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If your parents are broke and can't help you pay for the wedding anyway, then I don't know why you're so worried about their opinion on the venue. You and your FI are going to have to pick up the bill, so go with the venue that you both love and can afford. :)
honestly i had a similar problem with my wedding - my mom is unemployed and my dad supports them both working full time. i make good money as does FH - they insisted on paying for everything...
so instead of arguing with them, i let them pay for the food. thats it. I would ask their opinion on other stuff, i let them know the photographer, videographer, dresses, etc, but after my FH and I have made payments and its taken care of. we made it so they couldnt pay for anything since it was all like going thru us.
it was the only way to make them feel like they were contributing but still get what i wanted.
if you can afford it, pay stuff towards it, and tell your venue to tell them its less. lol worked for me.
i know its stressful - the money issue always is.
Oh, dear.
Given your parents' current financial situation, I think the best thing would be to take a step back and reconsider the size and shape of the wedding. A lot has clearly changed since the initial conversation about budgets, and it seems as though, no matter how much they might want to, your parents just aren't in a position to host the kind of party you guys were initially envisioning.
As you say, you are an adult and it's your wedding. You're not obligated to take their money just because they don't want to face reality. If they insist on giving you an ultimatum ("Either we pay for everything or we won't pay for anything!") I suggest you and FI throw your own shindig.
So after looking at the pics of Dream Venue- I literally had a panic attack because I wanted to talk about it with my mom. I wanted to talk to her, like an adult, and try to work something out.
So I call... and momzilla literally started to SCREAM AT ME over the phone for even bringing up Dream Venue. Then she hung up on me before I could get a word in edgewise to explain anything. She ended up calling back and screaming some more, so this time I hung up. She has since called back a few times, but honestly everytime I see her come up on my caller ID, I have an anxiety attack so I'm not answering.
Then this morning, I get to work and open my email... this is what she writes:
How is it you don't want to offend anyone but me. I actually thought I got through to you on sunday. That maybe you understand...But, I am guessing by our conversation today you missed what I was saying. WE CAN NOT AFFORD THAT!
Let me know if I should send the tickets over night so you can have them for saturday. I am sure that you can find a friend to fgo with you. I might embarrass you or something.
I will not go into another bridal salon and so you can try on more dresses. Your not getting it. I do not want to waste peoples time. You want to play dress up at another bridal salon. But your buying your dress from elegant boutique. You could be taking away an appoinment for a paying customer, do you undestand that. I think its rude, to want to do that. I have not gotten this upset and yelled in years.. I am SICK! How can you be so selfish.
Last weekend we wasted that mans time. That man who was dead tired and exhausted who stayed there with us, I felt terrible I wasted his time. From now on BEFORE I GO LOOK AT ANOTHER PLACE I WANT THE PRICE LIST.
If you loved this man as much as you say you do you would get married in a BARN. Because it does not matter where you get married it matters WHO YOU ARE MARRYING! Its about what we can afford...and we cannot afford that!
I am also sorry that I can't do anything right from now on I will not take it upon myself to do anything, or ask anyone to do anything. No one ever corrected me on Jasons last name. I tried to do something nice. Get back on the right track, start over....
Be selfish all you want because I am doing the same. Also do not post ANYTHING on facebook I warned you about that already. Don't push me any more Vanilla I am serious.
My response, in my head of course: WTF!!! I'M SO DONE!!
Holy crap, that letter is like an anger explosion!!! I'm sorry, but your mom sounds like she is TWEAKING out!
Can you and your FI afford to have the wedding you want without the help of your parents?? If so, then I'd advise you to do just that! You mom obviously doesn't seem to care what you want, so you shouldn't care what she wants if you can afford not to use her money!
That is sooo mean of your mother to treat you that way, when she gave you an orginial estimate that could fit this wedding into your budget.
If it is your dream location, and you can find a way to make it work, do it. So your parent's can't give you 30K, can they give you 5K? How much is this place?
You could totally scale back on florals, decor & get lots of ideas here about how to fancy the place up for cheap.
Does this place include catering? Booze?
Also, start chopping away at mom's guest list.. cut down the size of the wedding in general, make cupcakes, programs, jewelry.. you could make it happen.
@Adira:I agree!
Can you and your FI afford the wedding? Do it on your on! Make your own guest list with only people you want.
If you are paying no one can tell you who to invite what to wear what to do about anything!
Ok, I think the real drama here is between your parents and their bank account.
It sounds like your mom is SUPER SUPER stressed about finances right now, is probably hugely hurt and embarassed that they promised a big wedding (and everyone got excited) and now have to take back what they said.
That is a huge blow to their ego, self esteem and are probably stressing out about alot of other things in addition to their daughter's wedding.
I would be a bit more patient and compassionate with your mom. Her email sounds like she is just completely FREAKED out and maybe sees your reaction as sounding a bit spoiled/selfish (in her eyes).
If you and your FI can afford Dream Venue, tell her that, and then book it yourselves.
Her email is kinda crazy, but IMO, she sounds incredibly sad and hurt under her anger. Just be gentle, she is your mom.
I also agree that one of the biggest questions here is can you and your FI afford to pay for your wedding without your parents' assistance? If you can, then calmly explain to your mother that you are going to be paying for it yourself. From her reaction it seems as though she thinks that you and your FI won't be contributing to the wedding. Create your own budget based on your finances, give her some time to cool off and continue planning the wedding without her. Hopefully she will calm down a bit. I
@vanilla frosting: I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I totally understand the anxiety because I've been there. If you and FI can afford to pay then go get your dream venue and be prepared to do it on your own. This is what we did and I'm so glad we didn't try to compromise.
Tell her that this is a decision you and FI have made together, that you love her and hate to see her stressed and that you only wnat for her to have the best time at her daughter's wedding.
Please don't feel as if you're selfish, you are not obligated to buy from anyone or go for anything you don't want simply because you used a person's time. Over using the time yes, but no one is expecting you to make an expensive purchase without thinking things through.
Once you take that first step to owning your wedding she'll hopefully back off and setlle down into enjoying it without dealing with the stresses of money. And because you're paying for it, you can cut your guestlist.
@vanilla frosting: I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I totally understand the anxiety because I've been there. If you and FI can afford to pay then go get your dream venue and be prepared to do it on your own. This is what we did and I'm so glad we didn't try to compromise.
Tell her that this is a decision you and FI have made together, that you love her and hate to see her stressed and that you only wnat for her to have the best time at her daughter's wedding.
Please don't feel as if you're selfish, you are not obligated to buy from anyone or go for anything you don't want simply because you used a person's time. Over using the time yes, but no one is expecting you to make an expensive purchase without thinking things through.
Once you take that first step to owning your wedding she'll hopefully back off and setlle down into enjoying it without dealing with the stresses of money. And because you're paying for it, you can cut your guestlist.
@vanilla frosting: I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I totally understand the anxiety because I've been there. If you and FI can afford to pay then go get your dream venue and be prepared to do it on your own. This is what we did and I'm so glad we didn't try to compromise.
Tell her that this is a decision you and FI have made together, that you love her and hate to see her stressed and that you only wnat for her to have the best time at her daughter's wedding.
Please don't feel as if you're selfish, you are not obligated to buy from anyone or go for anything you don't want simply because you used a person's time. Over using the time yes, but no one is expecting you to make an expensive purchase without thinking things through.
Once you take that first step to owning your wedding she'll hopefully back off and setlle down into enjoying it without dealing with the stresses of money. And because you're paying for it, you can cut your guestlist.
@vanilla...I think it's time for you and your FI to let your parents know that you will be paying for, and planning your wedding by yourselves. Your mom was not cool in the things that she said, but you can take the control back by paying for everything yourself. They can't afford it, but if you can, there's absolutely no reason why you can't have the wedding that you want.
If that means scaling down on the guest list...start with your parents list first 
Yikes!
I am so sorry you're going through this. Regardless of why your mother feels the way she does, it's completely unacceptable for her to communicate with you like this.
Agree with all the PPs that the best course of action is for you and FI to cut your parents out of the planning entirely by footing the bill yourselves. Of the whopping 150 people they want to invite, sure at least a few can be cut.
@PinkPinstripes: I think you're right on in your assessment of why MomVanilla is behaving this way, but that's no excuse for lashing out. The name calling, in particular, is not okay.
That an action is comprehensible doesn't mean it's acceptable or that it ought to be tolerated. There are a million ways to process this kind of stuff that don't involve belittling your child and insulting her character.
Oh my God. Are you ok? Honey, I'm so sorry. That is extremely uncalled for.
Honestly, I've found that often when people are this judgemental and accusatory, they're really talking about themselves.
I agree with the others that it's time for you and your FI to take control. Cut them out of planning, if they must pay, let them pay for something small. And contact your dream venue. That's your place to get married.
@PinkPinstripes: You took the words right out of my mouth. I am sure mama vanilla is really frustrated that they don't have the money for the wedding like they thought. It sounds like she feels that what they do have isn't good enough and is really hurt.
Has she talked to you about what is more realistic money wise and what their budget is now? Were the places you took her out of budget?
Even thoguh she lashed out in anger, I am guesssing that she is feeling really hurt as well. Give her time to cool off, and start coming up with a budget you and FI can afford yourself.
Oh man that got a lot worse after the OP! Although I would be tempted to go get married in a barn without her (ahem), I think maybe you just need to let things cool down. I think the others are on the right track with the real problem being finances.
Maybe you need to put your foot down and insist that you will have the wedding you can afford yourselves -- insisting goes both ways.
Gosh, I just wanted to say hugs and sorry you are in such an awful place.
Oh no...I've read some of your past posts and it does seem as though the wedding planning process has been crazy stressful for you and your FI.
I agree with other PP that your Mom is likely completely stressed about finances and is unfairly taking it out on you. I don't know how close you are, but for the moment, I would take a breather and give her some time to lick her wounds. As difficult as she is making this on you and your FI, it cannot be easy for her and your father.
As many others have suggested, I think you and your FI need to move forward planning a wedding that you can afford on your own dime. It would be easier and probably less stressful on everyone. If you and your FI plan and pay for everything, the financial stress will be gone, the stress of hosting 150 people for one side will be gone, and hopefully the fights and angry email from you mother concerning the wedding will be gone.
I'm truly so sorry - this has got to be absolutely insane and I can't blame you that Vegas is starting to look mighty tempting *hugs*
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So- I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here.
FI and I have been together for 5 years. When we got engaged in March, it was an exciting time for all of us and we jumped head first into wedding planning. My parents- off the bat- offered to pay for the wedding and gave us a $30,000.00 budget. They also gave us a guest list of 150 people from my family alone.
Fast forward to now- my parents are basically broke. The wedding planning has really put a lot of stress on my parents, on me, and on FI. My parents and I have spent the last 4 months fighting about wedding venues and locations because they were too proud to tell me about their money troubles (understandable, but I'm adult so please treat me as such). FI and I have offered time and time again to pay for the wedding, to put money toward it to help alleviate costs, etc but my parents won't have it.
So I'm at work today and I was going to schedule a less expensive, location friendly (between Philly-where we live, and the Poconos-where my parents live) venue to see. FI calls me and tell me he REALLY wants to push for the first venue we both fell in love with- that my parents HATE. They feel it's too expensive and dated.
Truth be told, I LOOOOOVE this venue and would love to have my wedding there. I also don't want to disappoint my parents OR FI. He keeps pushing for it, which is one of the many reasons I love him... but I am exhausted. I am ready to cry writing this post because I literally don't have an ounce of enthusiasm left in me. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and part of me wants to say "screw my dream wedding, let's just go to Vegas and get hitched". The other part of me wants what I want...
What's a girl to do?