Post # 1
Hi Bees, I have a situation…….I’ve been living with BF for almost 3yrs(won’t commit,but that’s a WHOLE OTHER STORY) and he BEGGED me and my 9yr. daughter to move in with him. I gave up a really nice apartment and moved in. I am an old fashioned girl and believe it is the man’s place to care for his family and provide. I do however work,pay my own car ins,cell phone,gas,and supply the food to the household as well as give my BF money now and then when I have it towards bills. Here’s where it gets ugly…….I’ve been saving a “nest egg” in case Mr. commitment phobe decides he never wants to marry and I decide to move on with my life. Well,he saw my “nest egg” money and said, and I quote “I think next month you’re gonna start paying the oil bill”. This rubbed me the wrong way! He also said “It is your responsibility to pay for your portion of what you use in the house.” So I ask bees,is this more roomate or BF situation? He said my attitude of “A man should provide” is warped and f!@$$ up. I feel as though he would have all these “household bills” regardless if I was here or not. I could see if I wasn’t contributing anything,but I am doing my part I feel. Is it right that a BF should ask you for money if he’s the one who BEGGED you to live with him? Not sure how to feel or what to do. We’ve talked about it and he says I’m a spoiled brat and my attitude of he should provide stinks. He wants me to WANT to pay. If you love someone enough would you even ask such a thing of someone? Any advice??
Post # 3
Honestly, if I were living with a boyfriend, I would probably split the bills with them (since having 2 people in the house does use more food and probably more utilities than just one). This is something that maybe you should have discussed before moving in together but now that you are in the situation, you should sit down and discuss who will pay what part of the bills. You should BOTH have money set aside for savings (short term and retirement).
Personally, I want to contribute to the household bills because it makes me feel useful and important.
Post # 4
When my now husband moved in with me, he started to pay half of everything. Yes, I was paying it and affording it before he moved in. But, once he moved in, we became a unit and it became OUR place. And, along with that came sharing the financial responsibility.
I agree w/ @MissAsB – this probably should have been a conversation you guys had before moving in together. But, it’s definitely not too late. The key is to keep calm and rational in discussing it. Money is trickey business and can get ugly pretty quickly.
Best of luck!
Post # 5
My fiance and I have lived together for 4 years. We’ve always split the bills 50-50.
A relationship is a partnership. Do you want to be his equal or his dependent?
Post # 6
When I moved in with FI, we split the bills. Currently we have combined our finances so it’s not much of a concern anymore, but when it was we split things 50/50. Part of this is me wanting to contribute to the household to make it ours and feeling it fair to do so, and the other part was wanting to share and ease his burden. To me it sounds like you both need to sit down and have the discussion about what both of your expectations are, especially considering that money is what couples tend to fight about most. You should probably be putting a plan in place NOW.
Post # 7
I agree with what the other two commenters said. But this sounds like a great opportunity for you both to sit down and have a conversation about the way you want money to work in your relationship! Its definitely an important thing to have an understanding over – its going to be something you’ll deal with throughout your entire relationship!
Personally, my FI and I have always split everything down the middle. We opened a joint checking account when we moved in, and we pay all our living costs (electricity, groceries) with that account. Splitting things was always important to me, even when he was working and I was a student (we’re both students now!). But that was something that we had discussed prior to moving in.
Post # 8
@abbyful, I think that you’re misreading the situation by asking sunshine if she wants to be his equal or dependant. She’s currently putting money towards bills (thus his ‘equal’), and her attitude of “the man should provide” has nothing to do with being a dependant, but rather, being able to know you can trust and rely on someone, and not have to pay for everything yourself! Besides, the fact that Sunshine has a ‘nest egg’ proves that she’s not a dependant, nor does she want to be!
@sunshine8, I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. I know it must be really difficult. I think you should really stick to your guns, and refuse to put in more than half, espeically since he begged you to move in with him. IMHO, you may want to seriously give your relationship some thought… I worry that this man may be taking advantage of you, and your financial stability. *hugs*
Post # 9
Hm, this definitely should have been covered earlier, but no time like the present, right? We split everything 50/50 at first, although now our finances are basically joint and so whoever has money, pays. But we also don’t have separate funds – while neither of us gets upset if one person spends their money on something, we’re joint enough that we mention any big purchases and we even have a list of what big things we need to buy – furniture, etc.
I suppose since he asked you, you can explain that it was unclear what the circumstances would be. But I don’t think he’s out of line to ask for 50%. Having paid the bills when it was just my old roommate and I, and then later when our boyfriends moved in, I can tell you that doubling the number of people nearly doubles some bills in many cases.
Post # 10
We really share finances, so we both contribute for everything. Sometimes that means I pay the electric bill and he pays for groceries – it’s all the same money, so wherever it goes, it’s both of ours. We have seperate checking accounts and a joint savings, but we both have full access to all 3 accounts so we can transfer money between them anytime. We keep seperate accounts to make it easier to use our debit cards since we spend long days apart at work and it would be too comlicated to have them linked to one account not knowing what the other was spending. That works for us.
The important thing here is to sit down and TALK to your boyfriend. You can’t expect him to just magically understand your views on finances and it’s such a touchy topic that absolute openness and honesty is essential. Whatever you decide to do you need to decide it together or it will never work. Good luck!
Post # 11
It sounds like you have different ideas about your roles. If you’re married would these things change? It might be time to consider putting that nest egg towards a place of your own for you and your daughter.
Post # 12
I remember all your last posts and I would keep that nest egg money and move out…….
Post # 13
VikingPrincess I do remember you responding to some of my earlier posts,so you know the WHOLE story about this man……Fairytale beginning(paid for everything no questions asked),Bought a ring,I moved in,ring locked in a safe for 2yrs. no proposal,then said he wants to wait 5yrs,I didn’t help in yard enough or with house stuff,now is saying he needs more money from me. WHAT’S NEXT,WTF MAN!! After reading these posts I guess I should contribute more but I really feel like he’s the ‘man of the house’and should provide no questions asked if he truly loves me. Is that wrong of me? After all I am paying all my own stuff and not asking him for money to pay them. If one month he falls short I can see him ASKING me for help with a bill,but demanding it? He said I should be paying for my share of what my daughter and I use for utilities in the house. I feel like this is a crappy attitude from a BF. I wish it was more like “I love you and I want to make your life easier and better so I’m the man of the house and will step up and provide for you and your daughter because that’s what REAL men do” in my opinion. Maybe I’m way off?
Post # 14
Please don’t take this as being harsh but……….you ask questions you already know the answers to. You aren’t listening to your gut!
Post # 15
With the other stuff I would be questioning the relationship but just because a guy asks you to help pay the bills, doesn’t mean a relationship is doomed in my opinion. But with the other stuff, I think I would reconsider the relationship since he is basically holding the engagement ring that he bought for you and locked in a safe over your head.
Post # 16
I personally don’t follow the “he’s the man of the house and should provide for me” mentality, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. However, if he didn’t know you felt this way before you moved in, then that’s a problem. You need to communicate what your expectations are. When I lived with my BF, we split everything, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him paying for everything. But like I said, if that’s the type of relationship you want, then that’s fine, but he needs to be on the same page, and it doesn’t sound like he is. I also think there are a lot of red flags with the other things going on in your relationship.