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YES we went through this and YES you are normal! A lot of wedding blogs out there are all "Do it Together!" IE don't plan a wedding alone, make your fiance help. For us, it just wasn't happening. Partly because we were long distance up until a month before the wedding, partly because I'm a control freak, partly because we were DIY-tastic and fiance (oops now husband) can't draw a straight line, and partly because he felt it was "my show" and he didn't want to "interfere" with my plans. Some days I had major resentment - what I had to learn was: 1. nagging is effective, especially if you can do it in a nice way while simultaneously explaining "why you need Aunt Gertrude's mailing address TODAY" and 2. give him things he can actually do. It took me forever to learn this, but once I did, we worked better together. Good luck - it's a hard situation to be in, because a lot of people would probably say something like "well make him help you" - I know exactly where you're coming from though and know it's not that easy! Hopefully it will get easier as the wedding draws near though!
Oh right there with you. I'm working full time and taking 2 masters classes and wanted to DIY everything. I was talking to FI about this and he's flat out said theres no way he's helping with even putting all the invitations together. AHHHH! He thinks we should just buy it and save the time and headache, and I rather save the money. He's slowly winning this battle though, I just don't think I have the time or patience for it anymore. And he wont do anything until he's pressured to... we booked flights for our Dec vacation in April and I had slowly tried to plan it, and now that its just a month out, he's finally getting started on the parts he was supposed to look into months ago.
Crap! I'm getting married in earl April and we still have not looked at tux/ suit rentals. Should we have done this already?!?!?!
With less time to plan for my wedding -- we have an 8 month span between engagement day and wedding -- I have found myself in your situation. Seemingly, this is not unusual for guys, for they do not get the importance of planning ahead for a dress up party :-)
My fiance took quite some time to get me those addresses for the STD cards, too. Gosh, I felt like a nag even though my request was quite reasonable. Although those were for his friends and family members, I did not want any delays to reflect badly on myself.
What I have been doing, however, is not doing things for him but doing things WITH him. Also, emailing vendors, travel agens while cc'ing my guy has helped.
If this is how your fiance handles most non-work activities, chalk it up this just being who he is and not to him trying to sabotage your wedding plans.
Good luck with graduate school!
Yes completely. My FI also has ADHD and has struggled with it for years. There are a few different websites that you can visit that describe strategies for over coming struggles while in a relationship with someone who has adult ADHD. I don't like to use labels as excuses, but reading this information really helped me to understand the frustrations he feels with organization, time management, and focus. I found out alot of information that I would never have thought about before reading the research. It might be something that you'd like to read up on. Although ADHD isn't a serious medical illness it is something that is often misunderstood and if your FI has a severe case than having some tools in your back pocket might help to get him on the right track. I know for us, sometimes it's as simple as the language I use or the timing I have when presenting new ideas to him. Just something to think about.
Either way if you love him to death you'll make it work. I think most brides get some feelings of resentment or cold feet during the planning process and the days leading up to the wedding because there are a ton of mixed emotions and stress surrounding it all!
Ahhhhh thank you guys! What a relief. I've been feeling like a crazy person! I am slowly learning that I am, after all, a control freak (never saw that coming!). He's wonderful and WANTS to be involved, so I just need to find a more gentle way to let him know what he needs to get done...
@allisonc-- We currently live an hour away from eachother so like you, I can't stand over his shoulder and make sure he pulls his weight in wedding planning...it stinks! And when we're together on the weekends, I don't even want to think about planning! Haha oh well... I guess the engagement is just a test-run of the marriage!
I totally understand what you are going though. I have sort of been going through a similar situation with my guy. Some guys really pick up the wedding planning thing, and others just don't. I definitely think it is time for a serious sit down talk with your FI. Explain to him how you feel stressed and overwhelmed and really need his help. Marriage is all about love, support and respect and honest communication. Communicate to him that you need his support and help with the wedding. He is part of it too. Ask him if there is anything you can do to help him remember to do his share of the tasks. My husband has to put reminders on his phone sometimes, and I am constantly writing him lists. It's frustrating, but I am sure you will figure it out! Good luck, girlie!!!
This is normal. When the wedding gets closer, he'll be like, hey I should do something now lol (like in May hahaha). Most guys are like this... If he's busy with work, maybe ask him if he can delegate to his mom for addresses, make a trip TOGETHER for tux stuff, or have best man look into things. And it's good advice to have him do what he CAN do as a PP said. My husband was all into music and the cake (who knows why), so I had him work on those things. For addresses, my FIL got them all, husband never got around to it. Good luck! It will all come together. And get help for yourself too!!! College, full time work, and a wedding all together is no joke (I did it too). So make sure you give yourself a break every once in a while.
@JamieAnnette: I totally understand NOT wanting to tackle wedding crap when you're together too! It's like a no win situation! The good thing is at the wedding and after, whenever guests commented on how they loved some detail or other, Jam said "Oh Allison did everything" heh heh heh. They do know what's going on and who's doing all the work - and for some guys I'm not sure it "clicks" until they actually see it all come together, which is frustrating, cause that's usually the week before the wedding. Hang in there and know we've got your back!
1) I had the same thought as stacycats about "crap, tux rental?!?" I am also a June 2011 bride and my fiance hasn't even asked his friends to be in the wedding (see my post of a few minutes ago), much less picked out tuxes. Yikes...
2) I feel ya, girl. I have a hard time getting my fiance motivated to do "wedding stuff" too. I know my fiance is excited about getting married and starting our life together. He's just not excited about things like looking over the catering contract, or the floral proposal, or picking a save-the-date layout, or finalizing the guest list. And he's super busy at work. So then I find myself just doing things on my own, because they need to get done, but then he doesn't like it when I "make decisions" without him. I can't win. I am just trying to be understanding, and be gentle in my reminders about what needs to get done. We're not the DIY types, but even if you don't DIY a thing, planning a wedding is a LOT of work, and it's tough to go it alone!
What I did that seemed to help: I made two lists. One with all the stuff i was reponsible for, and one with all the stuff he was responsible for. Obviously mine had a million things on it, and his had about 4. I taped them next to each other on the fridge. Everytime I did something, I crossed it off my list. And everytime he went to get something to eat, he was reminded of all the things I was doing, and all of the things (4!) that he was not. Passive aggressive? Possibly, but my point was made.
This happened to me only a few weeks ago! I had gone to a bridal show in September and many of the limo vendors kept saying "You have a popular day and we are already booking for next summer, so I would secure a booking ASAP." I was panicked because I am in 2 graduate classes and working full-time plus this wedding! Well FI said he would handle transportation and call a few places to check prices and availability and then set up a meeting. AWESOME. I pulled out all the pamphlets I collected at the bridal show, separated out the limo ones, and gave him the stack. He did not even need to look up phone numbers. Seriously...can it get any easier?!
Five weeks later. Not one call has been made. Are you kidding me?! I have asked you to get on this for several weeks after YOU offered to do it and nada. His excuse was that he was busy. Yeah...we're ALL busy! So I grabbed the stack and put it in my purse and went to bed. The next morning, the stack of info was not in my purse. I got a call that morning at work from my FI who had made an appointment to look at a limo that weekend. Hahahaha...sneaky? Yes indeed. But it WORKED!
We are having our wedding at a hotel, and a lot of things are included in the package, like having the ceremony there and the cake. My fiance thinks that that means we don't have to do anything. And everytime I ask him about favors or boutonierres, he says "the reason we are doing it at a hotel is so we don't have to worry", as if they are going to do everything, as if they are going to get his friends from grad school's addresses, as if they are going to figure out the music to play. I didn't even want to have a wedding, I wanted to just go to a chapel in the mountains and then take a honeymoon in New England and go to Maine or something, and he really wanted a wedding. Not only that he really wanted the nicest place in our city, and then is really mad when my parents don't want to help pay at all.
So he wanted a wedding, a nice wedding, and gets mad when I talk about it. So it is in June 2011, and I feel I have quite a bit of it booked and figured out, but quite a bit more to do, and last night he said "no talking about the wedding until January" and I was sort of like "if you don't want me to be stressed out book the officiant and the ceremony music like I asked you to do in August!". So doesn't do what I tell him to do, doesn't want me to be stressed out, actually said we could figure out an ipod playlist to play THE DAY OF......... THE DAY OF? Which again I didn't even want this, but if we are going to have it I want it to be personal, and interesting, and fun, and sincere and heartfelt. So basically we now have a guest list of 155, @$87 a person for just the reception, my parents saying they won't pay, his parents saying they will pay for half, and him saying I spend too much time making things/talking about the wedding. Not to mention if he just had an opinion I wouldn't have to keep trying to figure it out. Not to mention if we actually had a budget I wouldn't have to make everything and have it take all my time.
It's stupid that my parents are going to spend Christmas visiting my sister in Ecuador and are paying for the whole family (except me, I'm going to his family's) to go, but don't have money for my wedding at all, but I knew they wouldn't help me. They didn't pay for grad school or undergrad for me, but they did for my sisters. But he wanted an expensive wedding and then is mad they won't pay... This is crazy! It becomes my job and its really like a community coming together. Its not like me laying on the beach in Aruba or buying new clothes or something I want...
Whatever, maybe it will be totally fabulous and I will be happy we got into this
http://offbeatbride.com/2010/11/what-our-wedding-was-really-worth
At this point though, it doesn't seem fair he doesn't help, gets mad when I talk about it, and was the one who wanted a wedding in the first place as opposed to getting eloped. So basically I am not supposed to care. Its funny how much of planning a wedding feels like PR, and how if you don't make it creative/interesting/fun/heartfelt/ somehow it would reflect badly on you as a couple or something.
Anyways there isn't so much left to do really, it's more like decisions to be made that he doesn't have an opinion about and gets mad for me repeatedly asking, but why should I have to figure out boutonierres. I did eventually, we are doing brooch bouquets for the bridesmaids and that was hard and in the store when I figured it out and bought some vintage brooches that look very masculine he rolled his eyes at the end cost, but god forbid he help or help me come up with ideas. Its confusing you are picking out a million things separetely and they are supposed to all go together. Oh well, it better be fabulous is all I have to say.
Not to mention he has wanted to go to France for the honeymoon for long before we were even engaged and he won't talk about that either. Then let's do something simpler! Its all supposed to plan itself and I am awful for caring. Also if we are paying for half the wedding who knows where we are getting that money, but he's been obsessed with it for years.
I wonder if the root of this if guys do everything last minute, but many women (and in school too) will just worry until it is done. I would rather have things done in advance and not worry.
That list idea on the fridge is a great one though. Think I will try that!
I guess it makes sense, but it seems absurd the bride is responsible for everything, especially in this day and age when they are oftentimes equally as busy.
My father has ADD and has learned to work with it over the years. Is your FH diagnosed and is it ADD or ADHD?
I ask because I would suspect these behaviors which are driving you nuts now wont end when the wedding is over. It will carryover into the marriage. I would work with him to develop habits and skills to manage it.
Lists! lots of lists!
Setting alarms on phones to remind him to do things. (even put this on the list- remember to set alarms for XYZ)
If its out of site, its out of mine. Work on an open filing system for him for his in progress projects (IE pricing on Tuxes). Instead of a drawer, use those in out boxes in a place he will see them.
There are a lot of resources online as well as books. I think setting him up with a few of these (with his cooperation) will help you with the wedding, your future communication as well as him and his life in general.
Ladies! Thank you all so much for the support. I havent' checked back here in a couple of days, and it is so nice to hear that so many others are having similar issues. We are not alone! :) In the past few days, I've just been bugging him about his list like crazy...and it is working! He realizes that the ADHD has been affecting his productivity and (thankfully) doesn't get annoyed or offended when I have to constantly remind him.
Evorce--I am so sorry, that must all be so stressful. Who knew a wedding could bring up so many horrible issues? I can sympathize, though. I can't tell you how many times I have seriously considered calling if all off and having a MUCH simpler affair.
Lefeymw-- It is ADHD. And we're so torn because he has medication for it, but it seriously affects his personality so much! He is just so dull when he's on it. So honestly, it's like I would rather learn how to help him out and deal with the disorder than actually have him on meds!
It happens. Just try to be patient.
I must say I was annoyed with FI for putting off things he had agreed to do. Then we spent a week wedding planning in Delaware (we live in Florida), and he got pretty much all his stuff done that week instead of stretching the work (and stress) out over months as I had. He's much smarter!
On the ADHD, I dated someone with it for 5 years on and off. I remember a book, A.D.D. & Romance, being helpful for understanding where he was coming from.
I think giving him specific tasks with deadlines would probably be a good way to get things done. I'm a procrastinator by nature, and unless I have a specific deadline, things just don't get done. So maybe instead of telling him to this and that, tell him to do this and that by this date, so he can procrastinate all he wants and then get it all done at once becuase he's under the gun with you and timing.
Completely normal! My FI offered to collect addresses for me for our STDs since it was something he felt he could contribute at this point in the process. Apparently that meant only for the non-mutual friends (the friends that are his and not mine), but the majority of our friends ARE mutual, so this list included like 6 people.. haha. He's such a procrastinator, too, so I told him "Okay I'll contact all the girls and you contact the guys." with regard to mutual friends so it was less work for him. I've gotten all the girls addresses, has he gotten any of the others guys' addresses? Negative. The other night I asked him "Hey next time you talk to your mom can you ask her to make me a list of all the family and family friends they want to invite and their addresses?" He goes "Okay.. yeah. Or you could just ask her for it." (I talk to his mom on a fairly regular basis, probably call once every few weeks).... he quickly realized that was not the best response & changed his tune to say he'd do it.. (And actually did!).
I think guys just don't really get why we think all this stuff is important, and why we need things done by a certain time in advance of the wedding.. and don't realize how time consuming everything is, so they don't really understand why we need these things NOW and why we get frustrated when they procrastinate the small tasks we ask of them!
I had to smile because I went through this with Fi about a month ago. #1 I am picky AND a control freak (nightmare combo for wedding planning!) We are having a reverse destination wedding of sorts because we live on Maui but 80% of our guests will be coming from the mainland. This meant "typical" wedding deadline schedules were bumped up by a month or two I had to nag about similar things (addresses for STD, figure out a rough guest count, etc). It was frustrating because our final $ amount was dependent on us making decisions. I was ON TOP of my family/friends to hurry up and book hotel/condos...he ignored my warnings that affordable places get booked fast. I was researching options for his buddies, but was getting NOWHERE with FI. He couldn't tell me hotel vs. condo, how many rooms/beds, what dates...etc etc etc. so I stopped researching and stopped nagging. Three weeks later, he asked if I found accomodations for his friends. I smiled and said "No dear, you never told me how many rooms and what dates, and I kinda needed that info to help you." His response : "oh yeah." I told him it was his responsibility now, since I had moved on to other planning aspects...and it took him FOREVER to find a place for everyone. He went through the nightmare of calling places, finding out they had no vacancies, and endless searching for something reasonable. It was awesome. He learned his lesson (that I don't nag to be a pain in the ass, but rather to make things go smoothly) and now is Mr. Johnny On The Spot any time I ask him to do something wedding planning related :)
Mine has started thanking me all the time for work I have done on the wedding. I started to remember how when we moved into our house and I designed the whole thing, that I am probably just more talented at making things go together visually.
I guess I just didn't like when he thought I was too worried about the wedding and wasn't helping to make it easier... If I am doing it all myself, I am going to be worried, but I would give it all over to him if he wanted to do it.
I will say him telling me he appreciates all the time I've put into it makes me feel a lot better.
@JamieAnnette: Maybe when it turns out totally fabulous it will all be worth it....
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OK Ladies... this is probably insane, but I have found myself having some really unexpected feelings the past couple of weeks. I'll start with the beginning.
So our wedding is in June. It is a HUGE undertaking because most everything is being done DIY...i did NOT know what I was getting myself into. In addition to DIYing everything, I am starting back to school in January to do my Master's (and work a full-time job, mind you). Luckily I have a job that allows me to work on quite a bit of wedding stuff throughout the day. Sooo to make a ong story short, I am trying to get as much as possible done before January and it's making me a crazy person.
Now my fiance, he has a fairly demanding job...not a lot of free time. Countless times I have asked him to do things (get together your addresses for save-the-dates, contact your friend to find out pricing for photography, OK so-and-so prices for tux rentals with your groomsmen, etc) but he puts things off as long as possible, until I really get upset with him! He has severe ADHD, so I know it's probably something that he honestly does forget...but it is truly so frustrating! I am really trying to avoid becoming a crazy bridezilla...but I have small feelings of resentment that keep popping up because of ALLLLL the time, thought, and effort I am putting into everything, while he can't even remember to send an e-mail.
I am madly in love with him, and know it is just a frustrating situation...
Has anyone else experience this or anything similar to this? Am I normal? Thanks for listening!
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