Resentment?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Why shouldn’t you be hurt by this? Why don’t you have the right to be upset?  Your BF choosing to buy a luxury car instead of a diamond is something to get upset about.  Telling you he’d propose within 2 months and then withdrawing that is something to get upset about.

If he wants the same happy relationship he had before, he should have to earn that back somehow.    

Post # 3
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

You don’t want to “ruin” a relationship that your BF has jerked back and forth, a few times and in various directions, already?  Sounds like he’s done a good job of that all on his own. 

Resentment is a hard thing to reverse.  I do feel like its one of those… hmm, permanent? or finalizing?… emotions.  Maybe a better term would be an “end-stage” emotion.  Meaning, you’ve gone through a series of other emotions that led you to resentment, so where do you go from here?  Is it possible to go back to “happy” and “oblivious”, honestly, I don’t think so. 

Now this doesn’t mean you need to throw in the towel, but I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss my own feelings when it was HIS actions that caused them. Why do you have to invalidate your own feelings to give excuse to his behavior?  He’s a big boy, let him deal with big boy consequences.  Resentment being one of them. 

Post # 4
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

That’s cruel to dangle that in your face like that. Were the dates to make up for the fact that he’s not proposing? It’s a huge pet peeve of mine when someone says they will do something then doesn’t, so I defintely understand why you’re hurt. I’d sit down and have a serious discussion with him. I know you don’t want to ruin the relationship, but your happiness is important too. 

Post # 5
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I feel your pain. I still resent my husband for certain actions while we were dating and on our wedding night. I don’t understand why he couldn’t have been as attentive and caring as he is now the whole time.

Please don’t keep quiet about your feelings. You are also important too my friend. 

Let us know how everything turns out. 

Post # 6
Member
585 posts
Busy bee

merlotandmacchiatos:  You have every right to feel hurt and upset. It was wrong for him to do all of these things, but my question is why? Does he go back and forth with wanting to then having second thoughts (commitment issues)?? Is he having trouble with the facts of life and becoming grown up by making immature and non-logical purchases for where yall are at in life?

What did he say when yall had a heart to heart? Did he say he would quit spending to save again for a ring? Did he say he felt like yall needed to wait again?

If it were me, I would say straight up that he needed to postpone ALL ring/engagement conversation with EVERYONE unless has 100% certain it was happening SOON because it was cruel and unfair. If he continued, that would be a red flag for sure.

These are just my thoughts, I know every relationship is different and has different levels of sensitivity. I’m sorry this is happening to you- I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be.

Post # 7
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

You weren’t getting your own hopes up OP, this guy is giving you huge mixed messages and jerking you around. 

It doesn’t really matter that he didn’t do this with malicious intent, because it still happened and it’s still not right. This sounds like a character thing, which means he’ll probably do this again in some way. 

Don’t stay quiet about this. I know it may be difficult, but you have to talk to him and ask him why he keeps going back and forth, saying things will happen and then saying that they’re not going to happen. And, like a PP suggested, you should tell him that all talk of engagement needs to be stopped until he’s actually ready to be engaged. 

Really, this has to be addressed, because behavior like this is not really a one time thing. It will pop up again and again, and usually at the worst times. 

I think you need to ask yourself if you’re ok with having a husband who has it in him to jerk you around in this way, and go back and forth with life events as serious as engagement and marriage. Ask yourself, do you want to be with a man who causes this kind of resentment? This is not a trait that I would want in my husband at all, I can tell you that.

Post # 8
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee

 

canadajane:  I swear I agree with everything that comes out of your mouth. OMG

Post # 9
Member
1107 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

merlotandmacchiatos:  He may really be trying to throw you off. He seems to be the one bringing it up quite a bit. I would be less concerned with when it’s going to happen and more concerned with his spending/financial habits. Hopefully he’s not getting into mad debt on a whim – or maybe he can comfortably afford all of these things? Either way, the resentment will most likely go away after he asks. I was starting to resent and feel really hurt by my FH but when he asked, those feelings just vanished!

 

Edit: I almost forgot…my FH bought a BIG ol’ smart TV before he bought my ring. I was pretty livid. I was certain that was going to push things back. You never know what he’s got planned! 🙂

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Remy-D.
Post # 13
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Hi! I had a similar situation. He talked and talked about it over months telling me it would happen. Then talked about rings and talked about it more and it didn’t happen. Finally when I stopped questioning him he surprised me and it was THE BEST proposal ever. Be patient as much as it sucks and hurts. You’ll look back and be so happy that you kept patient. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

merlotandmacchiatos:  Just because something isn’t done maliciously doesn’t mean that it’s not damaging or that it’s acceptable.

Has he apologized? Has he acknowledged that what he has done is wrong or, at the very least, that it has hurt you? Has he acknowledged that his shenanigans weren’t ok? 

If he hasn’t done any of that, but has been pushing this “I didn’t do it maliciously, so you should forgive me” line, then that’s something you really need to pay attention to. 

Someone shouldn’t get let off the hook for the damage they’ve done just because they were being careless. That is basically what he’s saying by the way: “I was careless, ok. Why won’t you forgive me?”.

Again, this is behavior that you really need to pay attention to. This is not a one-off kind of behavior, so to speak, it is something that gets done again and again. If you decide that you’re ok with it, fine, that’s your choice to make, but make sure you really think about it before you marry him.   

Post # 15
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

you already posted about this. honestly, your BF just doesn’t seem ready for marriage and you two are just on different levels. 

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