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Honestly, if I were living with a boyfriend, I would probably split the bills with them (since having 2 people in the house does use more food and probably more utilities than just one). This is something that maybe you should have discussed before moving in together but now that you are in the situation, you should sit down and discuss who will pay what part of the bills. You should BOTH have money set aside for savings (short term and retirement).
Personally, I want to contribute to the household bills because it makes me feel useful and important.
When my now husband moved in with me, he started to pay half of everything. Yes, I was paying it and affording it before he moved in. But, once he moved in, we became a unit and it became OUR place. And, along with that came sharing the financial responsibility.
I agree w/ @MissAsB - this probably should have been a conversation you guys had before moving in together. But, it's definitely not too late. The key is to keep calm and rational in discussing it. Money is trickey business and can get ugly pretty quickly.
Best of luck!
My fiance and I have lived together for 4 years. We've always split the bills 50-50.
A relationship is a partnership. Do you want to be his equal or his dependent?
When I moved in with FI, we split the bills. Currently we have combined our finances so it's not much of a concern anymore, but when it was we split things 50/50. Part of this is me wanting to contribute to the household to make it ours and feeling it fair to do so, and the other part was wanting to share and ease his burden. To me it sounds like you both need to sit down and have the discussion about what both of your expectations are, especially considering that money is what couples tend to fight about most. You should probably be putting a plan in place NOW.
I agree with what the other two commenters said. But this sounds like a great opportunity for you both to sit down and have a conversation about the way you want money to work in your relationship! Its definitely an important thing to have an understanding over - its going to be something you'll deal with throughout your entire relationship!
Personally, my FI and I have always split everything down the middle. We opened a joint checking account when we moved in, and we pay all our living costs (electricity, groceries) with that account. Splitting things was always important to me, even when he was working and I was a student (we're both students now!). But that was something that we had discussed prior to moving in.
Good luck!
@abbyful, I think that you're misreading the situation by asking sunshine if she wants to be his equal or dependant. She's currently putting money towards bills (thus his 'equal'), and her attitude of "the man should provide" has nothing to do with being a dependant, but rather, being able to know you can trust and rely on someone, and not have to pay for everything yourself! Besides, the fact that Sunshine has a 'nest egg' proves that she's not a dependant, nor does she want to be!
@sunshine8, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I know it must be really difficult. I think you should really stick to your guns, and refuse to put in more than half, espeically since he begged you to move in with him. IMHO, you may want to seriously give your relationship some thought... I worry that this man may be taking advantage of you, and your financial stability. *hugs*
Hm, this definitely should have been covered earlier, but no time like the present, right? We split everything 50/50 at first, although now our finances are basically joint and so whoever has money, pays. But we also don't have separate funds - while neither of us gets upset if one person spends their money on something, we're joint enough that we mention any big purchases and we even have a list of what big things we need to buy - furniture, etc.
I suppose since he asked you, you can explain that it was unclear what the circumstances would be. But I don't think he's out of line to ask for 50%. Having paid the bills when it was just my old roommate and I, and then later when our boyfriends moved in, I can tell you that doubling the number of people nearly doubles some bills in many cases.
We really share finances, so we both contribute for everything. Sometimes that means I pay the electric bill and he pays for groceries - it's all the same money, so wherever it goes, it's both of ours. We have seperate checking accounts and a joint savings, but we both have full access to all 3 accounts so we can transfer money between them anytime. We keep seperate accounts to make it easier to use our debit cards since we spend long days apart at work and it would be too comlicated to have them linked to one account not knowing what the other was spending. That works for us.
The important thing here is to sit down and TALK to your boyfriend. You can't expect him to just magically understand your views on finances and it's such a touchy topic that absolute openness and honesty is essential. Whatever you decide to do you need to decide it together or it will never work. Good luck!
It sounds like you have different ideas about your roles. If you're married would these things change? It might be time to consider putting that nest egg towards a place of your own for you and your daughter.
I remember all your last posts and I would keep that nest egg money and move out.......
VikingPrincess I do remember you responding to some of my earlier posts,so you know the WHOLE story about this man......Fairytale beginning(paid for everything no questions asked),Bought a ring,I moved in,ring locked in a safe for 2yrs. no proposal,then said he wants to wait 5yrs,I didn't help in yard enough or with house stuff,now is saying he needs more money from me. WHAT'S NEXT,WTF MAN!! After reading these posts I guess I should contribute more but I really feel like he's the 'man of the house'and should provide no questions asked if he truly loves me. Is that wrong of me? After all I am paying all my own stuff and not asking him for money to pay them. If one month he falls short I can see him ASKING me for help with a bill,but demanding it? He said I should be paying for my share of what my daughter and I use for utilities in the house. I feel like this is a crappy attitude from a BF. I wish it was more like "I love you and I want to make your life easier and better so I'm the man of the house and will step up and provide for you and your daughter because that's what REAL men do" in my opinion. Maybe I'm way off?
Please don't take this as being harsh but..........you ask questions you already know the answers to. You aren't listening to your gut!
With the other stuff I would be questioning the relationship but just because a guy asks you to help pay the bills, doesn't mean a relationship is doomed in my opinion. But with the other stuff, I think I would reconsider the relationship since he is basically holding the engagement ring that he bought for you and locked in a safe over your head.
I personally don't follow the "he's the man of the house and should provide for me" mentality, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. However, if he didn't know you felt this way before you moved in, then that's a problem. You need to communicate what your expectations are. When I lived with my BF, we split everything, and I wouldn't feel comfortable with him paying for everything. But like I said, if that's the type of relationship you want, then that's fine, but he needs to be on the same page, and it doesn't sound like he is. I also think there are a lot of red flags with the other things going on in your relationship.
As others have said, I think expenses should be split 50/50. If he's never going to commit, that's a whole other issue. But I don't think he owes it to you to make your life cushy while you stockpile money on the side, just because he's a man. I absolutely think you should have your own nest egg set aside just in case. But it doesn't seem right to "live off him" while you hoard cash. Pay your half of the bills, and save what you can out of what's left.
This was discussed before I moved in,just not in great detail. I told him I was looking for a man to "take care of me" and he replied "that's what I do,I'd love to take care of you." I don't think our "take care of's" were on the same page. He told me I didn't even have to work. He promised me the horse of my dreams (I was into competitive riding and showing at the time)and when it came down to me getting a horse he was absolutely NOT supportive. There were things leading up to this I guess.....I only went by what was told and promised to me and now the story has changed.
I remember all your last posts and I would keep that nest egg money and move out....... Ditto @Viking!!!
Sunshine, EVERYTHING this man has ever told you/promised you is a lie. You have figured this out already but are still unwilling to admit it to yourself. He's emotionally abusive, unsupportive of you and your daughter (if others don't know to what I'm referring, read her other posts), and he will never be the man you need him to be.
There's nothing wrong with being old-fashioned and wanting a man to provide for you financially; many men share this belief as well. So, you need to find, and marry, one of them.
If you were anyone else with this problem, however (someone in a healthy, stable relationship), my advice would be to suggest paying your portion pro-rated (I think that's the right word). What this means is that you take your combined total income, and determine what percentage of it is your contribution. Say the two of you are bringing in $8000 a month total, but your income is only $2,000, thus, 25%. It wouldn't be as fair to ask you contribute 50/50, since you are not able to afford as much. So, if your utilities are $1000/month, you would be responsible for 25% of that, or $250. Hope that makes sense.
But I still (strongly) suggest you, in particular, move out.
Regardless of whether he begged you or not, you two have to be on the same page when it comes to paying bills. If you believe it's the man's job to provide and he doesn't believe in that concept then there's a HUGE problem. Honestly, that may be why he hasn't committed to marriage yet.
I'm married and at the moment, my DH and I are paying for two separate households (he's Army and stationed elsewhere), but when he moves here and we are actually living together we'll both be contributing to the household/bills, etc. The only time I may not be financially contributing is when I stay home when the kiddos come along. But this is something we BOTH agreed upon and a plan we worked out. If your BF isn't agreeing to the plan, you may have no choice but to move on.
I understand what you are saying about wanting to be taken care of by your boyfriend/husband. Things are different if you are young and living together but if he has a ring and your are moving toward marriage it seems like he should be stepping up to the plate more, especially if you have discussed that this is what you want/expect. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be contributing to the household (and it sounds like you are contributing your fair share if not more and there are more ways to contribute than just $$$ if you are cooking, cleaning etc.) but I don't like the way he demanded that you contribute more. I would make sure to hold onto that nest egg money no matter what happens between you two.
You have a daughter- under no circumstances would I give up the nest egg you have. You need that for her. Heck my FI does pay for everything and fully takes care of me and he knows of my little nest egg savings and he doesn't ever ask me to touch that. I give to our life and household in other ways.
i agree with @dvsmom, i think u should not touch that nest egg. and going with what other ladies said, i agree that at this point it should be 50/50... as i understood you pay your way,though?? and u do the grocery shopping on your tab?? and i dont understand, why would he want you to use your savings?? nest egg means that when you get older you have something to support you...dont he want that too?? dont touch it..... i say do anything u can not to touch this...we have a nest egg and i would sell soemthing b4 i had to touch my nest egg....
I split the bills with my SO. I think we will continue to do that after we are engaged until we get married and have a joint account. He does make more money than me... so he always pays when we go out to eat or things like that.
Situations like this make me nervous because it sounds like you know exactly what you want and need to do for you and your daughter, but your man has a hold on you, which is not a good situation to be in.
It honestly sounds like this isn't even about the money. It sounds like this is one of the last strings and you're realizing he hasn't been honest with you.
Take your money and run before it's too late. And for what it's worth, when I moved in with my (then boyfriend, now husband), I contributed for utiliites and food, but he told me he wanted to care for me. And now that he's my husband we contribute almost equally.
Sunshine, I remember your previous posts too... and I really have to agree with some of the other commenters. Furthermore, him calling you a spoiled brat just because you two are not on the same page financially, really is patronizing at best and borderline abusive at worst.(I'm tempted to say the latter considering what I know of your situation)
You really need to discuss and communicate every single aspect of the relationship you two have before you go any further. There are plenty of articles online with questionnaires for couples, that deal with precisely such details, and I think it would be worthwhile to sit down with those on a weekend and really bring it all out together.
Be upfront, 'coz if you're gonna be bashful or shy I think you'll be facing more such situations in the future. If he's not taking the discussion seriously, consider couples therapy. With these issues plus a child to take care of, I don't think you can be too cautious.
If all else fails, I think you already have a fair idea in your head of what you MUST do. Please, please, get over the hesitation and move out. Be strong, have courage and take the steps towards restoring your independence.
him saying "i think you're going to start paying...." ... not even a discussion or question, but just a demand was just plain wrong. Im guessing you could afford to split the bills with him since you had your own place before, but as many pointed out, that should have been agreed on before, and since hes only demanding it now that he sees you have some extra cash, says he doesnt really need it either. I would not waiver and touch that savings to give into him. You said it yourself, thats your safety net just in case... and with a daughter, i could not give up the peace of mind of having that $ to fall back on.
I just read all your prior posts. I think you know deep down that this relationship isn't going anywhere. The fact that he would call you "emotionally stunted" is very, VERY telling. The fact that that is excuse #427 is also very telling. If he bought a ring 2.5 years ago and hasn't asked yet, he's never going to. Period. I deal with a lot of cops in my line of work (I'm a criminal law attorney) and they are, as a whole, a very controlling and selfish group of people. That's what they are paid for. Not ALL cops are like this, but yours certainly appears to be. Master manipulators, they are pros at telling people what they want to hear in order to diffuse a volitile situation, with no intention of ever following through on the dozens of promises they make.
Try to take yourself out of the situation and look at it objectively. Pretend one of your girlfriends is telling you this. Her boyfriend bought a ring and put it in a safe after convincing your friend to move in. They've been together for 2 years and he still hasn't proposed, even though he has the ring IN HIS POSSESSION. He gives her excuse after excuse after excuse about why he doesn't want to marry her, going so far as to demand she change the very person she IS. Then he tells your friend if and when he ever proposes, he wants to remain engaged FIVE YEARS before he'll actually marry her. What would you tell your friend?
There's your answer.
i split the bills with FI. before we moved in together, i had my own apt and he was at his own and then at his parents for a few months... during those few months he was pretty much living with me and i never asked him to pay for the bills.
in your case, i would say that you should pay for the bills. at least some portion. i understand that he was the one who asked you to move in with you, but i agree with the other posters that have said that a relationship (esp at the level you want to head) is a partnership and balance is needed in all aspects.
Reading the background in lezler's post, I wonder if you might be feeling like he owes you the financial support since he's holding back in other areas?
He doesn't seem to be pursuing a true partnership with you (in every sense of the word), which is why you want to tell him to go F himself when he asks you to pay the oil bill. If he's not gonna commit, at least he can pay some bills for you.
Is that accurate?
If you can't afford to split it 50/50 and keep a nest egg then I would explain to him the situation. It's not fair to you to have to move out if things go awry and be left with nothing. If he wants to split the house bill he should also split the food bill.
When I lived with my hubs before marriage he had bought a house and I helped with the mortgage but paid less rent than he would have asked of others. But the reasoning was I was also helping to fix up the house and so if something didn't work out between us I didn't want to feel the need to get money out of him for all the labor I put into his house. And also as a grad student with not too much income I wanted to make sure I had money to split.
Now that we're married everything goes into a common pot pretty much though we maintain both joint and seperate accounts.
This is probably something you should have talked about beforehand, but my fiance & I live together and we've always split everything 50/50. I would never expect him to pay for everything.
It doesn't really matter what any of us think.
What matters is that you two need to come to an agreement of what you both think is fair. Obviously, it would be better to do this before moving in, but there is no time like the present.
But since you're asking, I think that expecting the man to pay purely on the virtue of his sex is not fair, especially if he doesn't feel the same way.
I also don't think the "man" should have to pay for everything if both parties are working. If I was in your place, I would be paying 2/3 of everything. I think in this day and age it takes more than one income to survive and help make a home a home. I think it is selfish not to want to contribute to the financial upkeep of your home when you have the means. You can still have your nest egg, but to me, it doesn't really seem like you or he are comitted to this relationship. I think you both need to have a sit down and be open and honest with each other. You feel him holding back and I am sure he feels you holding back too. Maybe some couples counseling would be in order to see if you two really want to stay in this relationship. It can't be healthy for your 9 year old to live in a home where it seems neither of you see each other as equals.
@VikingPrincess: Split it 50/50. It's not 1950, and I can imagine his frustration if you're expecting him to foot the bill for practically everything. (Paying for your own car does not count as contributing.) Especially since you're working. It would be different if you were a stay at home spouse or only worked a couple hours a week. But you clearly have the money to contribute. I think your attitude needs to adjust itself to 2010. I'm not trying to be rude, I just think you need a bit of a reality check. That is just not how a partnership works unless your BF is 100% on board, which he clearly isn't.
@Jillbean: Oops I replied to VikingPrincess instead of the OP! Sorry VikingPrincess!
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Hi Bees, I have a situation.......I've been living with BF for almost 3yrs(won't commit,but that's a WHOLE OTHER STORY) and he BEGGED me and my 9yr. daughter to move in with him. I gave up a really nice apartment and moved in. I am an old fashioned girl and believe it is the man's place to care for his family and provide. I do however work,pay my own car ins,cell phone,gas,and supply the food to the household as well as give my BF money now and then when I have it towards bills. Here's where it gets ugly.......I've been saving a "nest egg" in case Mr. commitment phobe decides he never wants to marry and I decide to move on with my life. Well,he saw my "nest egg" money and said, and I quote "I think next month you're gonna start paying the oil bill". This rubbed me the wrong way! He also said "It is your responsibility to pay for your portion of what you use in the house." So I ask bees,is this more roomate or BF situation? He said my attitude of "A man should provide" is warped and f!@$$ up. I feel as though he would have all these "household bills" regardless if I was here or not. I could see if I wasn't contributing anything,but I am doing my part I feel. Is it right that a BF should ask you for money if he's the one who BEGGED you to live with him? Not sure how to feel or what to do. We've talked about it and he says I'm a spoiled brat and my attitude of he should provide stinks. He wants me to WANT to pay. If you love someone enough would you even ask such a thing of someone? Any advice??