Post # 1
Hello all –
I am just basically here to vent out my sadness. My mother and I have never really had the greatest relationship, it has always been rocky and she has always been superficial, materialistic and judgemental. There is a long, long, long history that I don’t think I need to mention, but she and I have never really gotten along or seen eye to eye.
I recently mentioned to her that my SO (soon to be FI) has purchased a ring that we both agreed on and like and her first question was “Is it a diamond?” I said that it wasn’t and she made this sour, disgusted face and went on to tell me that my choice was poor, the stone is probably a cheap piece of junk, it probably looks cheap and is most likely fake, etc. She then threw “how much did it cost” and her last statement was “SO is probably too cheap to buy you a real ring/diamond” That last statement made me get up and walk out because I just could not handle it anymore.
I honestly am so tired of being judged by her and anyone who doesn’t like that fact that I do not conform to their wants/needs. I have taken a long break from speaking to my mom, my last stint with her, it took me over a year and a half to finally start trying to build something with her, it went smooth for a couple of years and then it fell to shit. My SO is sad because I am either crying or angry over hurt feelings with her.
While she is my mother and I do love her, she is just not a nice person. She is poisonous to my health. I would love to plan a wedding, but I honestly don’t think I can because I do not want to invite her AT ALL. It sounds horrible, but I honestly think I would have a bad time. I felt so happy with joy to share my soon to be engagement news, but she basically shit all over it and it made me cry. I have no clue what to do and so far I have put my ideas on hold because I just don’t know what to say or do anymore.
My dad has tried to reason with her, but she just gives him death stares and stops talking to him as well. She is very childish and I’ve had it. I don’t know how to cope with someone like this as my parent, I really dont..
Post # 2
I am so sorry you are in this situation. I think most people have complicated relationships with their parents, whether or not they talk about it, but it sounds like your relationship with your mom is pretty extreme. Just because you share blood doesn’t mean you have to get along or even like each other. If you really want a wedding, I think you should have one, and just be very firm about drawing lines. She doesn’t have to be involved in the planning; you can invite her without having her get ready with you or be around you all day. And if you do want to elope, then do that! But getting engaged and married are big steps and you shouldn’t compromise on them just because of her. Getting married is about beginning your own family and not depending on your parents as much. Hopefully it will help make the timing of pulling away from her a little more natural. Good luck navigating this situation, my heart goes out to you.
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2014 - Serafino Wines
As someone kind of going through this but on the other side, I completely feel for you. My FI has the same problem but even more extreme believe it or not. It is complicated even further by the fact that she hates me and neither of us know why. I obviously don’t want her at our wedding given this fact. He wants to invite her purely because he thinks he should. He doesn’t even know why he wants to persevere with a relationship with her, he just feels like he has to because she is his mother. This is so frustrating and sad for me because it is so detrimental to his health and overall wellbeing to have her in his life when all she wants to do is hurt people. We are 2 months out from our wedding though and have still not reached a decision on whether she will be invited or not. We have had many a conversation (very emotional) about this and find it so difficult to balance each others feelings with what each of us want. On one hand I understand that he wants a relationship with his mother (because of that fact alone) but on the other hand I don’t want somebody like that in my life or anywhere near me. It also upsets me when he gets so upset by the things she does but won’t cut her out. This is more or less my own vent now haha sorry! I hope that you are able to sort things out or at least find peace in the situation somehow. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you.
Post # 4
MadameX: Thank you. I know her attitude should deter me away from wedding planning, but I know she’ll have a strong opinion even when I ask her not to put in her two cents. She’s just that type of person and in her mind she is always right. I’ve honestly always thought I would go the elopement route, but then I think I may regret not having a wedding, I’m split between the two.
webster: That sounds unfortunate. I’m feel for you FI as well. I feel the same as him, I would only invite my mom because I feel obligated to. I hope you figure out your end and if you do invite her, hopefully it will go smooth.
Post # 5
My first post on the bees site was about my rocky relationship with my mom.
In the end, I’m not going to let her ruin this happy time in my life. I will invite her to the wedding and if she comes, great. If she doesn’t, her loss. I’ve dealt with her crap for too long. No more bending over backwards for her.
Do what’s right for you and your mental health. That’s what is most important right now. It was a hard decision for me to make but after I made it, I felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders. (cheesy! I know)
Post # 6
I have a mother just like this. It took several estrangements and my elopement for my mother to realize, that she needed to be polite and supportive if she wanted to have a relationship with me. I set boundaries and guidelines. My mother is a textbook narcissist who rules most members of my family with an iron fist. She deeply resented me because I am my father’s favorite child and the only daughter. I am just as stubborn and feisty as she is so that is part of the reason we clash; she is used to others being afraid of her.
Have your wedding. Try the broken record technique when your mother gets too rude or intrusive. Keep on repeating: “Mom, this is my wedding and I will plan it as I see fit.” That works very well with controlling people. You can also tell your mother that if she cannot be kind, she doesn’t need to be around you or come to the wedding. Standing up to bullies is scary but worth it. PM me if you need to chat.
Post # 7
As someone who found this site from googling “how to deal with a difficult mother”, I know where you are coming from. Your mother’s reaction to your ring news is pretty much how I imagine the conversation between me and my mother is going to go. And it sucks, I know. You’re excited and you want her to be excited and you see all these television ads with tearful moms hugging their daughters in wedding dresses and you think, maybe this could be us! Maybe she will be different because I’m getting married! Maybe I was wrong about her all along!
Don’t fall into that trap. One piece of advice I’ve read on here that has stuck with me is to not let yourself be suckered into these hallmark moments. If you know your mom is only going to say negative things, then don’t share the details with her. Protect yourself. Don’t let her steal your joy. If you want to share happy news, tell a friend. Or tell the bee, the bee loves happy news.
I know this is easier said than done…we hear a lot about getting rid of your toxic frenemies for your mental health…but what do you do when the toxic person in your life is your mother? I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you love your mother but you realize she’s not a very nice person. We all have different ways of coping-setting boundaries, cutting off complete contact, etc. I do think whatever you choose, it is ok to mourn the fact that you don’t have a television ad relationship because it means you care, which means you’re not a passive member of the relationship, which means you can make a choice on how that relationship goes.
*hugs* I know you’re in a tough place. But remember there are other people in your life that love and support you, and her twisted judgement cannot take away your intrinsic self worth.
Post # 8
I am 2 months in to being engaged and my mother has hated every choice my fiancée have made. She voices it daily and despite not helping financially feels she has a say in what we plan. Because I finally feel the support of others I have found my voice in standing up for what my fiancée and I want for our special day. As of now we aren’t talking and she is refusing to do anything with the wedding, which includes attending it. I think we may have the same mother because of everything you have said. I am hurt by everything going on and have also debated losing our money we put down on our venue and eloping to avoid more of this. Like you I don’t think I can handle any more of it And it’s taken the fun out of this special time for us. If you need to talk I am around as well…
Post # 9
I didn’t read all of the responses but I will just keep this simple. I had a pretty rocky relationship with my mom as well. She was an alcoholic, addicted to gambling and various drugs. She would fall asleep in the car before my school programs because she was drunk. Our house was always filled with strangers with beer cans everywhere. She embarassed me. I couldn’t pack my boxes quick enough to move out for college.
My mom passed away two months before I got engaged. Planning a wedding without my mom is one of the most miserable experiences. We didn’t always see eye to eye. I’m very conservative and formal, she was wild. But it rips my heart out to see pictures of brides with their moms on their wedding day.
I don’t know how to fix your situation but you need to do whatever you can because this is it…she is your mom and if she weren’t there, trust me, you’d never forget it.
Post # 10
I think that had I not been so delighted to get married my mother would have ruined my wedding day.
I tried for years to please her but however many good things I did for her the moment I did something that she didn’t like all the good things would be forgotten. It wasn’t until many years later when she did something mean to my daughter that something snapped and I stopped trying to make her love me.
So now, although I’m a caring and thoughtful daughter I am in no doubt that she is a selfish woman and I don’t have to please her one little bit.
However you are in a position where you still long to make things right. I have three pieces of advice for you.
1. Realise that your idea of a close and loving relationship is a good one. You will have this relationship with your FH, your friends, nephews, nieces, children of your own. You will learn from your mother’s mistakes, something she is unable to do.
2. You can’t have this close and loving relationship with your mother and this is her fault and not yours. At the moment you know this in your head but it will take time to know it in your heart. The day you do know this in your heart won’t be as bad as you think it will be. You’ll be set free and will be able to forgive her. Sadly, for your mother, on that day she will have lost the most valuable thing that she has ever had.
3. You have a knight in shining armour (your FH) to rescue you. Give him permission to call her out every time on any nastiness and make it clear to your mother that nastiness is unacceptable. When you meet up with your mother make sure you take your FH too. She’ll find it harder to be nasty to two people.
Invite her to the wedding if you can bear it but don’t do the dress choosing with her. Remember that the moment you get married the most important person in your life is your husband and you are going to make a new life together. And that life will be wonderful.
Post # 11
MouthOfTheSouth: Thanks for the words, it kind of brought me back to reality where I don’t think I could imagine my life without my mom. Even though she and I don’t always get along in terms with material items and superficialness in life, she and I do share laughs. I would be heart broken to not invite my mom to my wedding or include her in any of the functions. The only thing I can do is just kill her with kindess and stand my ground. I’m sorry that you were not able to share your wonderful day with your mother, I could not imagine that pain. But I’m sure she is in heaven looking over you and loving you from afar.
Post # 12
Supersleuth: MrsC2015: flummoxed: westgirl1208:
As well – thank all you girls for the wonderful insight, advice and kind words. I think family relationships will always be hard seeing as everyone is different in the world and brought up differently.
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Supersleuth: Everything she said. I would add: LIMIT your contact with this poisonous woman to as little as possible.
it sounds like you’re still close to your dad, so that probably complicates things. But stay away from her, and DO NOT let her into the wedding planning process. Decide on your mantra and if she tries to weasel in, just stick to the mantra.
I wish you luck. She sounds like a nightmare.