Post # 1
I have noticed with many couples (myself included) that being newly engaged is not always a completely blissful time. You expect it to be all butterflies and rainbows, but what if it turns out to be worms and rainclouds? My fiance and I got along fabulously before we became engaged. People even jokingly made comments like, “Do you guys EVER fight?” Things were amazing. As soon as we got engaged, things changed a little. I can’t really put my finger on it, but I just felt a change. I felt myself becoming more and more critical of him and his behaviors. Things that didn’t bother me before began to eat away at me to the point of near panic. I wondered if this is the “wedding jitters” or something more? Why is it that we become more critical of our partners after we become engaged? Is it because after the ring is placed on your finger it is finally “real?” This is it…this is your life, this is who you will spend it with…forever. Don’t get me wrong, I do love him and I do want to be with him. I just wish I could stop being so damn critical of everything. Has anyone else gone through something similar? Is it normal for a bride to feel this way?
Post # 3
I recently read that many people do become critical after getting engaged because you are re-evaluating each other on a deeper level. The book said when you are just dating, you still keep a few walls up because there’s always the chance that things won’t work out so you’re still protecting yourself. When you get engaged, you start to really evaluate this person as someone you will be with forever. When you first started dating, you probably did some evaluation as well, but now it’s “for reals.” I’d recommend reading Emotionally Engaged by Allison Moir-Smith. That’s where I read about this. I think it’s probably normal as you try and figure out your new status. Not to mention all the decisions you now have to make as you prepare to get married. It can all be a little stressful and overwhelming even as it is exciting and joyful.
Post # 4
@cafegirl: Thank you SO much! It really helps to know that I am not alone in this. I know it is not his fault, I am just being way over critical of him. I am also very scared of marriage because my parents had an awful one, and growing up in that environment is all I know. I am going to look up that book right now. Thanks again!
Post # 5
For us it’s the opposite (I think). I feel like we became closer and more relaxed and happy with each other. It felt like right before the engagement I was on edge (even though we never really talked about getting engaged), there was some kind of anticipation and nervousness around us. Once we got engaged we relaxed and relationship became calmer.
Post # 6
We also had a few huge blowouts following the engagement, and I know one of my good friends had this issue too. I think its like what the first poster said too. I also noticed we bickered a bit more frequently immediately following the wedding, but that has since calmed down. I think in addition to it being “the rest of your life” its also just stressful, which does put most people on edge.
Post # 7
I think it’s simply the fact that before the engagement people very shallowly think about their real expectaions (realistic & not) of what they want in a marriage and of their future spouse.
Now, when the ring goes on this stuff starts to come to mind… “Geeze, I hope he/she doesn’t handle things like that when we’re married. Does He EVER see this/that?” stuff like that.
I do think it’s a pretty simple fix though.
2. Pre-Marital Counseling… My FI and I are following the book
If nothing else the 1st 2 worksheets are REALLY great! A Personal History & a “Great Expectations” Worksheet.
Anyhoo hope that helps some =)
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2011 - The Royal Park Hotel
I definitely went through a stage of being super-critical after we got engaged, for exactly the reasons that cafegirl said. What you’re going through isn’t uncommon, and it’s also OK if you two get into a fight. I strongly believe that it’s a good relationship skill to learn how to fight well and fairly (if that makes any sense). Also, I’m sorry to hear that you’re a bit gun-shy because of your parents’ marriage. You’re not destined to follow in their footsteps, and perhaps you can even learn from them by knowing what you *don’t* want to do in your own relationship! *hugs*
Post # 9
We fought throughout the whole year of engagement! But then once we got married it all stopped – life went back to normal and things are much better!
Post # 10
I was the same way… I think my mentality just completed changed from this is some guy I really care about in my life today to is this how I want to live the REST of my life. I had the mentality of I wanted to address things that bothered me before they became too habitual. I may have overdone it a bit, but we eventually hit equilibrium and are fine!
Also, the wedding planning doesn’t help. A good percentage of our fights on how much it would cost, or what to spend the money on, what was important, etc. I believe after you’ve learned how to combine your lives, and you don’t have the stress of wedding planning things will get better. Good luck!