Resentment toward FI's brother

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Garden

When is your wedding scheduled for?

Post # 4
2174 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

How are they stealing your thunder?  They’re wedding is in a month.  Of course their wedding is talked about more- it’s actually on the horizon.

Post # 6
7055 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

The only person you have a right to be angry at is your fiance. He had a chance to propose in the USA, and didn’t. You can’t blame the brother for getting engaged, and you can’t blame the family for talking about the wedding which is coming up.

But then, after theirs is over, it will all be about your wedding for the next year.

And even though FI is the only person you have a right to be angry at, you can’t hold a grudge against your FI forever over this one thing, and in the long run it’s not such a big deal.

Post # 8
34 posts

Candice1990: I am in a similar situation, however I am “older brothers fiancee” (aka. thunder stealer) and all I get is bad attitude from FBIL fiancee. It’s tempting to give her a reality check where the world doesn’t revolve around her and that she needs to get out more if this is the biggest thing she has to worry about, however she’s too immature for it to be effective. It’s not worth my time or energy. However I won’t forget her behaviour and how sad it’s made FI and I.. So obviously this is an emotional topic for me, so I apologise if the following is blunt.

You know how important your wedding is to you? You know how excited you are and all the planning you’re doing, all the details, the things you’ve dreamt about doing, that you’re marrying the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with? Well I can confidently say it’ll be the same for your FBIL and his fiancee and this is an incredibly exciting time in their lives (as your wedding is for you), despite it being “frustrating” and “annoying” for you.

And there is no thunder to be stolen. There’s no cap on the amount of “thunder” that can go around. In reality, “thunder” is the expectation you place on others to make you the centre of attention. You’ll find this is often a disappointment because no one is as excited about your wedding than you.

You don’t own time leading up to the wedding or the right to get engaged/married, as you said, you get one day, and you’ll be lucky to get that! And also, just because you have been together longer doesn’t make you more entitled to engagement that them. Engagement can be influenced by your stage in life, circumstances, views, maturity… And I know from experience that a long relationship doesn’t make for one which should stay together.

How to move forward? Choose your behaviour (ie. act excited and happy for them even if you’re faking it til you make it, because wouldn’t you hope others will/do/would do the same for you?), and I mean really choose it. That’s the one thing we can control over – our behaviour. Make a choice to behave in a particular way and your thoughts and feelings with follow. Therefore you will be more at peace and happier within yourself about the situation AND you won’t be misconstrued as selfish and immature.

I genuinely don’t intend to offend you, please know that. All the best to you for your wedding!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  aussiebee87.
Post # 11
34 posts

Candice1990:  Absolutely mate, I understand your perspective. I just think although it’s not always intended, feelings can be picked up on by others. In other words, they may have observed your reluctance to discuss weddings and engagement, etc!

I think you hit the nail on the head regarding the origin of your issue. I had originally typed that but decided it was inappopriate to say! But I do wonder if your frustration about the delayed proposal is displaced onto your FBIL and his fiancee. However for one reason or another your FI decided when the right time was to propose, althought NYC was a disappointment, it wasn’t meant to be.

About having wedding conversations – it’s like when you look in the mirror in the morning and see a pimple and it’s all you can see in the mirror for the rest of the day! We are hypersensitive to sore spots. So FBIL wedding is a sore spot, so although others may not intentionally discuss theirs when when discussing yours, you’d zone in on any mention of theirs! Does that make sense?

From my perspective, it’s a damn shame I couldn’t share this exciting time with my FBIL fiancee, because we could have had fun together. Instead it’s destroyed our relationship. And it’s a shame you couldn’t share this with your FBIL fiancee, because you’re going to be family!

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