should be up to the bridesmaids. Once you ask someone to be a bridesmaid, you really can't take it back. You can always just leave their name in the program, and if anyone asks, say, "They just had a baby, so they couldn't make it. But isn't that wonderful?"
ITA that it was a poorly worded response. My bridesmaid is due two months before my wedding. I didn't know when I asked her, but she already knew that she was pregnant. When I found out, I totally gave her the option to bow out of being a bridesmaid and told her not to worry about any of the pre-wedding parties either way. She said that she still wanted to be in the wedding, which I'm excited about, but am not really expecting anything except her showing up in a dress on my wedding day.
@lefeymw: This!
I really don't see what the big "offensive" deal is here. If someone is pregnant and due right near the wedding date, they don't need to be in the wedding. Who knows if they'll go into labor early? Then, they won't be at the wedding at all! So, yes, it would be necessary to either drop or replace (if the bride is really concerned about symmetry) them for planning's sake. Nobody should have to go spend $200 on a dress and deal with fittings if they're not going to end up being there. Ntm, it's not that easy for a woman to predict how big she's gonna be at any certain point in her pregnancy. Yeah, they have those baby bump things to put under the dress, but how do you know how big your boobs are gonna be, and what if you're not as big or bigger than normal at that stage of pregnancy? And yes, BMs have certain responsibilities/obligations. An about to bust pregnant woman should not be expected to do these things.
My FCIL announced she wants to start TTC in December. If things work out, she'd be 7 months by my wedding. I actually asked her if she wanted to back down. I wouldn't say, "You're out of my wedding because you're pregnant." But, I was giving her the opportunity to back out. She said she wanted to be in it, so for now she is. I'll wait until/if she gets pregnant and ask her again. I don't want her feeling obligated to be in my wedding if she's gonna be miserable and moody about it.
I'm kind of in the same boat right now... my BFF and MOH has let it slip that she may be 9 months pregnant by the time my wedding rolls around (they are trying to conceive, and if it works according to plan, she could be very pregnant). I will gladly give her an out if she's unable to make it to the wedding. I'm sorry, but I would not want the responsibility of standing up for my friend while 7 months pregnant or more. It's hard on the body, it's a lot of stress and excitement, and probably not great for mom to be standing all day. It would have nothing to do with pictures or the stagette or anything else - but being that pregnant and having duties to fulfill as MOH or bridesmaid is stressful on even healthy people sometimes - it's a LONG day! And as much as I will be happy for her if their plan works, I would also be worried for her unborn baby. I don't think the advice was off-putting at all - you just give her the option of stepping down, and have a back-up plan if anything happens.
@lefeymw: I couldn't agree more. I think that if theres a chance that they can't be there for any reason, you do get to "take back" your offer, and it shouldnt affect your friendsihp. It's not like you aren't happy for them.
Also, while I dont think that bridesmaids are slaves, I do think they have some sort of responsibility (at least mine will).lol
You also dont want your pregnant bridesmaid to tell you that she will be fine, because she doesnt want to dissapoint, only for her to realize that she can't late in the game.
Here's a novel idea - how about instead of replacing her, if the BM makes a decision to bow out, then you just have one less bridesmaid? Brides need to step off the nuttiness (it is easy for any of us to get wrapped up in our ideal notion of the perfect wedding) and realize that it's OK to be uneven. I would even have something in the wedding program still listing her as a bridesmaid.... I mean, unless the girl is going to be 8-9 months pregnant during your wedding, what are you so worried about? An old relative has just as much of a chance of something medically happening to them at your wedding as someone under 8 months has of going into early labor.
What is the columnist's email? I'd love to write a response to that!
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I couldn't believe my eyes!
From the Social Q's column in the New York Times:
"I am marrying in June. I have four bridesmaids, and two of them have just told me they’re pregnant and their due dates are within days of my wedding. I’m happy for both of them, though disappointed that my bachelorette party will probably not be a screaming good time. I am also worried that they won’t make it to the wedding or help with the planning. How should I approach this? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Alexis, Ottawa
Lead with happiness for the mothers-to-be: “What terrific news!” Because it is, right? Then, segue to your parochial interests: “But if your baby comes on your due date, you won’t be able to attend my wedding. Why don’t I find a replacement bridesmaid now? And if you can still travel on my wedding day, you will be our special guest.”
Hard to imagine anyone’s taking offense at that." (emphasis mine)