- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
So I finally had a more detailed talk with the BF this weekend… and while it cleared up some things to find out exactly how he’s been feeling/thinking, it still feels like I’m just going to be waiting forever.
Back story about us and our relationship here.
For those who don’t feel like reading that novel… I’m 25, he’s 35, we’ve been together for 6 years. Lived together for about 2.5-3 years, and have been living an hour and a half apart for the past year since he took a job in a different city and I finish up grad school (I’ll be done in a couple months).
He has his grandmother’s ring set and told me from the very beginning that’s what his wife would wear someday. I love vintage things and sentimental things, so I was always ok with this. The center diamond isn’t huge, but the rings are very pretty and to me something that is sentimental and special is way more important than some huge rock on my finger (and him going into debt to pay for it…)
We’ve talked a bit about marriage and know we want to be together forever. He first brought it up last summer, and has been dropping some hints but in general has been sending mixed messages and it was starting to get really confusing/frustrating.
Finally this past weekend we were cooking dinner, and he brought it up and said that he’s ready to settle down and buy a house and have a family, but he feels like he’s rushing me into it because I talk about wanting to live in different cities and things like that. I told him I’m definitely ready to move forward and talk about wanting to move around (we moved to a different city for a couple years right after college and it was a lot of fun) but that it doesn’t mean it will necessarily happen and really would depend on both of our careers, etc. How he doesn’t realize marriage is what I want and have been patiently waiting for for a long time now, I’ll never know, based on how much I bring it up! He said that honestly it wasn’t until about 6 months ago that he realized everyone around us was getting married and that’s the next step that normal people take (a little hard to hear!). He said that he feels silly calling me his girlfriend, to which I replied I felt the same and it’s honestly embarrassing to have to call him my boyfriend at this point and just sounds really young and immature. He said that he’s getting older and wants to have kids before he’s 40, to which I replied well I definitely want to have kids before I’m 30! And I told him I want to be able to enjoy being married for a few years and not just rush into having kids right away. He started talking about how expensive weddings and rings are, to which I said “well good thing you don’t have to worry about that (the ring).” He said that ring was small and wouldn’t do because it serves as a status symbol. I told him if he thought that’s what I’m concerned about, then he doesn’t know my feelings at all and that an heirloom, regardless of the size, means so much more, especially since neither of us have large families, and that’s something both of us have always expressed wishing we had.
To me, this conversation was really disappointing because it made it seem that he hadn’t really given it much thought and it wasn’t something he was planning on doing anytime soon, despite being ready to settle down and start a family. I really think if he had it his way, he’d just elope.
We got into a really silly argument the next day, and he accused me of being in a bad mood all day. I said I had been in a bad mood since the night before and that my feelings were hurt. Finally he asked what I meant and if he did something. I said it wasn’t anything that he did, it was just that it feels like we’re not on the same page with our life plans and it was upsetting.
This sparked a conversation of him saying that getting engaged was all that had been on his mind the past 3 months. He said that to him, he thinks of that ring as a “hand-me-down” rather than an “heirloom.” I said ok, so even though you know I would be more than happy with that ring, if it’s something you’ve been thinking about so much recently and you’re set on getting a new ring, it just doesn’t seem to me that you’ve been saving at all. (he’s been making a lot of frivolous purchases lately, like a huge flat screen tv. He was about to buy all of these expensive things for updating our fish tank this weekend, even though the one we have is fine for right now. And he has even been asking me to put large purchases on my credit card that he’ll pay me back for, like some recording equipment that was on sale that he didn’t have the money for this weekend, but would in a week when he gets paid.)
He said that honestly, he was thinking he’d get a lot more back for his tax return (somewhere around $3-4,000 rather than the $700 he got) and was planning on using that for a ring. Totally understandable that if he was planning on that, it would set him back a while. But he’s not saving at all… He spent the money he did get for his taxes rather than saving it. And is doing all this frivolous spending rather than saving. His behavior just doesn’t make sense if getting engaged is really that important to him and all he’s been thinking about for the past few months…
It’s just starting to be so frustrating and I feel like it’s ruining what should be a happy and exciting experience. It seems so silly to me to spend so much on a ring when he knows the heirloom is what I want. But if he wants to buy a new one, fine. It just seems like when coming up with the money didn’t come easily in the form of his tax return, that he just gave up.
I’m happy to have finally had a specific conversation about our future, but I feel like it just left me more confused and frustrated. I really feel like I’m just going to be waiting forever…