Post # 1
This is my third post about my current situation.
First & Second Post:
Long story short, I recently posted a few weeks ago “Rings Clues or Am I overthinking?”.. My SO decided to show me all the emails between him and the jeweler. One of them said that he was going to need the ring within the next two months.. Fast forward a few days, he decides for us to go ring shopping. We went to a few stores, I fell in love with a ring similar to the one from the online jeweler. He kept asking about prices, sizing the ring, asking which shapes I liked. Then a few days later, he told me he didn’t want to get my hopes up and then I asked why he took me ring shopping. He told me that I was so excited about getting my ring that he wanted to take me and have an idea of what I like…but that he wants to just enjoy dating me for right now. He also said that the time frame I saw in the email is no longer “valid.” At first I thought he was trying to throw me off as he usually does, but he bought a brand new luxury car over the weekend and discussed with me how he was planning on paying it off this year. I take it that he told me this too as a way of saying that the ring is not coming as soon as I expected anymore.
Now.. Fast forward again, SO asked my dad for my hand about a month ago and has been taking me on lavish dates the past few weeks. SO told me he would propose by the end of summer..which is coming up soon. I’m starting to not believe him when he said end of summer because – no ring in sight and he just racked up a hefty credit card bill doing/buying various things ($5,000). I’m kind of upset that I got my hopes up again? As this means that it won’t be happening when I expected.. I’m also feeling pretty uncomfortable knowing that he might have lied about it? He is not very careful with his spending habits..
SO and I have spoken about it..but I guess I am still resentful over the fact that he’s the one who entertained the idea and emailed the jeweler…and also told me to send pictures to my mom only to be told it wouldn’t be happening? We also had a heart to heart over it a while back and he apologized and claimed to feel guilty but even after all this it is still hard for me to let go of the negative feelings and I find myself snapping on him for small reasons. I don’t want it to ruin the relationship and I know he didn’t do it with malicious intent but it is difficult to not be hurt by it.
Post # 2
Why shouldn’t you be hurt by this? Why don’t you have the right to be upset? Your BF choosing to buy a luxury car instead of a diamond is something to get upset about. Telling you he’d propose within 2 months and then withdrawing that is something to get upset about.
If he wants the same happy relationship he had before, he should have to earn that back somehow.
Post # 3
You don’t want to “ruin” a relationship that your BF has jerked back and forth, a few times and in various directions, already? Sounds like he’s done a good job of that all on his own.
Resentment is a hard thing to reverse. I do feel like its one of those… hmm, permanent? or finalizing?… emotions. Maybe a better term would be an “end-stage” emotion. Meaning, you’ve gone through a series of other emotions that led you to resentment, so where do you go from here? Is it possible to go back to “happy” and “oblivious”, honestly, I don’t think so.
Now this doesn’t mean you need to throw in the towel, but I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss my own feelings when it was HIS actions that caused them. Why do you have to invalidate your own feelings to give excuse to his behavior? He’s a big boy, let him deal with big boy consequences. Resentment being one of them.
Post # 4
That’s cruel to dangle that in your face like that. Were the dates to make up for the fact that he’s not proposing? It’s a huge pet peeve of mine when someone says they will do something then doesn’t, so I defintely understand why you’re hurt. I’d sit down and have a serious discussion with him. I know you don’t want to ruin the relationship, but your happiness is important too.
Post # 5
I feel your pain. I still resent my husband for certain actions while we were dating and on our wedding night. I don’t understand why he couldn’t have been as attentive and caring as he is now the whole time.
Please don’t keep quiet about your feelings. You are also important too my friend.
Let us know how everything turns out.
Post # 6
merlotandmacchiatos: You have every right to feel hurt and upset. It was wrong for him to do all of these things, but my question is why? Does he go back and forth with wanting to then having second thoughts (commitment issues)?? Is he having trouble with the facts of life and becoming grown up by making immature and non-logical purchases for where yall are at in life?
What did he say when yall had a heart to heart? Did he say he would quit spending to save again for a ring? Did he say he felt like yall needed to wait again?
If it were me, I would say straight up that he needed to postpone ALL ring/engagement conversation with EVERYONE unless has 100% certain it was happening SOON because it was cruel and unfair. If he continued, that would be a red flag for sure.
These are just my thoughts, I know every relationship is different and has different levels of sensitivity. I’m sorry this is happening to you- I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be.
Post # 7
You weren’t getting your own hopes up OP, this guy is giving you huge mixed messages and jerking you around.
It doesn’t really matter that he didn’t do this with malicious intent, because it still happened and it’s still not right. This sounds like a character thing, which means he’ll probably do this again in some way.
Don’t stay quiet about this. I know it may be difficult, but you have to talk to him and ask him why he keeps going back and forth, saying things will happen and then saying that they’re not going to happen. And, like a PP suggested, you should tell him that all talk of engagement needs to be stopped until he’s actually ready to be engaged.
Really, this has to be addressed, because behavior like this is not really a one time thing. It will pop up again and again, and usually at the worst times.
I think you need to ask yourself if you’re ok with having a husband who has it in him to jerk you around in this way, and go back and forth with life events as serious as engagement and marriage. Ask yourself, do you want to be with a man who causes this kind of resentment? This is not a trait that I would want in my husband at all, I can tell you that.
Post # 8
canadajane: I swear I agree with everything that comes out of your mouth. OMG
Post # 9
merlotandmacchiatos: He may really be trying to throw you off. He seems to be the one bringing it up quite a bit. I would be less concerned with when it’s going to happen and more concerned with his spending/financial habits. Hopefully he’s not getting into mad debt on a whim – or maybe he can comfortably afford all of these things? Either way, the resentment will most likely go away after he asks. I was starting to resent and feel really hurt by my FH but when he asked, those feelings just vanished!
Edit: I almost forgot…my FH bought a BIG ol’ smart TV before he bought my ring. I was pretty livid. I was certain that was going to push things back. You never know what he’s got planned! 🙂
Post # 10
Ninebones: He can comfortably afford them, which is part of what gets me.. If it’s so easy for him to afford all of these things why can’t he put away a small amount to buy a ring? He’s also very into surprising me/sweeping me off my feet and wants to buy a “forever” ring (which is why I thought it was taking so long)? The 5k bill surprised me at first because it was over what he usually spends a month, abt $3k…and he pays off the bill in full every month.
Post # 11
texaslemon: Hi fellow bee, He is definitely not in a stage where becoming a “grown up” should be an issue at all. To my knowledge, commitment issues are not a problem either. When we had our heart to heart..he basically said that he was sorry, he cried, and told me that he would make it up to me and that he could afford a simple ring right now but wants something more elaborate, etc. It is also unheard in our culture for us to live together as an unmarried couple which was dissatisfying to both of our families..More upsetting to my parents and his mother.
After that conversation he spoke to my dad and received my dad’s blessing. An engagement is customary in our culture and my dad offered to host the celebrations for the engagement…which my mom is asking about all the time now. It has been blown out of proportion and I don’t even have a ring, lol.
Post # 12
Rhopalocera: Hi, He certainly stressed the fact that he didn’t do it with malicious intent. I guess that’s why I bring it up. He asked why it’s hard for me to forgive him even though I know it wasn’t done maliciously.
Post # 13
Hi! I had a similar situation. He talked and talked about it over months telling me it would happen. Then talked about rings and talked about it more and it didn’t happen. Finally when I stopped questioning him he surprised me and it was THE BEST proposal ever. Be patient as much as it sucks and hurts. You’ll look back and be so happy that you kept patient. 🙂
Post # 14
merlotandmacchiatos: Just because something isn’t done maliciously doesn’t mean that it’s not damaging or that it’s acceptable.
Has he apologized? Has he acknowledged that what he has done is wrong or, at the very least, that it has hurt you? Has he acknowledged that his shenanigans weren’t ok?
If he hasn’t done any of that, but has been pushing this “I didn’t do it maliciously, so you should forgive me” line, then that’s something you really need to pay attention to.
Someone shouldn’t get let off the hook for the damage they’ve done just because they were being careless. That is basically what he’s saying by the way: “I was careless, ok. Why won’t you forgive me?”.
Again, this is behavior that you really need to pay attention to. This is not a one-off kind of behavior, so to speak, it is something that gets done again and again. If you decide that you’re ok with it, fine, that’s your choice to make, but make sure you really think about it before you marry him.
Post # 15
you already posted about this. honestly, your BF just doesn’t seem ready for marriage and you two are just on different levels.