Weddingbee boards

So my FIL's want to spend an additional sum of money to have a "possible" 50 people come to our wedding. Most likely, none of these people will show up as they are overseas and we have not gone to any of their weddings.

I wanted a smaller wedding...not a circus show of 450 people which was our original guest count!!!! We've since cut people out and came to a number of 350...assuming that 50 won't show up our venue will be perfect for this amount of people. It seems that they would like to have the entire venue to themselves. To me, this is just ridiculous! It will cost us extra 10's of thousands of dollars to make this happen (the biggest waste of money I have ever heard of)!!! Secondly, I don't want to purchase the larger venue b/c I know that is an open door for them to keep adding to their guestlist. I don't want more people at my wedding!!! Going with the smaller venue is a way for me to ensure that I will not have more than 300 people at my wedding, which although is still TOO high a number is closer to what I've originally envisioned.

How do I get my in-laws to stop taking over my wedding planning!?? This is my wedding-NOT theirs! If they want to have a party then they should go do so. I should also mention that both our parents are splitting the bill for the entire wedding so I realize that yes, there is some kind of financial obligation here.

Well it would be a 50/50 split between both our parents and I don't feel its right for my parents to have to foot half that bill. My parents are very "go with the flow" type people so they are letting FI's parents take control. I feel like they are not sticking up for me at all!

@ Saeliz...that is easier said that done. FIL's family is considerably wealthier than mine so needless to say the power struggle is already uneven.They are also very hard headed and have a thing with privay issues. If we rent out the entire venue like they want then there is no chance of any other function being there that day (not that I care if there's another wedding there, but again they are private people who value distinction, elegance and luxury). 

Sometimes I just want to tell both set of parents not to pay for anything and FI and I will elope. I don't like any of the ideas they've tried to give me...more like smash down my throat!

How much of the guest list is yours and how much is IL's?  If the IL's is much larger, you definitely have a right to stick up for your parents.  I'm going to disagree with the two previous posters to a point.  Yes they are splitting the costs but at the same time there is a lot required of you in planning a wedding of this size.

 You may want to have you FI talk with your future inlaws and explain to both sets of parents how much extra this is going to cost.   You should also be up front with both parents of the costs.  I find a number of people really have no idea what a wedding will actually cost.

@Noritake...I would feel bad if they paid for the rest of the people who weren't coming (we would be charged a per person charge for each person that we didn't invite or know wouldn't show up) and that would be about 200 people! Too many for my books!!!

@amaroo 24...speaking of planning a wedding this size they want me to hire a wedding planner! Something else I don't like, I want to plan my own wedding and not have someone over me telling me what to do!

I think you should make an outline of the kind of wedding you and your FI would like to have.  What things you would like to plan, have control over, venue, and number of people (be realistic in the number of friends and immediate family) should all be included.  Be realistic in the costs, advantages and disadvantages of this type of wedding.  Also put together an outline of the type of wedding your FIL's would like, being realistic with everything outlined above.  Then...  get your parents, FI parents and yourselves in the same place (maybe your appartment) if possible.  I think the three sets of stake holders need to have an open and honest conversation about the logistics, costs and tone of the wedding. 

As a side note, we very purposely chose to have a smaller wedding.  We could have had a 200+ wedding with everyone one invited but we wanted it to be more about close family and friends with a wedding of ~80 (a max of 100 due to venue). 

UPDATE: Ok everyone! Looks like problem is solved we are sticking with the smaller venue and cutting down our guestlist. I feel so much better :) Thank for your support!

Congrats!

They went behind my back and held the bigger venue, so problem isn't solved...now not only am I stuck with a bigger venue but deceitful in-laws!!!!

Yikes!!  That is really not good.  How big is the deposit?  Could you still reserve the one you want and then they would be out their deposit on the larger venue?  This sounds a lot like my mother's relationship with my dad's parents.  Early in their marriage, my mom gave him an ultimatium, me or your parents.  They moved away and made a life for themselves.  Eventually they did have a relationship again but it was really rocky for a long time. 

Seriously though, your parents, you and your FI really need to put your foot down.  If it means doing a smaller wedding on what your parents, you and your FI can afford it may make for an easier process. 

FI is backing me up on this. We are going to sit down with his parents soon and talk it all out. I hope he can stick up for us, his parents are quite the handful. We both wanted a smaller wedding, we are not flashy people -where as his parents are using our wedding as an opportunity to show themselves off.

You are so lucky KLMP2010...be very grateful- your generous gift from both your parents doesn't come with stipulations and rules like mine do!

@MsMarzipan....Yes, we are both from the same European culture and both have large guestlists. Difference with me and my family is I am willing to chop chop chop those numbers!

I guess we will end up getting the larger venue, who knows it could be more fun with more people and a larger room to dance so everyone is seated more comfortably 350 in the venue we're loooking at would be squished!

Seriously think about getting a wedding planner, at least shop around to see if you can find one you like.  A truly good planner will listen to you, do the hard legwork stuff, and leave the fun stuff to you, and most importantly she or he can take over a lot of in-law handling.  In-laws probably won't bully him or her like they're doing with you, she or he won't have to worry about emotional repercussions, and she or he won't be so stressed out because it's paid work, not 'my wedding' which is supposed to be fun to plan.  The key will be to find someone you feel comfortable being honest with, in case you don't like their decisions or want to change your mind about something, and someone hardcore enough to stand up to your in-laws.  Obviously hire the planner without consulting the in-laws, so they don't choose someone on their side, and don't let them pay for it.  But imagine how great it could be to have someone else to blame for things: "oh, we can't add any more guests at this point, the planner said so", "oh, the planner's taking care of that, so I don't really know the details", but of course that can be lies, lies, lies, to keep your in-laws on their side of the fence.