- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
I’m flying home tomorrow for the weekend to spend time with my sick father and for Mother’s Day. My dad’s time frame left on earth was the reason we cancelled our wedding which was to be this July. It was a Destination Wedding. It was a hard decision, but I don’t have regrets about that part.
I really, really don’t like going home. I mean I love my family/parents, but they are so difficult. I must have done my 23 year old self a favor when I moved 1500 miles away to get away from their drama. I admit that now.
My mom always pulls some dramatic, nasty crap on me when I’m there, ruining the whole trip right at the end. She does it every time. I just brace for it. You can’t talk logically to this woman. I can’t ever bring up stuff to discuss because it makes it worse and gets no where. If you want the last story, I will share it.
My dad (he’s a former alcoholic, maybe current) he proclaims, “I could die tomorrow and have no regrets! I lived a good life!”
Seriously? This man lead a terribly immoral life and hurt his loved ones repeatedly, I just cringe at those words. Is he trying to convince himself?
Anyway, my last trip home he wanted to encourage me to get anything off my chest, ask any questions, etc. I didn’t have the courage or energy to bring up all those past incidents. We were sitting in the backseat of a car going to airport. The mere thought made me cry.
Do I tell him what it was like to think my dad was dead every weekend while growing up because he was driving drunk so many times? How crappy it was for my parents to take my hard earned money when I was 18 to bail my dad out of jail? Or when he lost his job and I was told I had to quit school and come home to support the family? How his crappy role model of a man lead me to marry a crappy guy when I was younger?
Ugh. I don’t know if I can bring this up with him. I don’t plan on it. He seems to be peaceful with his life right now, I don’t want to stir it up.
Maybe I should just start therapy for myself right now. Yet I seem to feel the need to make these trips home often. I could just say screw it and see you at the funeral, but I can’t do it like that.