Resentful I have a more demanding job

posted 3 years ago in Career
Post # 3
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Tbblount:  what about a career or company change? Work life balance is really important. It’s not fair to resent your fiancé over the choices you have made.

Post # 5
Member
1169 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

While I totally get this, try to reframe it. I am similar to you, I work 10-12 hour days and have a 1.5 hour commute each way. My job is extremely emotionally exhausting. I used to feel angry with my SO, who works a job that is mentally very easy. Instead of resenting him, I tried to learn from what is hard about his job, so I could be empathetic. Then I focus on what’s GOOD about my job. For example – his job is physically demanding. His body is always tired. My job, as hard as it is, is very stimulating. I’m never bored.

Perhaps your SO is bored to tears at his “easy” job? Maybe he doesn’t like his coworkers? There’s always a negative aspect… try having empathy for that part and I think you’ll find the grass isn’t always greener. 

On a side note….if he’s truly got that much more extra time than you, he really should be pulling extra weight in the chores department. As for dinner – do you use a slow cooker? I found that to be a life saver so I can come home and just eat/relax! 

Post # 6
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Are you resentful that you’re working more? Or are you resentful that he isn’t doing as much to make your life easier because you are working more?

Post # 8
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am in a somewhat similar situation. I am working full time and going to grad school full time. I work 3 12’s a week, and when I’m not working, I’m typically doing school work. My job is regularly emotionally and physically exhausting, and I have found that at times I am resentful that my fiancé’s job isn’t as stressful as mine. I also get upset sometimes because my free time is so limited and my fiancé is able to be more social than I am. He’s always going out with our friends and doing what he wants while I am studying. I think it’s natural to have those feelings, but I also realize FI shouldn’t have to stay home and lead a boring life just because I’m busy. For me, this situation is temporary, and I remind myself of how things will be better when I graduate. Maybe you could also set a timeline of how much longer you’re willing to commute before you move closer to your job?

Post # 9
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t understand why you have to make dinner when you are pulling such insane hours.  I am not currently working and my sweetie is paying all household bills right now.  Because of this, I take care of most household stuff (he does trash and his own personal laundry).  It’s only fair.

 

Post # 10
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Try to remind yourself that you chose this career that requires more hours. Your FI didn’t put a gun to your head and force you into this position. It may help to take ownership of your decision and remind yourself that each of you is making the “right” career choice, even though those choices happen to have different levels of time commitment.

For us, the roles are a bit reversed. Mr. Lk is trhe one who is married to his job, and I am the one who takes on more of the housework and child rearing so that he can be as committed to his job as he is. From my point of view it f’ing sucks that my husband gives work so much of his time and energy. Work isn’t there to care for him when he is sick. Work won’t be there to take care of him when he is old. So why does work get the best of his time and energy now while I get the short end of the stick? But then I remind myself that Mr. LK is doing the best that he can, that being great at his job makes him happy, and that this is the right career move for him right now. I shouldn’t begrudge him his career fulfillment, even if I chose a career that allows for more family time. We each make our own choices, and it is our job as a couple to work through the good and the bad of thise choices. Period.

Post # 11
Member
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would talk to your fiance.  Tell him that you’ve been frustrated by your job (NOT that he doesn’t work as much- as others have pointed out, you can’t resent him for the choices you make) and fgure out some way to get some “you” time…get a pedicure, or go to a movie, or just spend a few hours on the couch watching trashy TV.  But talk it out with him- he loves you and wants you to be happy.  You’re a team though, and you need to work together to make sure that both of you are satisfied within the relationship and outside of it.  Don’t bottle all of this up though.  It won’t make it go away.  

Post # 12
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Tbblount:  I’m just trying to figure out why you resent HIM and not YOURSELF for the choices you made to get into this industry. Do you resent that he won’t move before he gets more experience in his field? I’m just trying to get to the root of the problem – why are you upset with HIM for something he didn’t do to you unless there’s something else bothering you that he did do.

ETA: I originally mentioned the “chores” part because you said you come home and cook dinner. I wouldn’t be ok with that if I worked so many more hours. Also, do you have a slowcooker? Those things are lifesavers. Toss in some meat in the morning, come back at night for dinner. Amazing.

Post # 14
Member
1969 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

 I could have written your post myself.  I love my job, but I just don’t see going on like this for the long term.  I don’t have time for personal hobbies and errands, and I don’t know how I would manage if I’m still working like this when we try to start a family in a few years.  Work life balance is very important to me, and since I don’t think I’m going to achieve that with my current company, I’m currently plotting a change.  Not sure if I’m going to leave the industry, but I’m certainly going to leave the company next year.  Its a really good company, but the culture is very intense.  There is an expectation that you are constantly available, and working 10-12 hour days is the norm.  Not to mention I now commute an hour each way. Its just too much for me to continue with.  

 

I wish I had some real advice for your specific situation, but I don’t.  However, I can definitely relate.

 

Post # 15
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Tbblount:  I totally understand why you’re resentful and upset and frustrated. I just don’t get why that energy is focused on your FI and not yourself or your job. Are you upset that he hasn’t chosen the same type of path that will lead the both of you to more money in the future? Are you upset that you are working towards making more money than he will in the future – that is, that you wish he would be making as much or more than you?

You’re right, there is definitely a trade off. I also chose a state job so that I can have quality of life and work-life balance. It’s just not worth the money in the end to be miserable.

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