(Closed) RH+FIL=YIKES!

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I feel for you.  That’s a tough putt for sure.  Now is one of those times when your FH is going to have to go to bat for you.  He needs to convey to his parents that he doesn’t want HIS Bride over shadowed by an over the top RD.  Could they kindly either scale back to match the formality of the wedding or divert some of the RD money to the wedding.  But your FH needs to be the one to do it and he needs to be firm.  Good Luck. 

Post # 4
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Or…maybe they could have all of the family meet the day after for a brunch.

Post # 5
Member
41 posts
Newbee

I agree with missRojoOso – your husband needs to be the one who speaks to his parents about this so you don’t look like the bad person in this situation.  Since your FILs haven’t contributed to the wedding fund, they have little to no say on who is invited and where it’s held.

Post # 6
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I would go ahead with your FI and decide what the two of you want for an RD.  Ours is actually going to be really informal – a comfortable restaurant with really good Italian food, served family style.  Partly because we just want it to be really relaxed, and partly because our wedding is also not terribly formal and fancy.  Then I would have your FI (should be him, as MissRojoOso says, as they are his parents – although you can do it together he should be the one managing his parents) present your ideas to his folks.  Even though they are hosting, they should take your wishes into account.

I would second the idea that if they somehow want to spend more money, it would be appropriate to suggest they pitch in a little more for the wedding.  Sometimes parents don’t want to just hand over a check, but maybe suggest they pay for the cake, the flowers, part or all of the photography. 

If they want to throw a big party for out of town guests, I also think brunch the morning after is appropriate.

And if they can’t be persuaded to adjust their plans to something that meets your vision, I would be prepared to just tell them thanks for the offer, but you will handle the RD yourselves.  I think the RD is mostly about having a time to relax with your bridal party, kick back before the big day.  Another big, fancy event may fit some folks’ style, but its not necessarily relaxing, is it?  You can have a perfectly nice RD without spending a ton of money.   Your FILs sound more than a little controlling – sometimes the only way to deal with that is to just opt out, if you know what I mean.  Nobody likes to be this way, but maybe the only way to get them to listen is to let them know that if they must throw a hugely fancy event, they can do so with their out of town friends only – because you and FI and the rest of the bridal party will be somewhere else.

Standing up for what you want, in a nice but firm manner, does not make you bridezilla.  If you were having a fit about the color of the table linens for the RD, or something that, you would be unreasonable.  Wanting an RD that isn’t practically an early reception is not unreasonable at all.

Post # 7
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Nicely done, Suzanno.  I agree completely.  It sounds like the FILs are more concerned about showing what a great party they can throw. 

They have lost sight of the fact that the whole reason everyone is getting together is to celebrate YOU and their son and the journey you’re about to take.  Sometimes, that realization that their child is "leaving" the family causes people to act a little wacky.

Definitely talk it through w/ your FI and make sure you are both on the same page.  It’s his responsibiity to talk to his family, you can join him for that conversation but try your best to stay in a support role and let him take the lead. 

I know the money would be very helpful, but if the FILs refuse to listen, then take the control away from them by doing the RD yourself.

Post # 9
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

I feel for you….. and am undergoing a similar problem (not the divorced parents aspect) as my FMIL is planning an elaborate RD. I would also rather have a smaller event and have some money towards the wedding itself. You don’t want the RD to upstage the wedding itself!

Let us know how it goes!

Post # 10
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

Best of luck, Jenningsblue…. your proposal sounds like a really adult way to deal with this situation, and I hope it forces your FILs to really listen and respect both of your wishes.  Please keep us posted!  My fingers are crossed for you.

Post # 11
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2008

If you think it might resonate with the FILs, you could make them aware that it is very poor etiquette to have the rehearsal dinner be as nice or nicer than the wedding. The rehearsal dinner’s formality should NEVER overshadow that of the wedding.

Good luck! 

Post # 12
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Good for you jenningblue!  It sounds like you and your FI are doing a great job of working together on this.  Dealing with family that are being unreasonable is never fun, but if it is apparent to both your families that the two of you have to be treated as your own little family unit now, and that you are going to back each other up, they should respect that.  Let us know how it goes!

Post # 14
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Yay!  I’m so glad its working out well for you.  It seems like wedding planning is an ongoing series of arguments and misunderstandings with parents and siblings and FILs.  Makes you crazy about every other week.  My experience so far is that most things can be worked out pretty easily once everybody has calmed down – its all about communication and aligning expectations and compromise, and usually a couple of days after wanting to just tear everyone’s hair out I find that everyone is being surprisingly reasonable.  I hope that continues to be the case for you – and think what super-improved communication skills you and FI will have by the time its over!

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