Post # 1
Hello all…I’m new here! A little history: My SO and I have been together for seven months. We haven’t said “I love you” yet (which is completely fine until he’s ready), we are in our late 30’s and his condo is directly above mine (which is good and bad). For the past three months though, he’s been telling me how he’s falling for me and he’ll be super attentive, affectionate, makes plans, wants to see me every day and really make me feel special. On the other hand, every two to three weeks he becomes very distant, becomes less affectionate, is very quiet and treats me more like a friend. I have talked to him about this and he assures me nothing is wrong but my “spidey sense” tells me otherwise. Something is extremely off when he gets this way but after several days, he snaps back to his old self.
When he becomes distant, I do not bother or smother him. I give him his space so he’ll snap back when he’s ready. It’s getting old and tiring going through this every few weeks. Everything is on his terms when this happens like him deciding when we see each other and what we do. I know that men become distant, I’ve just never experienced it to this degree.
Has anyone else experienced a similar situation? How did you handle it or work through it? Help and thank you!!!!
Post # 2
allgoodthings75: I have two long ago ex BF who were exactly like that. I am *SO* very happy I realized I deserved someone I could communicate with, rely on and trust to be the same person, day in and day out.
I don’t deal well with roller coasters or drama. And the “everything is on his terms” as far as emotions go is a deal breaker for me.
So, to answer your question, I hopped off the roller coaster and am happliy married to a wonderful, reliable, consistent man!!
Only you know what works best for you, so I wish you the best!! *hugs*
Post # 3
allgoodthings75: Wow. This is so his problem. And there is a point where you can’t deal with it anymore I am guessing. So, since it’s his problem that he acts this way, I think it is totally cool if you are direct with him and let him know that it bothers you. It’s one thing to ask for some space for a few hours for some reason, another thing to treat you like that. And he needs to learn that there are consequences for treating people that way, that he can’t just do that whenever he feels like.
Post # 4
What bothers me in what you say is not that he sometimes needs space but that his attitude seems to be quite selfish when that happens, and that he denies that something is wrong.
My husband needs a lot of space on a regular basis, and even more when he feels stressed at work or does not sleep well. However when that happens he is still affectionate (quick cuddling sessions), still available for urgent household matters, and even more importantly he admits that his need for space is stress or sleep related.
In your situation, I would worry that your boyfriend either lacks in the ability/willingness to still be there for his partner when he is in a bad mood, or that he has some undiagnosed light mental health issue. The latter would explain the frequency of his episodes and his lack of self-awareness when they occur.
I’d suggest to try one more time to discuss it with him when he is back to normal, asking him to be more “there” even when he needs space. If that fails, I’d move on because this can only get worse, and you can’t have a satisfying relationship with someone who does not admit – nevermind wants to sove – their issues.
Post # 5
Honestly, you’ll likely be better off cutting this guy loose.
It’s usually not good when your relationship or boyfriend can be accurately described/summed up with the word “Rollercoaster”, especially when it comes to emotions.
Besides, if this behavior bugs you now, it will drive you crazy later. Do your future self a favor — move on.
Post # 6
PeachRooibos: everything she said.
Post # 7
I wanted to talk to you about this pattern you have of shutting me out, letting me in, shutting me out, letting me in. It’s getting old and I’m over it. This isn’t what I envisioned for myself and I’m really not interested in torturing myself trying to figure out what the hell is going on with you because you won’t tell me. So I’d like to know what is behind that pattern. If you feel that I should be subjected to the behavior without being worthy of an explanation, then it’s time for us to go our seperate ways. Take some time to think about this and get back to me by _______. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume that’s your answer and I’ll move on.
If he tries to brush it off, argue about it, etc:
Again, I am not interested in the emotional game-playing of being shut out. If you don’t feel I – and our relationship – is worthy of the truth about why you do this, then there is absolutely no reason for me to stick around and be subjected to it. It’s not how I care to live. Think about it and get back to me by ________.
Post # 8
allgoodthings75: I don’t think he should be acting this way after only 7 months. Like once in a while unprompted after a bad day at work or something, sure. But you see a pattern here. Like he has his period. You should still be a honeymoon phase, IMHO.
My FI gets like this sometimes but we’re going on 5 years. He even recognizes it and apologizes for his “man PMS”.
Post # 9
I’d suspect he has deeper issues, like depression or bi-polar disorder.
Post # 10
allgoodthings75: Go with your gut on this one. I’m in my 30’s too. At this point we ladies hopefully have the good sense to see a manchild when he presents himself. I say NO THANKS!! Jesus, I’d rather be alone than be stuck in a roller coaster like that. And for what it’s worth, yes I have dated someone like that. He drove me CRAZY and I kept feeling like I was somehow responsible for his deadbeat “irish good-bye” tendencies. Turns out he was just a pathetic manchild who couldn’t sort out up from down. UGH.
Post # 11
allgoodthings75: Don’t allow him to sweep this under the rug and continue this behavior while he lies and says nothing is wrong. Tell him you know something is wrong, and that you’ve observed this pattern and you want to know what his problem is. Tell him it is not ok for you to be left in the dark until he decides he wants to talk to you again, and you won’t stand for it. He can either talk to you like an adult or not, but one way or another it ends now.
Post # 12
I’m a great one for believing that people do need space even in the most committed relationships. However, this should be negotiated sensibly and with good communication. It’s never good to be in a relationship where one partner holds all the communication cards and plays the control game with them.
I’d be inclined to ask this guy what his issues are. Say that you don’t have a problem with him wanting time to himself but that you aren’t prepared to be picked up and dropped at his command. That’s never healthy and never a good basis for a sustainable relationship.
Post # 13
Yeah I dated someone like this. The reality was he didn’t want a relationship with me, he just wanted to hang out on his terms without the commitment.
Personally, I think 30s is way too old for a man to be behaving this way. He should be able to communicate what his needs or desires are without just leaving you in the dark.
You can sit down and have a talk with him but if it doesn’t improve I’d leave this guy sooner rather than later.
Post # 14
How do I put this? Your boyfriend doesn’t love you in that way. It’s been 7 months you should not feel like you have to let him come and go on his terms. This is only going to get worse. Unless he says I love you, I don’t think he does.