Resentment = too late?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

How old are you? I’m going to give you my honest opinion because I believe that, in the long run, that is the kindest thing to do. If you are in your mid-twenties or older and you have dated him for eight years, then there is a very, very good chance that he will never marry you. I am so sorry. Of course, I don’t know you and I may be wrong. (I really, really hope that I am wrong.) Still, if after eight years he hasn’t proposed, then you really need to move on. (The exception to this statement being if you started dating very, very young and you are still in your early 20s/school now.) Again. I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

Post # 4
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

I think it’s completely normal to feel that way, re: the stages of waiting.  I’ve felt that resentment towards my SO many times over our 6+ years together.  The good thing is you’re doing stuff for yourself!  What helped me in the past is to take a good look at my relationship and then a good look at my feelings of jealousy.  Are my feelings of jealousy due to the fact that I really wish I did have their life?  Or are they because I’m afraid people are judging my relationship or me based on being engaged/married or not?  It’s almost always turned out to be the fear of judgment, and then I feel much better about where we are.  This is OUR life not anyone else’s, so if we’re not engaged, then we’re not engaged.  I try to live by the model of “You are where you should be, and you will get to where you want to be in time.”  It takes a lot of pressure off of things.

Post # 5
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

@jackndiane: I think anyone in their mid-20’s dating for 8 years would have started dating young so I think what matters is how old her SO is.  If he’s under 30, I wouldn’t worry so much, some guys take a lot longer to get to marriage.  If he’s 30+ well, yes I’d be pretty worried.

@ruby-glitters: Has he given any indication of what his reasons for not being engaged are?

Post # 6
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@LaurenK0105, I don’t know, I’d still worry if he were 25 and up and they’ve been dating 8 years. What’s he waiting for, to turn 30 and magically feel ready to commit?

Dating this long and him not making an effort doesn’t bode well, particularly since it seems to be something you really want–it puts you on different pages. Does he have a GOOD reason for not proposing when you bring up your feelings? Perhaps finishing grad school and wanting to get a job before making you his wife, or something along those lines? If he’s doing nothing to get his life together financially to marry you or if he’s already established and isn’t proposing, there is definitely a problem. He may be taking you for granted and thinking you’ll be always be around.

I think you need to find out what the problem is. If it’s not a good excuse you need to walk. Don’t give an ultimatum, you don’t want to be proposed to under those circumstances. Walk, if he realizes he’s made a mistake he’ll come back to you, if he still doesn’t seem to care then at least you’ve stopped wasting your time.

I know it’s all easier said than done and I clearly don’t have all the information but after 8 years he should have decided already. Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I know how it feels. I have been with my FI for almost 10 years. We got engaged around the 8 year mark, but we are still not planning the wedding. And.. he is 34! I don’t know what to tell you. Some men seem to take wayy too long. I think at  some point it is already so much like a marriage that they either don’t see the point, or they take us for granted.

I personally think ultimatums are a bad idea. I mean, who wants to force someone to say they want what you want? None of us want that. But at some point, you just have to draw the line.

Sometimes it seems it gets passed the point of getting married. I honestly think if my FI said, “hey let’s get married on X date” I’d say no way! I need some more time to think about if I want to be with someone who doesn’t seem eager to make things official.

Decide what YOU want, and maybe let him know. Not as an ultimatum, but as a serious discussion about where you want to be in your life and by what time. Talk to him about it and watch his demeanor. If he looks like he just saw a ghost, well then you know where he stands at this point.

It is a real shame to spend so many years with someone and not have it go anywhere. It definitely starts to build resentment. Don’t let your relationship go too far down the road to resentment, cause it can be pretty tough to turn back.

Damn men!! Hahah..

Post # 8
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

A year ago she posted she was 26, he was 30 so with my brilliant logic, I believe she’s now 27 and 31.  Does he say why he’s not interested in it yet? 

Post # 9
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

It might be too late honestly. It’s good that you are taking some time to yourself and can think about things. If he’s been blatently stringing you along for years now, you are making yourself look bad by staying.

Post # 10
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You know, I have friends that have dated 8 years before getting engaged.  One or the other was always in school or they just didn’t get to it (I didn’t really ask).  And I see those relationships and I don’t think “Matt” is not going to propose to her ever or “Mike” is just stringing her along.  (Note: In both cases they did get married.)  It’s easy for us to judge her not knowing the situation.  Sometimes, bees give great insight that those in the situation can’t see, and sometimes we are hasty to judge on few facts.

I don’t think it’s over for both of you, unless you can’t communicate to him how you feel and he doesn’t respond appropriately.  I asked earlier, and I think it’d still be helpful to know if he’s said why he hasn’t proposed yet.  The reasons matter a lot.  I went to grad school, and I know quite a few who wanted to wait until they had been out in the world a year or so post grad school to get engaged/married, which is reasonable.  I think in the earlier posted I skimmed looking for your age you said you weren’t really waiting a year ago, that you also weren’t ready to get married then?  If you said that to him, it may have set the timing back.

Post # 11
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

@kay01: What you say is true. This is why I mentioned the age factor. There are lots of considerations. For instance, I have two friends who dated throughout undergrad and medical school and were at least 10 years dating before they got married. That said, I really caution the OP look at what may be holding her bf back but to not make excuses for him. In other words, look objectively at the reasons he hasn’t proposed yet (school, still very young, serious financial problems), BUT try and abstain from making excuses for him. This is a difficult balance to strike and it usually helps to get a little distance to look at the situation objectively. Sure, there are valid reasons why a man would wait 8 years to propose. However, make sure that the reasons are legitimate and not bs excuses.

Post # 12
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@kay01: I agree. I’ve been with my SO for 10 years and I’m still waiting. My sister and her FI got engaged around the 8 year mark and I know many other couples that got engaged within the 7-10 year mark of their relationship. There are many factors into why ppl wait that long – age, school, finances ect. A while ago, on another wedding site I was told my SO would never propose, that he doesn’t want to marry me since he hasn’t done it as yet, which got me really worried – so I talked to him about it and he told me to stay away from internet forums, lol. He also told me that it is indeed going to happen and not to worry. So I trust him and know a proposal is coming because we communicated about it. Communication is key.

OP, I don’t really know your story –have you both talked about it? Did he give you a reason why he hasn’t proposed?

Post # 13
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

First, that’s freaking awesome that you’re cycling across Germany!  I love my bike but I’m not sure I love it enough to take it quite that far (well, plus it’s a road bike and that’s just nto right)… good for you!!!

Anyway… I absolutely think you should ‘just keep cycling’, as you said.  You said so yourself- even if he asked tomorrow, you might not say yes… well sister, that’s your answer right there.  Break free from this and if you want to get married, then give yourself the opportunity to find someone who wants marriage as well.  This guy just isn’t it. 

@NatDawn:  I’ve gotta ask why you stay in this relationship too… I mean if you would deny a proposal but actually want to get married, why the heck do you stick around?  Just curious 🙂

Post # 14
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It definitely depends where both of you are mentally. I have two close girl friends (don’t know each other) and friend #1 has been dating her SO for 8 years and friend #2 for 9 yrs (all are in their very late 20’s) and are very happy in their relationships. Both girls just started talking about marriage with their SO’s and neither seemed to see a problem with dating someone for that long and not taking the next step. I guess it just depends where you are in your relationship (mentally, financially, etc) and where you both see each other in the future. I was ready to get married 3.5 yrs into my relationship, but I know both of my friends never felt the urge or gave in to the pressure to be married (both have families/friends that nag them constantly) and they both mentioned in past convos that they are content with not jumping into marriage until both felt absolutely ready for marriage, finished with school, and financially stable. I guess everyone has different timelines…

Post # 15
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think it’s really awesome that you are focusing on YOU and what you want, which might be a little adventure and freedom, sounds like.

This is very attractive in a woman from a man’s prospective.

I don’t really make bets, but I would probably wager that he will surely miss you enough to realize what he screwed up on, and you might be able to do something that makes you happy and potentially be with him (if you want to) in the end.

And if he still doesn’t want to be with you after that, you’ll feel all the better for leaving instead of waiting around for him to change his mind about the pace of your relationship.

Post # 15
Member
23 posts
Newbee

Hello. so are you married now? what happened meanwwhile? 

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