Post # 1
How do you ward off resentment that keeps popping up?
My SO and I have an amazing relationship and the only time we have problems is when I get annoyed with waiting. I hate the rollercoaster ride of emotions I have with waiting. We talk about getting married, we have a child and live together. He tells me a proposal is coming and then I clear my head of the issue, but it never fails…someone brings it up (when is he going to propose?) or a friend gets engaged and I find myself right back feeling down and like this will never happen. We’ve been talking about it since April and I know I’m an impatient person, but I feel bad about feeling resentful that he can (and will eventually) end this frustration and he hasn’t!
How do I get off this rollercoaster?!
Post # 2
Unfortunately, the answer to your question, “How do I get off this rollercoaster?” is “you don’t.”
<br />I’m in the same boat as you (minus the child), and I hated how resentful I had gotten over the whole thing. Basically, I was stomping my feet (figuratively) and shouting “Why does it get to be HIS timeline? Why does HE get all of the power in choosing here?? Don’t I get a say???”
And truthfully, if we want to do this the traditional way, I have to back off and trust that he’s making the right decisions for us. I still get those feelings of resentment when someone like my brother mentions getting engaged (and they’ve been together only a few months!) but I have to remember that everyone else’s story is their own and mine will be my own.
<br /><br />I don’t want my engagement (that has yet to happen) to be marred by the craziness of me, so I’ve had to learn how to contain it. Is it easy? Haha, nope! But, it’s something that you have to take one day at a time.
<br />I would ask him for a timeline, a legitimate timeline, and I don’t think that’s an unfair thing to ask for. However, be prepared to not like what you hear.
Post # 3
I guess it’s sort of a “you can’t have it both ways” deal. I couldn’t stand the idea of my FI having all the power and me waiting meekly so we had a conversation instead of a proposal, picked a ring together online and went out to dinner the day it arrived. Of course that meant giving up the things that come with a propsal. There was no surprise, not much of a “story,” no dramatic moments on bended knee, etc. It was a trade-off that worked for me, but I tend to be a bit unusual in my preferences (to give you an idea, my now DH took MY last name). I bet if you give your FI time to save up for a ring that will really please you and surprise you with a proposal, you will be happier in the end.
Post # 4
HiveFive: Unfortunately people think they have the right to ask ‘when’s he going to propose’ as if you know the answer. It makes it really hard. There’s not much you can do. waiting sucks – I did it for 7 years :/
Are there other things that you’ve done/are doing instead of planning a wedding right now? Can you come up with a stock answer for people? Maybe ask them an equally annoying and uncomfotable question about their lives?
Post # 5
va-in-ny: fionalouise: MsGinkgo: Thank you all…each of you said things I needed to hear. SO and I keep having these heart to heart conversations and he took me ring shopping two weekends ago. He wants the proposal to be a surprise and I always feel the need to be in control. It’s hard for me to let this go and I know in my heart the right thing for me to do it TO let this go BEFORE he proposes. It’s hard waiting. In the meantime, I decided I need to get out more and have more hobbies (I’m a stay at home mom with 3 children) to get my mind off of this and to partly show him I have my own thing and I’m not always obsessing about being his wife. I’ve started to do this and I see a change in him for the better…he brings up ring and wedding stuff not just myself. I let up on bringing up marriage for his sanity and my own, ha! As for a timeline, he said within a year he sees us married. Now if I can just learn patients…
Post # 6
HiveFive: Your SO sounds like a lovely man who wants to surprise you and treat you like a queen. So just let him 🙂
I know it’s not easy, I am also waiting, but at least your SO knows what you want and you know what he wants to give you. Think about these positive sides of his behaviour when the resentment creeps up.
Post # 7
Fleurie: what a great way to think about things, thank you so much for that tip!
Post # 8
I started to get a little iffy with my patience too, until I realized he’s making us wait becuase he wants to have a little more money saved up for us. The fact that he wants us to have a decent life together means more than some hurried wedding. Now, my ring on the other hand…ANY DAY NOW!!! lol